Wednesday, May 28, 2008

An anal warrior queen mother...

CJ has left a new comment on your post "Eliminating the "mother" and leaving the adult fem...":
Darkdaughta -What Secondwaver just wrote.You are a warrior queen for your babies, just as every adult female parent should be.Just as I aspire to be for my girl-boy. Someday. You help me along that path.Your children are going to be so. fucking. fierce. Keep rocking the house. :)Much love,CJ.
Oh thanks. I've had lots of really good examples of what to do and what not to do that span my childhood, teen years, dyke years right up to present day. If I had failed to understand the lessons that were offered it would have been willfully neglectful. I'm anal. Neglectfulness isn't really something I do well. :) Very, very anal.







if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.

Lee, I can do the real work of parenting...but the fucking respectable "mother" is kickin' my ass...

Lee Ashwood has left a new comment on your post "Eliminating the "mother" and leaving the adult fem...":

We've been dealing with some wicked middle school bullying and man, it is so damn hard. I hate bullies and seem to have been fighting them most of my life. Only it's called "harassment" in our public schools. I said it was "terrorism" when I sat all the admins down and they too called me "angry". Unlike you, I was angry, but not at the terrorists, but at the teachers and admins who were so bloody blind to the reality of the situation(s).

I believe this is my sixth run-in with "harassment" in public and parochial schools(harassment of my children, not of my own, that's 30 years ago and a land far far away). I'm a god damned expert now. I'm not so certain that next time I will be able to express the kind of concern for the terrorists that one is supposed to express in order not to be seen as a lunatic, when one's child being bullied is ONLY capable of causing lunacy when NOTHING is done to rectify it.

So many parts of this entry hit me right where I live right now. Mother vs adult female parent struggle, husband/wife relationships dips and turns, your needs being met meaning that the children's needs are better met.... lush and rich and meaningful and honest. Including full war paint. I keep thinking of my Comanche relatives who painted their faces and fought to the death. Or married white settlers to survive.

This sentence" as two people struggling along separate yet shared roads is pure fucking work right now." I could have written that. I sure have thought that. I've felt very alone lately in a house with this man and these 4 kids.

Thank you for what you're doing here.
~lee

Oh Lee,

I here you.


I have dealt with bullies at every single school we've tried for Stinkapee. What comes through loud and clear is the fact that adults were socialized as children to tolerate particular levels of harm and violence.


This is what they pass on to children when they "teach". Right now I can't even look at Stinkapee's teacher. She's playing that she's a cowering, uncomfortable professional whose job is being complicated by me. Why? Oh, I ask too many questions and won't just leave her disempowered, idiotic, backward, ignorant, stunted self to raise and indoctrinate my child so that Stinkapee can grow into an understanding of herself as the dominated.


And I'm like: are you fer real, lady? Are you crazy? It took me years to work through what I experienced in public school in this same city. I already understand what they children do. Forty years later and I have not forgotten one BUMbakleet thing about how they behaved...the pain in my gut every morning knowing I was going to have to deal with their crap, knowing I would be the brunt of their teasing...


That will not be Stinkapee's experience. I've told her that she's only got one month to go with that crazy enabler. But in truth, I'm trying to manifest an extended vacation for the teacher. She needs some vacation time. This is all too much for her. It's time for her to fly south indefinitely. Some drinks on a beach somewhere warm where her cocktails will be mixed with spittle and hep C. That sounds just about right.


Dear universe,

The bad has already circled back my way time and time again even when I chose and tried to do good. So, I'm not scared of actually making wicked requests. If you can send the teacher to lovely scenic Guantanimo for a month, I'll accept the consequences of hoping for discomfort for someone else. Do your worst. But grant my wish.


but I digress...

Lee,

"Mothering" is really killing me off. I do the work of loving, guiding, caring and protecting well. But the cost, the payment those awful "respect me" what not to wear clothes...they suck. Bits of Me are starting to seep out and I don't really mind. I'm not sure if I want to have anymore children. I've been digging around inside looking for the baby lust and I can't find it.


I'm just finding adult oriented lust and a need to dance free.


Papi and I have had so many conversations about breeding. I think we're both me coming out of babymama land. I've got more energy. More everything.
But this part of the journey has also really highlighted how different we are, how different our priorities are, how different our values and ways of being are. So I get you about feeling alone. We still spend lots of time together, but we're really separate, different. Lesbian bed death? Hee, hee. We have common goals. But we're really straight up about what things we are experiencing separately, too.
Four kids, enh?
That's what I thought I wanted to do. But fucking hell! I'm having a hard enough time being seen out in the world as myself. If I birthed four and then was completely immersed in caring for them, how would I find time to paint my face and cruise?
As it is, I know my neighbours are fully gonna trip the first afternoon a strange looking man, disheveled, exits the house with a smile on his face. Hee, hee. If I had to find childcare for four children before the disheveled part, I wouldn't have any energy left for the follow through. :)
So, I dunno about being uber homebirthing mama of many anymore. Just can't wrap my brain around it.
And don't think I missed what you wrote about the Native relatives breeding and intermingling for safety via passing. That was honest and difficult to read.
Got me to thinking about not being able to pass at-all, at-all. I can't even cruise in peace because sex, desire, rutting are all raced...in hetero circles, in queer circles, in lesbian circles...just more insidiously in wimmin's spaces because they're embarassed about how race informs their desires...so tired of fucking dealing with that shite...rude, obnoxious, cocky power hungry, hierarchical smiling, "courteous" white, light, (non Black) of colour queer wimmin/femmes who can go for the jugular with a such grace while reaching out to offer a sisterly hug...can't fucking stand them and their competitive ways. (betmo, I think that was a snarl...)
I'm coded in particular ways whether I resist or not. People assume things about my music tastes, the aesthetics that appeal to me, about the potential lovers that will attract me. I'm choking on it, completely defined against my will by it.
Jeezuz! On some days passing as a genetically modified mediterrenean european, light damn near white south asian or beige coloured middle eastern of uncertain origin seems like it would be disgustingly, horrifyingly blissful.
But I was born Black African, relatively dark, dark enough to make hiding impossible, dark enough to want to pass on genes people seem to have an aversion to, dark enough to know that I've gotta struggle and make a go of this life no matter what just walking the sidewalk holds.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Lee.









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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

As per usual...

I'm having a hard time with the officious, middle-class, elitist, governmental, corporatized wording used by the administrative higher ups in movements for change.

I don't think I'm supposed to be attending this. Sounds like a gathering for one of the career minded activist/administrators who know how to claw and backstab their way around town.

Hoping one of the ones I know is reading me today and books her passage right now.

I'm so fucking tired of communications/notices/calls for papers/calls for delegates/job postings for community/grassroots/radical organizations that use this kind of speech. It's exclusionary and fairly reeks of power, privilege and domination. ick.

It screams with class which is such a naughty word inside of feminist/feminist of colour circles where experiences of racist domination and gender-based oppression are often confused as an experience of class...convenient for the loads and loads of middle- and upper- class wimmin/feminists who live in denial of their class privilege...yes, I also mean middle- and upper- class women of colour who definitely obscure class privilege behind racism very often and utilize this denial to dominate working class and poor women/feminists of colour in social and professional situations without any accountability.

When I read this letter...okay, I didn't read the whole thing because I got triggered and angry and disgusted, I heard a different meaning coming through loud and clear:

Don't come if you're not a coloured colonial who is middle-class or middle-classing. You might fare better as one of our test subjects, a research project or a client in one of our satellite initiatives. So don't get any ideas about making change. We'll decide the changes that need to be made and we'll let you know which of them will be good for you and how you should feel about them, sister.


Oh yes, I knew I had a place in the movement...unh...I'm really glad that your letter sounds so important and official...I'm sure it will garner only the "right" kind of feminist, governmental, organizational, corporate attention...really...I don't need much from you...it's just that...can you just move your birkenstocks slightly to the left of my neck?...just...having difficulty breathing.

Seriously, I applaud them for trying to do something. But how much will they really be able to achieve if their paradigm and frameworks are already based on the hierarchical and diseased structures (as evidenced by the tone and wording of this letter which implies an invitation for only some kinds of wimmin/workers/organizers/feminists/women of colour) that are at least partially responsible for the mess we're in in the first place?

Dear Colleagues and Friends,
The Center for Asia-Pacific Women in Politics (CAPWIP) and the United Nations International Strategy for Disaster Risk Reduction (UN/ISDR) are pleased to invite you to the Third Global Congress of Women in Politics and Governance which will be held on October 19-22, 2008 at the Dusit Hotel, Makati City, Metro Manila, Philippines. The theme of the congress is “Gender in Climate Change and Disaster Risk Reduction.

Women and environment experts have raised concern over the absence of women in the discourse and debate on climate change and disaster risk reduction, both of which are global mainstream issues that are currently impacting the entire world. The involvement of women in areas of environmental management and governance should not be perceived as an afterthought. Women's roles are of considerable importance in the promotion of environmental ethics.

The current imperative is for women to understand the phenomenon of climate change and disaster risk reduction and their impacts and implications at the individual, household, community and national levels. Studies show that women have a definite information deficit on climate politics, climate protection, and preparedness through disaster risk reduction.

Only with this information can women take their proper, significant and strategic role in the issues of climate change and disaster risk reduction.Invited to this congress are parliamentarians, decision - makers in national governments, environment organizations, youth leaders and media practitioners, funding/ donor agencies/ organizations (Female and male participants are welcome.)

The Congress will have the following objectives:Overall Purpose:

To provide a forum for legislators and decision-makers in national governments and leaders at all levels in formulating gender-responsive legislation and programs related to gender in climate change and disaster risk reduction.

Specific Objectives:
a) to understand the phenomenon of climate change, its impacts, and its implications and study the appropriate risk reduction strategy;

b) to review and examine the gender aspects in climate change and disaster risk reduction and formulate appropriate actions to address these;

c) to define the roles women can play in addressing the impacts of climate change and disaster risk reduction programs and policies at the global, national and sub-national levels; and

d) to identify and define the action agenda for parliamentarians, policy advocates, and women leaders to support global and national actions to adapt gender responsive legislation and programs related to gender in climate change and disaster risk reduction.

Congress Proceedings:

The discussion on gender in climate and disaster risk reduction change will be organized around identifying the challenges to action as well as defining the appropriate responses to effectively address the impacts of climate change and disaster risk reduction. Inputs to the discussion will be collected and organized around: 1) geographic location and 2) types of actions: i.e. preparedness, risk reduction: building community resilience; adaptation; and mitigation. Cross cutting these discussions will be the identification of technologies in aid of responding to climate change and preparedness thru disaster risk reduction.

The focus of the discussions will revolve around defining and elaborating actions (i.e. preparedness, disaster risk reduction, adaptation, and mitigation) to cope with climate change and its impacts and preparedness and disaster risk reduction.

Preparedness and disaster risk reduction is about building individual and community capacities to position themselves and their communities so that the likelihood of climate change-induced disasters is reduced; the intensity or adverse impacts of disasters are cushioned and that inhabitants are able to respond promptly, expeditiously and effectively. Adaptation entails actions that moderate harm, or exploit benefits, of climate change. Mitigation entails actions that minimizes or cushions the adverse impacts of climate change.

In all of these actions, special attention will be given to defining how women and gender could be mainstreamed. In other words, the Congress should define how women can be given the social space to participate, influence, and benefit from global and local responses to climate change.

The registration fee for the four day congress is One thousand five hundred fifty US Dollars (US$ 1,550.) per person for twin room sharing accommodations (two persons in one room) and one thousand nine hundred fifty US Dollars (US$ 1,950.) per person for single room accommodations (one person in one room).

The training will be held on Oct 19-22, 2008. However, the participants will be requested to be in Manila the day before, October 18, 2008 and leave Manila only on October 23, 2008. The overnight hotel accommodation on October 18, 2008 is already included in the fee. Participants will be billeted in the Dusit Hotel, the venue of the congress and hotels near the Dusit Hotel, accessible within walking distance. Room accommodations in the Dusit Hotel, the venue of the Congress will be on a first come - first served basis.

Importance of the Congress

Today, on the average, one person out of nineteen in a developing country will be hit by a climate disaster, compared to 1 out of 1,500 in an OECD country. Climate change creates life time traps: in Niger, a child born during a drought is 72 percent more likely to be stunted than a child born during a normal season.

We hope that your organization can send participants to the Third Global Congress of Women in Politics and Governance. The Theme of “Gender in Climate Change and Disaster Risk Reduction” is the first time this will be discussed in a forum whose objective is to formulate gender responsive legislation and policies for national governments and parliaments.

We truly hope that the environment organizations will find this forum a good opportunity to advocate gender and climate change policies and programs through gender responsive legislation to the women parliamentarians, decision makers, the youth leaders, media and the funding agencies/organizations. Let us join hands in promoting gender responsive governance through transformative leadership and citizenship. We are looking forward to your participation.

Please download the full information sheet and registration form for this Third Global Congress of Women in Politics and Governance from our website, http://www.capwip.org/3rdglobalcongress.htm

Very truly yours,

(signed)
Jung-sook KIM (Ed.D.)
PresidentCenter for Asia Pacific Women in Politics (CAPWIP)

Secretariat:
Center for Asia Pacific Women in Politics (CAPWIP)
YSTAPHIL Building, 4227-4229 Tomas Claudio Street
Parañaque City, Metro Manila, Philippines
Tel. (632) 8516934 (632) 8516954; Tele Fax: Mobile Phone +639184596603
E-mail: globalcongress2008@gmail.com; globalcongress2008@capwip.org globalcongress2008@gmail.com;%20globalcongress2008@capwip.org>; capwip@capwip.org capwip@capwip.org> Web: www.capwip.org <http://www.capwip.org/>; www.onlinewomeninpolitics.org <http://www.onlinewomeninpolitics.org/>

Download: <http://www.capwip.org/3rdglobalcongress.htm>

The Center for Asia-Pacific Women in Politics (CAPWIP) organizes regular trainings and conferences on women in politics and governance. If you wish to continue to receive information from CAPWIP regarding its programs, please e-mail CONTINUE, otherwise, if you wish to be removed from our mailing list please type REMOVE.








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Monday, May 26, 2008

Friday day and night, Saturday all day and Sunday all day, I walked...




And every time I came home after having the experience of feeling completely cut off from the people around me.

I walked for miles and was alone with my thoughts, only here and there engaging in the most surface of ways, exchanging a meaningless and disconnected "hullo, how are you oh I'm fine thanks see you bye" from time to time.

I was as always, completely alone in my head singing and talking, putting bits and pieces together, replaying scenarios, struggling with my emotions and with what it means to not share common values or ways of being with most of the people I encounter on the daily.

I pressed on. I continued not knowing where all the walking will lead.

Maybe the whole asking people (more specifically: hot men...) out thing was premature. I feel as if I'm still just getting accustomed to being out in the larger world, learning its flows, its eddies. I'm trying to get a feel for its peoples. How to move around the pod people as the parents of one of Stinkapee's best friends calls them. How do I move through their world and not have them point their fingers shreiking at high decibels as I retreat back to my yard?

I've been moving through their world and observing them. Hee, hee. Observing myself deal with them and wondering why I see "me and them" not "us".

The disconnect is strong and deep. I don't feel like I belong to them, even to the dark ones even to the queer ones, even to the female ones. It's not enough, melanin, taboo flesh folds, tongue sucking and radical birthing really hasn't made for the kind of affiliation my little girl craves.

None of them feel like my people.

Where are my people?

How the hell should I know?

I sat on Saturday and watched them while sipping coffee. They walked by and I wondered who, if any, of them would be able to click with me. I wonderd how I would recognize them. How would they recognize me?

I know the clothes they wear/I wear won't do it.

I said to Papi because of how most Black people/wimmin/"mothers"/queer people/deviants are coded/present as opposed to how I understand/present myself, if image is key they will probably overlook me. If I understood image as key and purposefully sought out people who only aesthetically presented in particular ways I'd miss them, too.

sigh...
Just keep walking.
If I keep walking either they'll find me or I'll find them. I'm sure of it.



if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.

Friday, May 23, 2008

When showing emotion in public is like committing seppuku...

I saw the crush man today and just couldn't get my brows to unfurrow and make like I was indifferent...nonplussed.

I'm not good at that...pretending that I'm not in here, not connected to my own blood flow and internal tides.

I felt...raw, offensive, quizzical, exposed, rejected, brave, insightful, petulant, unsure, ill prepared, inept, awkward, geekish, resistable, bothersome. I'm smiling now but in that moment when I'm fairly certain it all showed on my face a large part of me was mortified by my inability to wear a mask...any mask.


Ooohhh...bad, bad, feelings...not allowed in western culture.

Must learn how to fix face so as to better disassociate when in plain sight. Wouldn't want to be caught in public with pesky feelings showing on face. That leads to a loss of face.

Why, I'm not sure. But whatever the reason I just don't know how to behave like a Black borg queen. I have roiling, difficult, layered, conflicting, intense, painful, joyful emotions that work the muscles of my face on the daily. Anyone who knows me knows this to be true.

It's work for me to gentle the features of my face. But it never lasts for long. sigh...

In truth, my feelings even the difficult ones are such a pleasure. It's such a pleasure to just let them flow and dance across my face. I want to do more of this not less. But how in this world where an adult emoting openly, truthfully is considered such an ominous sign of immaturity?







if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.

Thursday, May 22, 2008





I posted this on the weekend. But when I came back to make edits, I couldn't republish the new version. I think the library is censoring my rantings. In any case I'll just repost it. It deserves restating, anyways.



Since I tried to post about killing the (black) "mother", I wanted to take a sec to clarify a great difference between the "mother" icon and the adult female parent.



People confuse them. They invite me to conflate them.



The two are really different...almost complete opposites.



Since I'm in a to the death grudge match with the "mother", struggling with my understanding of the difference and with the ways that the diseased icon is imposed on me, I'll take a sec to once more try to bre'k it down.



Mother:
Flesh incubator, less important than her biological output, first responsibility - protect patriarchal family (involves hiding abuses and boundary crossings, lying, pretending, basically centralizing denial as primary familial exploit which includes teaching children to pretend/hide/lie/deny), second responsibility - protect patriarch's children, third responsibility - build flimsy card houses...she's emotionally suppressed, usually fairly timid and unwilling to act on her own behalf out in the open where she'll be seen and perhaps aggressed, hierarchical, disempowered, patriarchally identified (even if she's divorced, not married or desperately seeking a man), indirect in her communications, forced to present as gentle and soft, lacking libido/sexual only in relation to monogamous male partner/completely assexual/terrorized and controlled erotically, completely lacking center, shying away from overtly challenging anything, fearful...hmmm..that's what coming right now in terms of "mother" as construct.




Adult Female parent:

birthing Humaaaan, imperfect, growing, changing, seeking center, passionately expressive, verbal, truthful, insightful, challenging, courageous, powerFULL, shares tasks with other parental figures involved in the building of the family, does not defer to the patriarchal power or ego or fears or insecurity of male parent, will overtly challenge inside and outside the bounds of her family on behalf of her child(ren), self possessed rather than brainless, cowardly possessed tool working on behalf of the patriarchy, claims the right to exist as a self actualized being in sane, healthy and consensual ways, does not conflate her embracing her own power with the demise of the family or neglect of her children, works to find balance between her needs and those of her family, children and community.




Hmmm...

That's a hard hack fairly messy. But as I explained up above I've been struggling at the library for days trying to post this. So, that'll have to work for now.













if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.


Eliminating the "mother" and leaving the adult female parent to her multifaceted work...



I posted this on the weekend. But when I came back to make edits, I couldn't republish the new version. I think the library is censoring my rantings. In any case I'll just repost it. It deserves restating, anyways.

Since I tried to post about killing the (black) "mother", I wanted to take a sec to clarify a great difference between the "mother" icon and the adult female parent.

People confuse them. They invite me to conflate them.

The two are really different...almost complete opposites.

Since I'm in a to-the-death grudge match with the "mother", struggling with my understanding of the difference and with the ways that the diseased icon is imposed on me, I'll take a sec to once more try to bre'k it down.

Mother:
Flesh incubator, less important than her biological output, first responsibility - protect patriarchal family (involves hiding abuses and boundary crossings, lying, pretending, basically centralizing denial as primary familial exploit which includes teaching children to pretend/hide/lie/deny), second responsibility - protect patriarch's children, third responsibility - build flimsy card houses...she's emotionally suppressed, usually fairly timid and unwilling to act on her own behalf out in the open where she'll be seen and perhaps aggressed, hierarchical, disempowered, patriarchally identified (even if she's divorced, not married or desperately seeking a man), indirect in her communications, forced to present as gentle and soft, lacking libido/sexual only in relation to monogamous male partner/completely assexual/terrorized and controlled erotically, completely lacking center, shying away from overtly challenging anything, fearful...hmmm..that's what coming right now in terms of "mother" as construct.


Adult Female parent:
birthing Humaaaan, imperfect, growing, changing, seeking center, passionately expressive, verbal, truthful, insightful, challenging, courageous, powerFULL, shares tasks with other parental figures involved in the building of the family, does not defer to the patriarchal power or ego or fears or insecurity of male parent, will overtly challenge inside and outside the bounds of her family on behalf of her child(ren), self possessed rather than brainless, cowardly possessed tool working on behalf of the patriarchy, claims the right to exist as a self actualized sexual being in sane, healthy and consensual ways, does not conflate her embracing her own erotic power with the demise of the family or neglect of her children, works to find balance between her needs and those of her family, children and community.


Hmmm...
That's a hard hack fairly messy. But as I explained up above I've been struggling at the library for days trying to post this. So, that'll have to work for now.

So, what's up with me these days?
Well, I'm searching for the balance between being a female parent of two children and being an adult female humaaan.
I'm being really aggressive about arriving at the balance. I've explained to Papi that there is precious little space for him to waffle where his personal work is concerned especially as this relates to my beginning to once more move through the world as an ethical autonomously sexual polyamorous being. Like I said, I've already extended one "coffee" (unh...hopefully not really coffee...but still...unh...more horizontal...moist...frenetic...) hee, hee. (update: coffee isn't happening...negotiations didn't go as I'd planned...he didn't say "no" or "yes"...so I took the non-answer as a "no"...oh well...disappointed, but now that I've gotten over the hump of having not asked a man out in seven years, I'm happy that I tried...more trying with other people...)

And all the while...
I have these voices clucking their tongues at me that originate from inside my own head.

They think the ways I roam the street in search of meat are awful. They say that these attempts can only lead to disease and social ruin for me, the family and for my children.

The teenager giggles telling me that the hetero monogamously partnered wimmin will no doubt also cluck their tongues at me for daring to seek out externally located phallic members when I have a perfectly serviceable one at home. "One phallic member per breeding female, please. Pay at the cashier."

I have voices reminding me that I should be directing my attentions, affections and energies towards wimmin...that's not where I am right now...too unhappy with what transpired in my last womancentric incarnation to want to make an attempt again this soon...which is not to say that if I encountered a spirited One who truly grounded in her power (crucial)/intellect (of massive importace)/emotions (ditto)/consciousness (double ditto) who was also radically and ethically deviantly bent (without this last piece interacting would be useless) rather than simply surface performing all of or one of the above mentioned qualities, that I wouldn't step to her...sadly I think I may very well have fully explored my possibilities in this neck of the woods...and the men seem pretty right now...maybe it's hormonal...but their ubitquitous emotional disconnection seems so much easier for my heart, mind and spirit to manage...

Of course I've got nattering pseudo politicalo voices inside my head getting all stoopid about the fact that I'm actively not cruising Black/West indian men anymore. That's not where my head is at all. My experiences with them have been so sticky, so limited and limiting, so not respectful or open minded in any way this sexual queer matriarch understands as attractive.
And no!
I'm not interested in processing it AGAIN for the umpteenth fucking thousandth time. Gawd knows I've tried.
I'm still trying to tease out some of the Middle Passage heteronormative, classist, sexually conservative baggage with Paps. He's clinging to it like a life raft...as he was taught to do by Ophelia, her concubine and the rest of their extended biological family. So sad.

In any case, I've got the wanderlust somethin' fierce. Just have to get out and run and romp and, and, and...when time and family commitments permit, of course. I do it in the off hours when the babes are otherwise occupied. I don't substitute my pleasure seeking for their leisure, education or care. They get play, baths, walks, books read, dvds watched, cuddles, giggles...guidance...they both still sleep with me.

Funny they're getting more of me now that I decided to stop with the agoraphobic depressive thang. They have a happier Mama, too. More energetic, playful, chatty...clearer, even more insightful than I already was.

As the liberation minded Me roams the streets, the adult female parent, soon to be well satiated...does her work well and with care.

On Wednesday night the adult female parent stayed up long after everyone had gone to bed making Stinkapee a settler dress, pantaloons and bonnet. Yes, I know. eEw, gross.

I'll try to explain. hee, hee.

She got invited to a themed birthday party of this white yellow haired child who has been consistently nice to her. Knowing that sometimes my politics will have to take a slight back seat to her need for social interactions I said she could go. unh...hee, hee.

When Stinkapee complained that she didn't feel like she'd make a good (white) settler, I explained that she could go as a (low level colonized) Black settler because Black settlers also came to help teef Native people's lands and usurp their guardianship. They/we, too were/are thieves. S0, she could feel at "home" and fully included in the mess...as I do. hee, hee. I also reminded her that we had actually visited one of the Black settlements called Buxton. She remembered the hayride.

So, the night before her party I free hand cut out and sewed a full length dress with three quarter length sleeves, ruffled neck and zipper at the back, a bonnet and a pair of pantaloons to wear underneath the dress. She loved it! I haven't made her any clothes ever. You see, I've spent a good portion of her life angry and fed up, depressed, resisting, crying, tantrumming, html coding, stridently seeking and tenaciously attempting to build extended chosen family for her but also for me.

It felt so good to give her something I made with my own hands and to watch her face glow.

You should have seen the look on her ditz teacher's face. Pathetic woman. I can't stand her cowardly self. (I'll explain why in a sec)

In any case Stinkapee was the only child at the party who had a full outfit hand made by a parent. Every little bit of hierarchical oneupmanship helps at her very class conscious and competitve school. Now I'll not just be known as the mama who makes her man drop off her daughter, who has bleached yellow hair and doesn't talk to anyone but the Black nannies and a handful of mamas of colour, who has been spotted in the neighbourhood walking around in outfits that are distracting their dimwitted husbands...now I'll also be known as tartilicious mama who actually has time to sew outfits in a night. :)

whatEVER!
okay...so..yah...
Why can't I stand Stinkapee's teacher?
It's like this...
Papi and I met with Stinkapee's principal, vice-principal and the superintendant week before last.
How did that happen? Well, this is all about a white girl bully in Stinkapee's class who they and her teacher are sheltering at Stinkapee's expense. (The teacher habitually tells us and other parents whose children the child has aggressed that she doesn't mean to target them...)

This child has been targetting Stinkapee for months. The teacher and the administration have been trying to downplay the impact on Stinkapee in favour of a story that looks like them targetting each other.

That. Wasn't. Smart.

It actually culminated with the child throwing a rock at Stinkapee a few weeks ago.
Papi tried to check in with the school afterwards to find out what was being done. The vice principal actually had the nerve to stonewall him. The teacher cowers, tries to avoid our questions and keeps on making excuses for the child's behaviour. And you know if it was a Black child its six year old self would have been expelled already and on its way to criminal court and prison.

Their lax ineptitude, studied and miscalculated indifference and willingness to make excuses for the child weren't working for us.

Both Papi and I have nuff experiences with crazed killer bully children in public schools. We don't ramp when it comes to Stinkapee. She will not go through what we went through...alone...without armed back up.

So, the day the vice-principal (a white woman...all the school staff we're dealing with are white) told Papi that she wasn't going to discuss why a consequence the child had received hadn't been maintained, I marched into the office and... knowing that both the principal and vice-principal were not even a few meters away with their office doors open... sweetly, clearly, loudly, calmly asked for the names of the superintendent and trustee, their contact information and their addresses as I planned on not just calling them to discuss the ESCALATING VIOLENCE in the THEIR school, but I'd also be mailing them letters.

After making the calls on their phone in their office, I left them to marinate on the significance of my words.

Later on that afternoon the principal came to Papi and asked if he had any questions or points he felt needed clarifying about the situation.

Needless to say, things had gone beyond a casual conversation in the school yard once the white teacher and the white principal and the white vice-principal decided that it was okay not give us any information about why a crazed white girl child threw a rock at Stinkapee and about why the consequence she was given wasn't carried through with.

So (as we'd discussed before hand in preparation) Papi smiled with him pretended to not be particularly clear about what the principal was saying. He smelling the other man's discomfort.

We held out for our meeting with the higher ups.

It went fine.

There was no other option.

There was a small boardroom table with two chairs along either side and one chair at the head.

I sat there. In the head chair, the power chair, the chair of the person who would be running the meeting and defining its trajectory.

The superintendent (tried to) set the agenda.

I usurped her agenda.

She called me angry.

I kindly advised her to think about choosing some other language to describe my emotions.

The principal tried to describe Stinkapee and the child as the same.

I kindly advised him (while the superintendent tried repeatedly to cut in so that he could speak his revisionist history without hindrance from me...which she was not able to effectively do because I just kept pushing to get the three of them positioned where I wanted them)...so yes, I invited the principal comprehend and connect with the difference between being assertive (Stinkapee) and malevolent (feral white girl child).

They offered a "solution":
Stinkapee - verbal, self aware, interactive - could sit down with the other child - aggressive, unsocialized, non-verbal.

I pointed out that the children's needs are different. I let them know that I had the other child's needs in mind as she clearly had not received the help she needed and was suffering...but it shouldn't happen at Stinkapee's expense.

I verbally extrapolated for them the syndrome of behaviours the little beast is exhibiting on through the ages to their natural consequences...there was a shooting at another school in the city just a few days ago. I said that I didn't want the poor beast child to end up shooting someone at fifteen because her issues were never dealt with.

I pointed out that Stinkapee sitting down with someone who has no cognicance of the significance of their own actions would not serve Stinkapee. I said that if the child has only basic communication skills and does not know how to connect her emotions to her words there would be no use sitting the two of them down together.

I said that they could check in with Stinkapee and with the child separately and that if at any point they started to get the sense that the child was finally able to ground and be aware that some of her friendship courting skills are not useful or effective...stuff like threats, physical violence, taunting...then sure, Stinkapee could then sit down and have a conversation with her.

It was a hard conversation...harder for them, I suspect. Me? Well, I had to persevere. At a few different points in the conversation I had to ignore the superintendent when she threaten to pull in the reigns of power and block actual engagement between me and the principal. I had to talk over her and shift focus back to where I needed it repeatedly.

I even managed to shed a few highly manipulative but definitely strategic tears to help lessen their fear of the big darkie mama at a crucial moment. Papi said that was a nice touch.

But I've got the skills. I learned all this dealing with community "allies" in the struggle.

It went well.

I was wearing full face paint, black pants suit, pearl necklace and earrings...pointy toe heels. My full body power suit armour worked like a charm.

Adult female parenting is a joy. I just cannot stand being forced into the role of the "mother". It's driving me fucking nuts. I hate the "mother". I'm desperately trying to find new ways to piss on that icon so as to rip it's strangling fingers off my muthafucking neck. (Oh, I have access to another computer. So, I can get back to cussing...)

The mother has no space and I need lots and lots of space. She has few options. I still want to have my cake and eat it, too.

The mother, a perpetually suffering patriarchal martyr, shoulders her "burden" mostly alone while maintaining the fiction that she's in it with her man.

Papi and I are in a troubled, rocky place, a chaotic place where pretty much everything about our relationship is up for redefinition as I seek out a new balance and make more space for the adult female who parents. There are places where the rhythm works where we easily trade the kidlets back and forth depending on who needs to do what, where, when and why. But our relationship as two people struggling along separate yet shared roads is pure fucking work right now.

Thankfully, the adult female parent speaks and thinks and resists her own incarceration and emotional numbing. Because of this Stinkapee and Shmolee are happy and well looked after. whooHOO!





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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

"Sleeping over"...

Gathering of Mother Earth Protectors

Sleepover: Toronto, Queen's Park May 26th – May 29.

Rally: Queen's Park May 26th, 5 p.m. – dusk.

Respect the right of First Nations to say no to economic exploitation and environmental destruction.
No jail for saying no. Free Bob Lovelace and the KI Six.

On May 26th Indigenous communities and supporters including environmental and social justice groups will gather at Queen's Park to uphold our duty to protect the land, forest, water, and air and to promote respect for our Indigenous rights to say no to economic exploitation and environmental destruction. It is time to end the jailing and harassment of our people for protecting mother earth and traditional ways. Please come to our large rally on May 26th at the legislature. We are also inviting supporters to join us in four days of ceremony, speakers, workshops, music, and a three night sovereignty sleep-over directly on the front lawn of the legislature.

Right now Indigenous communities across Ontario are taking a stand to assert our right to protect our traditional territories and the future of our peoples. Our communities are peacefully protesting destructive industrial projects that the government is permitting on our traditional lands without community consent.
Rather than respecting Treaties of co-existence and the UN recognized Indigenous right to withhold consent over industrial projects on traditional lands, the Ontario government is harassing Native people and jailing community activists and leaders including Bob Lovelace, Donny Morris, Sam McKay, Jack McKay, Cecilia Begg, Darryl Sainnawap, Bruce Sakakeep, and others. This cannot stand! Please join us in supporting freedom for First Nations and respect for the land.

NO CONSENT means STOP the DESTRUCTION to MOTHER EARTH!

We Need: volunteers, donations of money, food, tents, blankets, billeting, endorsements, and publicity.
Please let us know if your group wants to organize an event during the Gathering on May 27, or May 28.

To help out, or for information updates contact: sovereigntysleepover@gmail.com

Supporters: come prepared to take care of your own needs and to take direction from the communities.

This is an event of: Kitchenuhmaykoosib Inninuwug (KI), Ardoch Algonquin First Nation, Asubpeeschoseewagong Netum Anishinabek (Grassy Narrows First Nation) [others may join soon].
Supporters: Christian Peacemaker Teams, Rainforest Action Network, No One is Illegal Toronto, Canadian Federation of Students, Canadian Labour Congress, CAW Sam Gindin Chair in Social Justice and Democracy -- Ryerson University, Mining Watch, Coalition against Israeli Apartheid, Ontario Coalition Against Poverty, ForestEthics, NOW Magazine, Greenpeace Canada, Defence for Children International.






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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Got it...sending...

g has left a new comment on your post "Brutal Militarization of OPP in Tyendinaga Mohawk ...":

F R I E N D S & R E L A T I V E S O F T H E D I S A P P E A R E D C H I L D R E N
V A N C O U V E R - W I N N I P E G - T O R O N T O
w w w . h I d d e n f r o m h I s t o r y . o r g
Monday, May 12, 2008

Chiefs, Elders, Clan Mothers, Warrior Societies and all Original People of Turtle Island,

Sago, Aaniin, Kii-te-daas a, Asujutidli, Tán’si, Kwé,

We, the Friends & Relatives of the Disappeared Children – Vancouver, Winnipeg & Toronto, have come together to address the Chiefs, the Elders, the Clan Mothers, the Warrior Societies, and all the First Peoples from across this great land of Turtle Island.

It is our hope to continue to raise awareness of the tens of thousands of Native children who died or who disappeared from the Canadian Indian Residential School system and never came home. We have been organizing co-ordinated events across Canada at the doors of the United, Anglican, and Catholic churches, including at their head offices, for several months now.

As many of you may know, we have been speaking to, and gathering the stories from many survivors of the Indian Residential Schools. We are not the first nor will we be the last to do this. There are currently, approximately 80 000 living survivors of Residential Schools. Eighty thousand stories that may be told to the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, however, there are approximately another 50 000 stories that are still hidden from history.

It is primarily these remaining hidden stories that we are interested in. These are the stories belonging to the children that never returned home. Who were these children? What happened to these children? Did they die on the site of the school or at the school’s hospital? Did they run away? Were they successful in running away? Did they only get so far in their attempt to escape? We know that the death rate at these institutions was approximately 50% for about 40 years, due in a large part to the neglect of disease, but also to other horrendous forms of abuse. So, we are going to continue to ask the question … “What happened to the bodies of these children?” until we get answers and the full truth is known. Were they cremated or were they buried? Were they all buried on the site of the schools or the hospitals? We know from the stories of some survivors that burials did take place on site. Some children were sent home to die. Stories continue to pour in daily from across the country and are being documented by the FRD. If you have a story to tell or know of anyone who does, or if you know of other burial locations please call 1-888-265-1007.

What we are asking for now is help in protecting the sites that have already been identified. It has been suggested that we protect these sites with “Keepers of The Spirits” – Warrior Societies and others who may be able to take up that vigil – a vigil which some may wish to tie into National Action events. Recently we issued a press release (see attachment) identifying 28 possible burial locations of these children. That number has now grown to 35 locations, due to new eye-witness accounts. We would like to open a network of communication amongst all who are interested in pursuing truth and justice, and so we are willing to share this information. Together, we need to decide what should be done about any evidence that is forthcoming, as well as what should happen to the remains of the children.

Nya’:weh, Chii Miigwetch, Háw’aa, Quajanaq, Mikwec, Welálin,

Friends & Relatives of the Disappeared Children

-Vancouver – Winnipeg – Toronto -1-888-265-1007 (toll-free in Canada)






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Friday, May 16, 2008

I really was a sheltered teenager...

Just another song I danced to and didn't have the faintest idea what the words actually meant. Nice beats, though.









if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Killing the "mother" and leaving the parent to her work...

Since I tried to post about killing the (black) "mother", I wanted to take a sec to clarify a great difference between the "mother" icon and female parent.

People confuse them.


They're really different...almost opposites.

Since I'm struggling with my understanding of the difference and with the ways that the diseased icon is imposed on me, I'll try to bre'k it down.

Mother:
Flesh incubator, less important than her biological output, first responsibility - protect patriarchal family (involves hiding nasty shite, lying, pretending, basically centralizing denial as primary familial exploit which includes teaching children to pretend/hide/lie/deny), second responsibility - protect patriarch's children, third responsibility Emotionally suppressed, usually fairly timid, hierarchical, disempowered, patriarchally identified (even if she's divorced, not married or desperately seeking a man), indirect in her communications, forced to present as gentle and soft, lacking libido/sexual only in relation to monogamous male partner/completely assexual/terrorized and controlled erotically, completely lacking center, shying away from overtly challenging anything, fearful...hmmm..that's what coming right now in terms of "mother" as construct.

Female parent:
Humaaaan, imperfect, growing, changing, seeking center, expressive, verbal, truthful, challenging, courageous, powerFULL, shares tasks with other parents involved in the building of the family, does not defer to patriarchal power or ego or fears or insecurity of male parent, will overtly challenge inside and outside the bounds of her family, overtly sexual in healthy and consensual ways, does not conflate her embracing her own erotic power with the demise of the family or neglect of her children, works to find balance between her needs and those of her children.

Hmmm...
That's a hard hack fairly messy. But I've been struggling at the library for days trying to post this. So, that'll have to work for now.

So, what's up with me these days?

Well, I'm searching for the balance between being a female parent of two children and being an adult female humaaan.

I'm being really aggressive about arriving at the balance. Like I said, I've already extended one "coffee" (unh...hopefully not really coffee...but still...unh...more horizontal...moist...frenetic...) hee, hee.

I have voices clucking their tongues at me that originate from inside my own head.
They think the ways I roam the street in search of meat are awful. They say that these attempts can only lead to ruin for me, the family and for my children.

The teenager giggles telling me that the hetero monogamously partnered wimmin will no doubt also cluck their teeth at me for daring to seek out externally located cock when I have a perfectly serviceable one at home. :)

I have voices getting all stoopid about the fact that I'm actively not cruising Black west indian men anymore. They're so sticky. They've been so sticky, so limited and limiting, so not respectful or open minded in any way this sexual queer matriarch understands as attractive.
And no!
I'm not interested in processing it. Gawd knows I've tried.
I'm still trying to tease out some of the Middle Passage heteronormative, classist, sexually conservative baggage with Paps. He's clinging to it like a life raft...as he was taught to do by Ophelia, her concubine and the rest of their extended biological family. So sad.

I just had to get out and run and romp and play.

I do it in the off hours when the babes are otherwise occupied. I don't substitute my pleasure seeking for their leisure, education or care. They get play, baths, walks, books read, dvds watched, cuddled...they both still sleep with me.

Funny they're getting more of me now that I decided to stop with the agoraphobic depressive thang. They have a happier Mama, too. Clearer, even more insightful than I already was.

As the liberation minded me roams the streets, the female parent well satiated... soon to be more satiated...does her work well and with care.

On Wednesday night the female parent stayed up long after everyone had gone to bed. I stayed up last night making Stinkapee settler dress, pantaloons and bonnet.

Yes, I know. eEw, gross.
She got invited to a birthday party of this white yellow haired child who has been consistently nice to her. I said she could go. unh...hee, hee.

We decided that Stinkapee could go as a Black settler. She didn't feel like she could be Black and participate. I explained that Black settlers also came to help teef Native people's lands. I told her that we had actually visited one of their settlements called Buxton. She remembered the hayride.

So, I free hand cut out and sewed a full length dress with three quarter length sleeves, ruffled neck and zipper at the back, a bonnet and a pair of pantaloons to wear underneath the dress.

She fucking loved it! I haven't made her any clothes ever. I've spent a good portion of her life fucking pissed, depressed, resisting, crying, tantrumming, seeking. It felt so good to give her something I made with my own hands. You should have seen the look on her dits teacher's face. She was the only child who had a full outfit hand made by a parent. Every little bit of hierarchical oneupmanship helps at her very class conscious and competitve school. Now I'll not just be known as the mama who makes her man drop off her daughter, who has yellow hair and doesn't talk to anyone but the Black nannies and a handful of mamas of colour, who has been spotted in the neighbourhood walking around in outfits that are distracting their husbands...now I'll also be known as tartilicious mama who actually has time to sew. :)

whatEVER!

Papi and I met with Stinkapee's principal, vice-principal and the superintendant last week.

How did that happen? Well, this is all about a little white girl bully in Stinkapee's class who they're sheltering at Stinkapee's expense.

She's been targetting Stinkapee for weeks. The teacher and the administration have been trying to downplay the impact on Stinkapee in favour of a story that looks like them targetting each other.

That was not going to happen.

It actually culminated with the fucking child throwing a rock at Stinkapee a few weeks ago.

Papi tried to check in with the school about two weeks ago to find out what was being done. The vice principal actually had the nerve to stonewall him. The teacher cowers, tries to avoid our questions and keeps on sheltering fuckedupness in her class.

That won't work.

Both Papi and I have nuff experiences with crazed killer bully children in public schools. We don't ramp when it comes to Stinkapee. She will not go through what we went through...alone...without armed back up.

So, the day the vice-principal told Papi that she wasn't going to discuss why a consequence the child had received hadn't been maintained, I marched into the office and... knowing that both the principal and vice-principal were not even a few meters away with their office doors open... sweetly, clearly, loudly, calmly asked for the names of the superintendent and trustee, their contact information and their addresses as I planned on not just calling them to discuss the ESCALATING VIOLENCE in the THEIR school, but I'd also be mailing them letters.

After making the calls on their phone in their office, I left.

Later on that afternoon the principal came to Papi and asked if he had any questions.

Needless to say, things had gone beyond a casual conversation in the school yard once the white teacher and the white principal and the white vice-principal decided that it was okay not give us any information about why a crazed white girl child threw a rock at Stinkapee and about why the consequence she was given wasn't carried through with.

So Papi smiled with him, smelling the other man's discomfort and we held out for our meeting.

It went fine. There was no other option.

There was a small boardroom table with two chairs along either side and one chair at the head.

I sat in the head chair, the power chair, the chair of the person who would be running the meeting.

The superintendent set the agenda. I usurped her agenda. She called me angry. I kindly advised her to think about choosing some other language to describe my emotions. The principal tried to describe Stinkapee and the child as the same. I kindly advised him (while the superintendent tried repeatedly to cut in so that he could speak his revisionist bullshite without hindrance from me...which she was not able to effectively do because I just kept pushing to get the three of them positioned where I wanted them)...so yes, I invited the principal comprehend and connect with the difference between being assertive (Stinkapee) and malevolent (feral white girl child).

They offered a "solution":

Stinkapee - verbal, self aware, interactive - could sit down with the other child - feral, unsocialized, non-verbal.

I pointed out that the children't needs are different. I let them know that I had the other child's needs in mind as she clearly had not received the help she needed and was suffering...but it shouldn't happen at Stinkapee's expense.

I extrapolated the syndrome of behaviours the little beast is exhibiting on through the ages to their natural consequences...there was a shooting at another school in the city just a few days ago. I said that I didn't want the poor beast child to end up shooting someone at fifteen because her issues were never dealt with.

I pointed out that Stinkapee sitting down with someone who has no cognicance of the significance of their own actions would not serve Stinkapee. I said that if the child has only basic communication skills and does not know how to connect her emotions to her words there would be no use sitting the two of them down together. I said that they could check in with Stinkapee and with the child separately and that if at any point they started to get the sense that the child was finally able to ground and be aware that some of her friendship courting skills are not useful or effective...stuff like threats, physical violence, taunting...then sure, Stinkapee could then sit down and have a conversation with her.

It was a hard conversation. I had to kick ass. I had to ignore the superintendent when she threaten to pull in the reigns of power and block actual engagement. I had to talk over her and shift focus back to where I needed it repeatedly.

But I've got the skills. I learned all this dealing with community "allies" in the struggle.

It went well. I was wearing full face paint, black pants suit, pearl necklace and earrings...pointy toe heels. My full body power suit armour worked like a charm.

Female parenting is a joy. I just cannot stand being forced into the role of the "mother". The mother has no space and I need space. The mother shoulders her "burden" mostly alone while maintaining the fiction that she's in it with her man. Papi and I are finding a nice rythm, trading the kidlets back and forth depending on who needs to do what, where, when and why. It's struggle. But Stinkapee and Shmolee are fucking happy and well looked after. whooHOO!












if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.















if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Week before last I gave myself a "Mother's" Day gift...

Crush in full effect, I had to figure out what exactly it was I was seeking. Keeping in mind that in this city, perhaps all large urban centers, people do what I call dating by job. Dating by job is where people surreptitiously or not so surreptitiously let people who they're interested in know what they do for a living, thereby giving a hint about their social status and access to privilege and wealth. I first noticed this inside communities of resistance. Stupid me. I was pursuing people who were visually appealing, fun, sexually skilled and intelligent. I didn't realize I was supposed to be searching for lovers based on their ability to accrue wealth and status.

Now I know.

Of course I still pursue the pretties.

But my pursuit of wet, sloppy, rutting happiness has become complicated to the point where I decided that I wouldn't make rutting a priority. I'd meet people who were interesting, intelligent, intrepid, irreverent, creative, verbal, etc. I figure if I meet people who fit this bill, eventually I'll click with one or more of them and then perhaps there can be wet, sloppy ruttings for all involved. :)

So, I decided to write up a resume of my interests that spoke to who I am as opposed to where I'm employed or what I work doing for an hourly wage. I made it into a flyer, added info about the kinds of people I'm seeking and posted it in harm's way.

It was like a manifestation and a prayer. I do those well.

I understood that I was making myself vulnerable. People at least in one particular location would know more about me than I usually share with casual onlookers and passersby. But the more I understand about myself and the more I connect with how this kind of self understanding could serve as a barrier to meeting other people and engaging with them on a longterm basis, the braver I become. I have to be if I'm not going to become completely isolated. So no biggie. I've become accustomed to "showing mine". :)

Oh and...any of my regular visitors will, as they read, notice which of my "interests" are actually not casual interests but instead the things that make my heart beat faster and my mind race...things close to the heart of who I am. So, FYI: I made a choice to intersperse the high level ones with interests of a more everyday (read: non-threatening nature)...fine, I wanted to get at least one response and have it not be from CSIS or from the RCMP. hee, hee!

Fast, furious, fearless friends?

Visual artist, writer/poet seeks inspiration, intelligent conversation and co-creation with other artists working in any medium.

My interests include but are definitely not limited to:

documentaries, Metallica (any kind of raw musics I can channel rage into), colour photocopiers, radical left politics, sci-fi/fantasy/horror anthologies and movies, period films, feminist authors, blogging, gender roles/codes/variance, bread making, gardening, history/herstory, Black consciousness, deviance, language, queerness, radical sexualities, anti-war politics, Native autonomy, MAC make-up, experimental cooking, polyamory, dancing, hair braiding & cutting, radical truth telling, html coding, intentional community building, sewing, exploration...

I'm open to meeting pretty much any vibrant spirit who is passionately in love with life and art making:

musicians, filmmakers, actors, choreographers, rogue theoreticians, dj's, graffiti artists, potters, knitters, computer geeks, piercers, tattoo artists, clothing designers, professional doms, jugglers, jewellery makers, walking stick carvers...

Let's play!

We can chat, think, drink, eat cake, bake, share a meal, prowl the streets, smoke cigars, stay up all night. But mostly, let's cross-pollinate!

So, I posted this once in my neighbourhood and wished for something to come on through.

Last weekend on Breeder Indoctrination and Incarceration Appreciation day Papi invited a new friend over and WOW!

He's an artisan. A knife carver. I like knives...sharp pointy things...playfully, lovingly menacing in certain sexualized consensual situations. He showed me the knives he's making. I was...excited. Hee, hee.

We talked about me having been born on the Klingon homeworld, about batleths, about Resident Evil, having zombie related anxiety attacks, about umrella corp and about how sci-fi really isn't sci-fi anymore. We talked breast feeding related hormonal irregularities and about my special friendship with Hannibal Lecter. I asked him to teach me to break down a gun. I think I'll learn to shoot one . He does martial arts. We talked about teaching six year old girls to throw punches and dodge flying fists. We talked about living in the forest, tree planting and encountering bears.

I was stimulated by his passionate obsession with experimenting and exploring.

FYI: He's white and extremely privileged. So feel free to byoa (bring your own analysis...I didn't leave mine behind..) I was also struck by how much space he had to just play and explore. I was struck by how little space I am offered to do the same. As a Black queer woman who has to resist her own subjugation on the daily, my play doesn't usually come without a fight.

I enjoyed dinner and our conversation. It was child-friendly, family friendly, yet still completely adult. I'd like to have some more of that, Universe...with all sorts of different people. Thanks in advance.





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Friday, May 09, 2008

Where I was born and bred...

Another quote from The Slave Ship.

Barbados

Yet another world soon appeard on the horizon. Upon sighting land, the crew "gave a great shout" and made "many signs of joy." But Equiano and the rest of the captives did not share in the excitement. They did not know what to think. Before them lay Barbados, epicenter(my emphasis not the author's) of the historic sugar revolution, crown jewel of the British colonial system, and one of the most fully realized -- and therefore most brutal -- slave societies to be found anywhere in the world.
Not many generations later...
After the fakey-fakey "emancipation" proclamation...
After (oops, this should read just before) the hideous white woman sitting on a pile of blood money sporting a muthafucking crown "gave" us our independence...
With so many middle class and upper class Black barbadians still priding themselves on their ties to Britain, I was born "illegitimately" through my mother into one of the exact center of the slave trade, the place where it first took hold and the place where it probably held on the longest.

This place the author describes, as the brutal epicenter, a few hundred years removed, is my "home".

No worries. I know, I know...
They will tell you I tantrum and freak for no good reason. I'm just attention seeking and needy.

They will tell you I am a shameless skettle/jamette/hoochee who cannot be trusted and who needs to shut her legs and her mouth.

They will tell you that if I just learned to close ranks and learn to turn to any/all people of colour and never openly question inside our ranks, liberation would come in time and we will all benefit...even my trashy queer ass and my bastard children. ;)

And I will come back with:
They know that the knowledge of who we are in these "freedom" times is in the process of being submerged fi good. Eventually no one will be able to make the links between that locus of slaving commerce and where we presently stand not too many generations later. The memory and the whys of it will be taken out of this world.

Deeply entrenched colonial attitudes among even those who have named themselves liberators, revolutionaries, freedom fighters, deep academic thinkers, eloquent author/poets keep us/me/them in chains, writhing under a brutal slave system maintained in the present day by the descendants of African slaves, maintained under pain of physical, emotional and psychological torment, controlled, stiff, shut down, terrified, paralyzed.

The chains are even more brutal because they are defined as non-existent and people like me are maligned sometimes even by the afor mentioned liberators, revolutionaries, freedom fighters, deep academic thinkers and eloquent author/poets for even speaking of our ongoing encarceration in mixed company.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. There are just some things you don't speak of in polite company. No, speaking out in the open just won't do.

Sooo...
This is where I was born.
This is where I enter.
This is the terrain, the flat earth I must continue to describe and point out if I will ever do more than just eek out a living and barely survive.

The epicenter of Middle Passage insanity is here in this flesh meant to walk respectably as a good and colonized example of all a "post colonial" emancipated slave society's daughta should be.

Chest hurts. Bile rises. Terror mounts. I understand that no matter how I convulse, no matter how I resist the end result will be the same - containment. My world of possibilities so carefully and lovingly envisioned shrinks on the daily. My little "disturbances" will not disrupt the classed, racialized, colonized flow of the atrocity that gave me and that place life.

Beam me tha fuck up, Scotty and chart a course for the Klingon homeworld. I'll be safer there.

I know, I know...there is no enterprise. And even if there was, they would only beam me up if I could fit into Uhuru's micro mini dress and suck off Captain James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard (Locutus of Borg).

So, it seems that whether I travel back through time or forward I will have to give "service" on a ship somewhere.

hee, hee, hee! (laughter of the damned in full effect...)






if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Hidden From History: The Story of the Canadian Genocide...

Information about the story of genocidal mass burials of Native students at Canadian residential school/kidnap and indoctrination facilities came to me via an email. I did not discover it, or independently locate it.

As a low level colonized settler my settler privilege means that my very survival is not hinged on going in search of information about the original inhabitants of these lands. My African descended, displaced, exiled family can draw breath here without having to deal with sticky, hot button issues like Native autonomy, stolen land and resources, genocide and mass graves if we don't want to. That's what being Black, colonized, settler and privileged means.

I'm hoping that instead of castigating me for spelling kkkanada in a way that highlights its history of white supremacist domination or for not being suitably, ass lickingly grateful for being nominated for a white kkkanadian feminist blogger award, white kkkanadian feminists will take a moment and reflect on the history of their/our "home" on Native lands.

Hidden From History: The Story of the Canadian Holocaust - The Untold Story of the Genocide of Aboriginal Peoples

A press release from the site dated reads as follows...


Press Statement: April 10, 2008
Mass Graves of Residential School Children Identified – Independent Inquiry Launched

We are gathered today to publicly disclose the location of twenty eight mass graves of children who died in Indian Residential Schools across Canada , and to announce the formation of an independent, non-governmental inquiry into the death and disappearance of children in these schools.

We estimate that there are hundreds, and possibly thousands, of children buried in these grave sites alone.

The Catholic, Anglican and United Church , and the government of Canada, operated the schools and hospitals where these mass graves are located. We therefore hold these institutions and their officers legally responsible and liable for the deaths of these children.

We have no confidence that the very institutions of church and state that are responsible for these deaths can conduct any kind of impartial or real inquiry into them. Accordingly, as of April 15, 2008, we are establishing an independent, non-governmental inquiry into the death and disappearance of Indian residential school children across Canada .

This inquiry shall be known as The International Human Rights Tribunal into Genocide in Canada (IHRTGC), and is established under the authority of the following hereditary chiefs, who shall serve as presiding judges of the Tribunal:

Hereditary Chief Kiapilano of the Squamish Nation
Chief Louis Daniels (Whispers Wind), Anishinabe Nation Chief Svnoyi Wohali (Night Eagle), Cherokee Nation
Lillian Shirt, Clan Mother, Cree Nation
Elder Ernie Sandy, Anishinabe (Ojibway) Nation
Hereditary Chief Steve Sampson, Chemainus NationAmbassador Chief Red Jacket of Turtle Island

Today, we are releasing to this Tribunal and to the people of the world the enclosed information on the location of mass graves connected to Indian residential schools and hospitals in order to prevent the destruction of this crucial evidence by the Canadian government, the RCMP and the Anglican, Catholic and United Church of Canada.

We call upon indigenous people on the land where these graves are located to monitor and protect these sites vigilantly, and prevent their destruction by occupational forces such as the RCMP and other government agencies.

Our Tribunal will commence on April 15 by gathering all of the evidence, including forensic remains, that is necessary to charge and indict those responsible for the deaths of the children buried therein.

Once these persons have been identified and detained, they will be tried and sentenced in indigenous courts of justice established by our Tribunal and under the authority of hereditary chiefs.

As a first step in this process, the IHRTGC will present this list of mass graves along with a statement to the United Nations in New York City on April 19, 2008. The IHRTGC will be asking the United Nations to declare these mass graves to be protected heritage sites, and will invite international human rights observers to monitor and assist its work.

Issued by the Elders and Judges of the IHRTGC
Interim Spokesperson: Eagle Strong Voice
Email: http://us.f506.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=genocidetribunal@yahoo.ca pager: 1-888-265-1007

IHRTGC Sponsors include The Friends and Relatives of the Disappeared, The Truth Commission into Genocide in Canada, the Defensoria Indigenia of Guatemala, Canadians for the Separation of Church and State, and a confederation of indigenous elders across Canada and Turtle Island.
...................................................................................................
Mass Graves at former Indian Residential Schools and Hospitals across Canada

A. British Columbia

1. Port Alberni: Presbyterian-United Church school (1895-1973), now occupied by the Nuu-Chah-Nulth Tribal Council (NTC) office, Kitskuksis Road . Grave site is a series of sinkhole rows in hills 100 metres due west of the NTC building, in thick foliage, past an unused water pipeline. Children also interred at Tseshaht reserve cemetery, and in wooded gully east of Catholic cemetery on River Road .
2. Alert Bay : St. Michael’s Anglican school (1878-1975), situated on Cormorant Island offshore from Port McNeill. Presently building is used by Namgis First Nation. Site is an overgrown field adjacent to the building, and also under the foundations of the present new building, constructed during the 1960’s. Skeletons seen “between the walls”.

3. Kuper Island: Catholic school (1890-1975), offshore from Chemainus. Land occupied by Penelakut Band. Former building is destroyed except for a staircase. Two grave sites: one immediately south of the former building, in a field containing a conventional cemetery; another at the west shoreline in a lagoon near the main dock.

4. Nanaimo Indian Hospital: Indian Affairs and United Church experimental facility (1942-1970) on Department of National Defense land. Buildings now destroyed. Grave sites are immediately east of former buildings on Fifth avenue , adjacent to and south of Malaspina College .

5. Mission: St. Mary’s Catholic school (1861-1984), adjacent to and north of Lougheed Highway and Fraser River Heritage Park . Original school buildings are destroyed, but many foundations are visible on the grounds of the Park.

In this area there are two grave sites: a) immediately adjacent to former girls’ dormitory and present cemetery for priests, and a larger mass grave in an artificial earthen mound, north of the cemetery among overgrown foliage and blackberry bushes, and b) east of the old school grounds, on the hilly slopes next to the field leading to the newer school building which is presently used by the Sto:lo First Nation. Hill site is 150 metres west of building.

6. North Vancouver: Squamish (1898-1959) and Sechelt (1912-1975) Catholic schools, buildings destroyed. Graves of children who died in these schools interred in the Squamish Band Cemetery , North Vancouver .

7. Sardis: Coqualeetza Methodist-United Church school (1889-1940), then experimental hospital run by federal government (1940-1969). Native burial site next to Sto:lo reserve and Little Mountain school, also possibly adjacent to former school-hospital building.

8. Cranbrook: St. Eugene Catholic school (1898-1970), recently converted into a tourist “resort” with federal funding, resulting in the covering-over of a mass burial site by a golf course in front of the building. Numerous grave sites are around and under this golf course.

9. Williams Lake : Catholic school (1890-1981), buildings destroyed but foundations intact, five miles south of city. Grave sites reported north of school grounds and under foundations of tunnel-like structure.

10. Meares Island (Tofino): Kakawis-Christie Catholic school (1898-1974). Buildings incorporated into Kakawis Healing Centre. Body storage room reported in basement, adjacent to burial grounds south of school.


11. Kamloops : Catholic school (1890-1978). Buildings intact. Mass grave south of school, adjacent to and amidst orchard. Numerous burials witnessed there.

12. Lytton: St. George’s Anglican school (1901-1979). Graves of students flogged to death, and others, reported under floorboards and next to playground.

13. Fraser Lake : Lejac Catholic school (1910-1976), buildings destroyed. Graves reported under old foundations and between the walls.

Alberta:

1. Edmonton : United Church school (1919-1960), presently site of the Poundmaker Lodge in St. Albert . Graves of children reported south of former school site, under thick hedge that runs north-south, adjacent to memorial marker.

2. Edmonton : Charles Camsell Hospital (1945-1967), building intact, experimental hospital run by Indian Affairs and United Church . Mass graves of children from hospital reported south of building, near staff garden.

3. Saddle Lake : Bluequills Catholic school (1898-1970), building intact, skeletons and skulls observed in basement furnace. Mass grave reported adjacent to school.

4. Hobbema: Ermineskin Catholic school (1916-1973), five intact skeletons observed in school furnace. Graves under former building foundations.

Manitoba:

1. Brandon : Methodist-United Church school (1895-1972). Building intact. Burials reported west of school building.

2. Portage La Prairie: Presbyterian-United Church school (1895-1950). Children buried at nearby Hillside Cemetery .

3. Norway House: Methodist-United Church school (1900-1974). “Very old” grave site next to former school building, demolished by United Church in 2004.

Ontario:

1. Thunder Bay : Lakehead Psychiatric Hospital , still in operation. Experimental centre. Women and children reported buried adjacent to hospital grounds.

2. Sioux Lookout: Pelican Lake Catholic school (1911-1973). Burials of children in mound near to school.

3. Kenora: Cecilia Jeffrey school, Presbyterian-United Church (1900-1966). Large burial mound east of former school.

4. Fort Albany : St. Anne’s Catholic school (1936-1964). Children killed in electric chair buried next to school.

5. Spanish: Catholic school (1883-1965). Numerous graves.

6. Brantford : Mohawk Institute, Anglican church (1850-1969), building intact. Series of graves in orchard behind school building, under rows of trees.

7. Sault Ste. Marie: Shingwauk Anglican school (1873-1969), some intact buildings. Several graves of children reported on grounds of old school.

Quebec:

1. Montreal : Allan Memorial Institute, McGill University , still in operation since opening in 1940. MKULTRA experimental centre. Mass grave of children killed there north of building, on southern slopes of Mount Royal behind stone wall.

Sources:

- Eyewitness accounts from survivors of these institutions, catalogued in Hidden from History: The Canadian Holocaust (2nd ed., 2005) by Kevin Annett. Other accounts are from local residents. See http://www.hiddenfromhistory.org/ .

- Documents and other material from the Department of Indian Affairs RG 10 microfilm series on Indian Residential Schools in Koerner Library, University of B.C.

- Survey data and physical evidence obtained from grave sites in Port Alberni , Mission , and other locations.

This is a partial list and does not include all of the grave sites connected to Indian residential Schools and hospitals across Canada. In many cases, children who were dying of diseases were sent home to die by school and church officials, and the remains of other children who died at the school were incinerated in the residential school furnaces.

This information is submitted by The Friends and Relatives of the Disappeared (FRD) to the world media, the United Nations, and to the International Human Rights Tribunal into Genocide in Canada (IHRTGC). The IHRTGC will commence its investigations on April 15, 2008 on Squamish Nation territory.

For more information on the independent inquiry into genocide in Canada being conducted by the IHRTGC, write to: http://us.f506.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=genocidetribunal@yahoo.ca

10 April, 2008
Squamish Nation Territory (“ Vancouver , Canada ”)


if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

I'm thinking about prisons...



(yes, i know, i know...i have really bad taste in music...)

The author of The Slave Ship is steering very close to exploring the origins of the people of color focussed prison complex in the amerikkkas.

He pretty much goes there when describing the slave ship as also a prison vessel meant to incarcerate the slaves, shackle, bind, contain them. His reading of the slave ship says that low level white sailors were often more likely prisoners "liberated" from land-based prisons in europe, custody transfered to the slave ship captain, still expected to serve out their sentences. It seems there was a consensus that the land prisons were much more pleasant than being imprisoned on board a slave ship, starved, force worked and fed to the sharks.

But I'm thinking farther back, too

Ship of fools, ship of "fools", "mad" people, Othered people, excluded people, necessary for the maintenance of societal binary people put on board a floating hell house and set adrift, imprisoned on the ship of "fools".

Incarceration as social exclusion...
It seems that the idea constructing human beings as other than human, kidnapping them, putting them aboard a ship and setting them adrift has its roots not in the slave ship, not even in the prisoners sent to the south pacific, but in the ship of fools...hmmm...did they put lepers on boats bound for nowhere, too?

So when they built their reserves, when they built their plantations they already knew there would be no freedom for any of those they constructed as subhumans.

When we question the prison complex, realize that from their vantage point all is well. They have been putting those we understand as "their own" on ships for hundreds of years and setting them adrift to nowhere with no thought of wrongdoing.

Hmm...funny, though, how did the white Australians and white new zealanders "graduate" to settler status when they started off as trash? Rhetorical, really. They have white skin, yellow hair and could "other" the Native people they found and in so doing dominate them as they had been dominated. Sweet.

With the well-being of their society completely predicated on imprisoning Others, nothing about the high percentage of Native people, Black people, other people of color and poor white people is a surprise. It's how they keep their pax.

Nothing about how they do thangs is gonna change without a brawling, bruising, brutal fight. They set it up that way.

Mama just prepares her babes as best as she can. The storm comes.




if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.