...I know you're not feeling a hundred percent right at this moment.
I realize you've taken a bit of a beating at the hands of people who clearly do not love, care for or understand you.
Please remember, this is part of what it means to wander and to seek.
We both know that us exiles end up in the strangest places, interacting with the oddest folks, encountering cultures that are mostly alien to who we are.
You do this all the time, girlfriend. This is what you seem to want for yourself, that constant searching for experiences outside your ken. It seems to drive you. You hunger for it.
Encountering ways of being that you don't get or that you find painful or uncomfortable will always be part of your journeys. As a result no one you meet is ever going to do things like relationship or friendship quite in the same way you do.
The overlap, your ways with theirs will ignite and energize you. But these frontier places are also tectonic and volatile. Interior land masses will tend to collide explosively, riding up one over the other. Collision can mean sweat, saliva, juice, semen, flesh, joy. But it can also bring misunderstanding, miscommunication, assumptions, fear and even pain.
I know you.
I know how you move.
I know you're feeling it right...now - the effects of your latest frontier collision/encounter.
There was pleasure. Much. You claimed it. Revelled in it. Wrote it. Spoke it. Held it. Touched it. Full abandon.
But now there is...head shaking, waste, avoidance, silence, turning away, shit, loss.
I see you trying to claim it.
I see you trying to not regret it.
I see you trying to make sense of it.
I see you trying to not run away from it
I see you trying to share space with it.
It rips.
It tears.
It bleeds.
It cuts.
It embarasses.
It abandons.
It touches corechildpasthurt.
It is fucking work.
darkdaughta, I feel how difficult this work is right now. You're wondering if you really need to stray so far from "home" in order to find the ones you seek.
We both know that even in the midst of your hurt, your bruised ego, your annoyance, your doubt, your anger, the answer for us is still a resounding "YES!"
Yes.
You and I will continue.
You will feel whatever it is you need to feel right now.
You will complain about the unfairness of things.
You will curl your lips at the thought of easy going, mindless pretties who do not ask questions or challenge who compete and indirectly aggress.
You will try to make it about another lost and tormented middle passage sib's stupidity and about her ability to inflict pain.
You will try to ignore his culpability and time and time again return to basic facts about who he is and what he chooses that call for him to be accountable, communicative and clear, time and time again.
You will bargain with fate and reality.
You will fantasize and tell yourself little white lies.
You will pretend.
You will struggle.
You will tantrum.
You will moan.
You will masturbate frustratedly and cum furiously.
You will sleep in and hide from the light of day.
You will behave like a baby at home and then shower, dress yourself, colour your face and leave the house each and every day looking like a woman on a mission...because you are.
You have a mission.
You Risk, you Dream, you Seek.
In time you will set whatever boundaries are necessary to offer you increased peace of mind and distance from their world and ways.
As you do, just remember you are special to me. You are deeply loved, profoundly understood, heard and held securely from within. Nothing about that changes.
Go.
Seek.
Find.
Your friend and constant companion,
darkdaughta.
gonna go chain smoke lung cancer sticks now...
the evil barbies
