Saturday, November 29, 2008

Rj, yes...birthphotologs and opting to not study midwifery...

Rj has left a new comment on your post "Birthphotolog - Completed...":
I viewed/read your entire birth photolog. I have wanted to be a midwife for over a decade now, but some life stuff made me alter my plans. However it continues to call me. I am touched by you sharing your experience because I do not hear anything about Black women and homebirth, let alone Black women and birth, unless it is of the racial disparities tone.

I, like you, question if I would have many patients because I don't want to entertain analgesics and such...LOL...but I am in a tri-state area where birth centers and homebirth midwives are flourishing.
Hi R.J.
I'm glad you got something out of Shmolee's birth photos. I have often had to create what it was I was seeking. When I was pregnant with Shmolee, but also with Stinkapee, I couldn't find complete and graphic birth images of Black wimmin birthing in their own contexts.

A few hospital shots, some Black wimmin also birthing in hospitals on birth story. Even a few images of Black wimmin partnered with white men, still very demurely shot. I don't know what things are like now, as I haven't done any research for quite a while. The baby bug threatens to overtake me again, but Papi isn't on board and I'm actually looking ahead about another year or so befored his disinterest becomes of any real concern. :)

Sometimes I talk about homebirth and midwives with the Black wimmin, mostly working class, who I encounter on sidewalks.

One Black woman I spoke with asked a really interesting question: "Is your husband white?" When I said no and asked why, she said something that made it clear that a Black woman having access to the knowledge and to the entitlement needed to pull of a homebirth would only be understandable if she were partnered with a man who had white skin privilege.

I've seen this sort of twisted logic reflected in who online is considered an expert on homebirth and midwifery. Obviously there would have to be some access to new agey whiteness for the knowledge to flow towards a pregnant Black woman, who otherwise, would not be considered a fit or good mother because of her relationship to white domination. :)
In truth, I myself was directed to midwives by a white lesbian I knew years ago.

I also just remembered...
When I encountered a Black caregiver in the city just after I got pregnant with Stinkapee (my first) and before I had decided what I wanted to do about being pregnant, this woman tsk-tsked me about not having more access as an immigrant Black woman who had come here so many years ago...I shouldn't have been coming to a clinic to get looked at...I should know exactly what to do and where to go...and she lectured me about my eating habits, too. I was eating macdonalds french fries and never called me back to arrange for a follow up appointment. I guess she felt she could choose who she gave care to and who she wouldn't. :) The Black middle class...you just gotta luv em. :)

hmmm...
It's always really clear to me how little information flows to everyday Black wimmin at least in Toronto about midwives and homebirth. Even the fact that midwives are free, covered by our government health insurance is a fact that surprises the wimmin I encounter.

But, yeah, I had wanted to be a midwife but the amount of state control and medical establishment intervention even in an average midwife's education and accreditation is horrifying. I couldn't do it. I couldn't be that kind of midwife. I wouldn't be able to sit with what I understand a midwife was, should be, could be and then study within the parameters of what the doctor/butchers and their hospital corpoarations allow midwives to be...? I wouldn't make it.

Please, no one come writing to me about changing the system from within. The idea of making substantial change while participating inside a system designed to dominate and control is a liberal myth hatched to make entry and assimilation into said systems more acceptable and not as awful sounding. As long as I've met people who speak of this way of interacting with systems that control and crush, I've met people who drug themselves, lose themselves, become depressed, lose their hair, have massive anxiety among other symptoms originating from their psyches and bodies fight or flight reflex rendered impotent because collusion isn't a natural self preservation response to danger. Resistance and/or running are.
sigh...

And no, working with the majority of Black wimmin who might find their way into the care of a midwife doesn't serve to entice as often their approaches to birth can be as interventionist as white middle class wimmin. Although their reasons, as the dominated who have often been refused adequate "care" from doctor/butchers and their minions located inside the hospital corporation, come from a sense of having "moved on up" if they can have a hospital birth with all the ministrations, bells and whistles delivered by midwives located inside the hospital corporation, or from doctor/butchers and other hospital staff. Birthing inside a hospital corp is often taken as evidence of having access by new immigrants as well, who may have known only homebirths, without care or support back home.

So, as per usual...
Yet another complexly contradictory, messy kettle of smelly, slightly rotting fish.

I'm thinking of becoming a mortician. :)









if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.

I found this piece of writing about one dyke who introduced poly into her previously monogamous relationship with her woman lover...

More than One
One woman's path to polyamory


By M. Volkova

Say you have a friend, a fine, upstanding lesbian friend who's in a long-term relationship that you've always envied. She and her girlfriend have been together for over a decade. They're a fucking institution. The only reason they don't have an actual picket fence is because they rent and their landlord keeps saying something about building permits.

So one day, after you and your friend have drunk to the murky bottom of several cups of coffee, she turns to you and says, "I've taken a male lover. But, um, I'm still with my girlfriend." You pick up your jaw from the table, but then what do you do? Condole? Congratulate?

Both. Neither. Just listen.

It was a clear and sultry night, like any other summer night in Phoenix. The pool was warm, the triple margarita was well and truly tripled, and the fresh-faced young salesman was pleasantly persistent. The conference had come to an end, and we had nothing better to do than each other.

Back in my hotel room, I sprawled in an easy chair and watched him take off his swim trunks. Somewhere underneath my drunken haze and growing excitement, something prompted me to ask: "Did you know that I'm a lesbian?"

"Um. No." He had the decency to pause.

"Yeah," I said, my head lolling back. "I've been with my girlfriend for eight years."

"Oh. Well. Do you want to stop?"

Something else uncurled in me. "No," I said.

One of these days I should write that young man a thank-you note. That one drunken fuck set me on the path to polyamory.

Sitting on my shoulders as I write this is a crowd of poly people, folks in the polyamory community whom I haven't met yet but want to. I imagine it howling in protest, this subculture that is tired, perhaps, of being sensationalized in the media but always will be because certain aspects of our (sex) lives are more titillating (sex sex sex) to the general public.

Your whiplash entry into the world of multiple loves, say these shoulder-sitters, is not what polyamory is about. It's about conscious living, loving more, like snugglebunnies in a big puppy pile, dismantling the dominant paradigm of mono-hetero domesticity, remaining open to the magical realm of possibility.

Well, yeah. These days no one could ever accuse me of not being, you know, open to possibilities. And I don't want to be labeled a traitor to the cause, whatever that is.

But I'm beginning to understand that there are many paths to polyamory. Some people always knew about themselves; they could never settle down. Some people are drawn ever upward to Love, a higher state of being that transcends a marriage license. And some people get shitfaced and wake up with a bra on the lampshade and their world turned upside down.

So shut up and let me tell my tawdry truth.

I can speak of that time now with some calmness and even humor, but on June 3, 2000, I was not dealing well. I was hurtling down the dark desert highway at 100 miles per hour, feeling sick and hyperventilating and listening to the poignant harmonies of the Indigo Girls on endless repeat. (With my hetero indiscretion, had I resigned the right to listen to them?) I wept so hard I could barely see the road.

At home I stumbled into the bedroom and flung myself on the mercy of my partner, L., who was still half asleep and therefore quick to offer at least surface forgiveness.

Unconvinced of my worth and her sincerity, I called a counselor the next day.

Existential angst is not in the DSM-IV--every mental-health professional's guide to psychological disorders--but it ought to be. Because for months and months I had nothing to pin my problems on.

This whole thing confused the hell out of me. The uncomfortable urgency of my sexuality disgusted me, angered me, shook me to the core of my lesbian-feminist being. I had slept with men in college, but that was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, as they say.

Yes, yes, I was getting in touch with my deepest desires, which is a radical act for women. But some of my deepest desires revolved around dick, around getting hard evidence, so to speak, of male appreciation for me and my physical attributes. I wanted to be adored, objectified, flirted with, sought after--and how fucked up is that?

Not so very, it seems, not for me. Of course, it took me six months of counseling to get to that point. (Don't ask me to show you the bills.) That's about the time I began to realize I wasn't going to get any of the aforementioned action from L.

L. is a calm, serene woman, less verbally expressive than I am by far, and psychologically incapable of spilling torrents of trash-talk in my ear. She would never eye me up and down before grabbing my shoulders and ravishing my mouth--ugh, it's right off the cover of some paperback romance novel. And she will certainly never grow a penis.

But I didn't want to leave L. We had years of shared history, a comfortable, sweet home life. She thinks I'm crazy for all the impossible projects I pursue, but she supports me nonetheless. I like to cook for her, watch movies with her, take road trips, snuggle.

The sex? I knew you'd ask. Her heavy-lidded gaze makes my chest ache. Her lips are so soft and giving when I lean down to kiss her. We can make out for hours. After all this time I still love to do her, to make her gasp. She makes love to me tenderly, tentatively--she does not have the stamina to fuck me hard for long--and she always holds me while I pound myself and cry out and come in violent waves, asking no questions and wiping away my sweat.

Was it worth jeopardizing this seemingly sure thing for the uncertain lusts of the flesh? What kind of sex-crazed nympho was I for even asking?

I couldn't answer any of these questions. I was trapped in this state for months, until one day my counselor asked me what I really wanted, if I could have it free from fear or shame or judgment or scheduling complications. And I started crying, again--oh, for fuck's sake, where's that tissue box?--and said, "I want to stay with L., and I want to sleep with men."

In psychobabble, this is known as "a breakthrough moment." Other people might call it "wanting to have your cake and eat it too." That's how irrational and crazy and greedy I felt.

In a movement theater piece I choreographed at the time, I had myself walking around and around in a circle, saying, "I ask too much."

I ask too much. I ask too much. I ask too much.

You get the drift.

Eventually, on Independence Day, 2001, I did ask. That conversation was the most frightening thing that L. and I ever did.

After several such talks, we agreed not to discuss it anymore at night in our bed. The uncertainties were strongest then, their monstrous shadows stretching out long from the closet and leaving a chill around our shoulders, even in the midsummer heat.

Instead, we took to driving out to a nearby lake, where we sat on some gnarled tree roots by the water and carefully negotiated the protocol of this new relationship. The swimming ducks and paddleboats lent a surreal calm to the waterscape as we stared up at the improbably blue sky and tried to patch together some rickety framework on which to hang our tattered hearts.

I still have the original notes from those first tortured talks. "Not in the house." "Not in L.'s car." "Call if spending the night." "No messages on our shared voice mail." "Nobody who L. knows socially." Can you read between the lines? Can you imagine the cracks in our coupleness that had to happen for us to even speak those ideas aloud?

L. agreed to give an open relationship a try, but I knew, I knew she was deeply unhappy about it. And I wrestled with the guilt of going through with it anyway.

My one source of relief in the middle of the tumult was the thought that I actually wasn't the only one. I found the alt.poly newsgroup, a fractious bunch that, like many newsgroups, had little cohesion but great FAQs.

And it turned out that a few female friends who I thought were dyed-in-the-wool dykes were actually managing multiple long-term relationships with both men and women. I came out to one of those acquaintances at a retreat, while we were skinny-dipping in a country pond. (Hey, we were naked. It felt like a self-disclosure kind of moment.) Her response was gratifyingly calm, something along the lines of "Wow, that's great. Are you and L. doing okay?"

Were we? Yes, about as well as could be expected. But so far, the whole thing was hypothetical. Any real-world application felt beyond me. I was, however, intensely curious about what would happen if I did put myself back on the market.

As a birthday present, a friend wrote my personal ad, which I posted to a local online bulletin board. The ad read: "Fierce, articulate bi-dyke with big tits seeks caring, confident man who won't bore me. We both make conscious choices about our atypical sex lives."

Most of the men who responded sounded like Neanderthal fuckwits. (Ah-ha, grumbled my inner feminist, still chafing at the embarrassing implications of my true sexual preferences. That's what you get when you mention tits.)

Not always. Occasionally you get men like S.

Obviously articulate, ironic without being completely detached, S. introduced himself as a mischievous South Asian lad, a doctoral student in an advanced field of science who liked to cook, read voraciously, and wanted a no-strings-attached sexual adventure with someone who could hold up her end of the conversation. Works for me, I thought, and wrote back.

Things happen fast on the Internet. Fortunes are made and lost, news travels at lightning speed, and lust blooms like a flower in one of those fast-forward nature documentaries. Within a week we were exchanging porn fantasies, and a month later S. and I met for a coffee chat.

I wore my schoolgirl-gone-bad outfit: short plaid skirt, very unbuttoned shirt, and thigh-high fishnet stockings. The getup made me look much more assertive than I felt.

Sitting across from S. in the dimly lit cafe, I toyed with some coffee that I didn't really need. I was jittery enough, terrified of what we were doing. He saw my fear before I said anything and talked to me softly about everything except what we were doing, about his work, about movies, about childhood books, about I don't remember what--and it didn't much matter. He was just making calming noises to coax me down from the ledge, all the while gently stroking my shaking hands with his delicate fingers.

Eventually I stopped trembling and blushing, and we agreed to head out for dinner. On the way there, my chutzpah came roaring back, and I pulled S. into an empty doorway. When he pressed me up against the wall, gazing at me darkly and running those soft fingers up my thigh, I knew.

The next day S. e-mailed me to explain that our encounter, which went on to include nine noisy hours in a hotel room, had "surpassed [his] expectations by orders of magnitude."

Ah, that S. Ever the scientist.

That was five months ago, five months of more or less weekly trysts that leave me wrung out for a day or two afterward. I did not know back then how much I craved this kind of connection.

S. meets me blow for blow and gets off on the intensity of my appetite. He is confident to the point of arrogance, explicit in every sense of the word, snuggly or sadistic at just the right moment, a truly twisted pervert with impeccable manners. He has a disconcerting postcoital habit of bringing up science news of the day, but it's cute when he's naked and nuzzling my wrist.

Complications have arisen, of course. This is no poly paradise (which I'm not sure even exists, except maybe at the end of some Robert Heinlein novels). The more L. and I are honest with each other about how we are growing and changing, as individuals and as a couple, the less certain we are about our long-term future.

In our lakeside summit meetings, we had said we were committed to the relationship; that was the truth but not the whole truth. Now we know that we are committed to the relationship as long as it works for both of us, which does look possible, even likely, but is not the sure bet we once thought we had.

And S. and I have actually fallen in love, despite our original intention of keeping things on a fuck-buddy basis. This goes against everything I had intended at the beginning, when I was feeling all jaded and gritty and I-can-keep-my-distance. But I must be forgiven. Turns out I can't resist a man who calls me his little girl and feeds me mango ice cream, and then beats me with his belt and screws me senseless. (Yes, my emergent BDSM tendencies are a complicating factor, yet another thing that L. can't, won't help me with. But that's a different story.)

What about this story? How will it end? Soon, for one thing, at least as a tale featuring S. as a central character. He told me from the beginning that he would probably be leaving the area for his postdoc work. It seems also that he might have an arranged marriage in the near future, something that happens with some frequency among the upper class in his culture.

Whatever happens, I am an interested party with no right to speak. All I can do is laugh at the notion of this Muslim-turned-atheist top arrayed in the chaste white of a bridegroom and marrying a virgin and cleaving unto her forever.

A few months ago I was having a hard time swallowing the bitter irony of this conclusion. Though I had thrown over the monogamy paradigm, I got stuck in the true-love-is-forever conundrum. But this true love, it turns out, is perfect in its short-term, limited-warranty way.

Besides, if I got lucky once with that ad, who knows who might answer it next time?

These days I'm feeling philosophical like that. I mean, I will cry my eyes out at our last rendezvous, and I won't move on right away to someone new, as a couple of my friends have suggested with only the slightest touch of cattiness. And yes, it is a messy, messy business, leaving tearstains on pillowcases and scribbled-out pages in my day planner.

But I would not rewrite this story for anything. From my ecstatic date last weekend with S. to yet another heart-wrenching talk with L. this morning, this is the way it has to be, as I remind myself with a string of poetry magnets on S.'s fridge:

you have saved me from an eternity
of what if
with one moment of yes




if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Do the kindergarten students who are dressed as pilgrims get to rape, lie to, steal from and mass murder the students dressed as Native people?...



The settler children are only obliviously having fun because their parents lie to them by omission in the same way their parents lied to them. It is only by shrugging and behaving like the children are only participating in good clean fun that settler occupation on these lands is maintained.

I remember when Stinkapee was going to the private school and she explained to the other students about kkkanada being stolen land. The teacher contacted us because she said the other children went into anxiety and wanted to know if they'd be asked to leave. Stinkapee told them that really we all needed to leave.

She knows that although she was born here her people are Africans. Mama and Papi are African descended. Shmolee is African descended. She knows that Mama totally does not believe in the settler celebration song also known as the national anthem. She knows that Native peoples were here before everybody.

Last week we talked about people saying they're from kkkanada. I explained that kkkanada is the state that invaders built on top of land that isn't theirs. kkkanada is the buildings, the sidewalks, the houses, the government. kkkanada isn't the land. So when people say they're from kkkanada or they're kkkanadian they're talking about a relationship to a settler state.

We both agreed that underneath the concrete and the buildings there is a land that is older than kkkanada. For the rest of the evening, as we walked, Stinkapee pointed out places where cracks in the pavement allowed bits of what is actually there to shine through in the form of green vegetation.

I'm thinking about how obamarama was, historically speaking, the first colonized low level settler to be allowed out of his place, the places all colonized low level setter folk also known as Black people, are allowed to occupy. It's clear that those with power, who never let colonized low level settlers forget who they are and where they're going to stay, have something really special cooked up for the GodKing.

As I wait without bated breath for him to do his thang, I thought I'd offer an older post in celebration of amerikkkan rape, murder and steal the land day. We up here already had our celebrate the massive theft day in october. I ate a poor weird looking bird that never harmed anybody.

FREE the turkeys
!

reLOADing...

Monday, September 17, 2007

Settler-ship, not citizenship...

I was thinking about the flowers I mentioned having given to Ilyria in my last post. Thinking about the fact that those flowers could have been farmed by mexicans or some other brown people denied citizenship - screeched to a halt...

Switch "citizenship" with "settler-ship", settlership - the privilege of becoming a settler on stolen northern lands...
the privilege of becoming part of a stratified labour force designed to support systems of domination that support the ongoing colonization of the land and its peoples, Native people, the privilege of --

Shmolee is frustrated at having fallen...his cries are diverting my attention...he's actually fine, just a little bit pissed...Mr. Snotty Nose. :) Okay, I have him. now, he's doing his usual - tha breast thang.

Settlership...
I'm not a citizen. I'm a settler. A settler who, regardless of whether I'm "landed" (hee, hee, hee...interesting word) or whether I have the paper that says I'm a citizen, I have settlership by virtue of squatting here along with everybody else, even those who squat and are defined as squatting "illegally", "aliens". We're all aliens, except for Native people.

When people try to "get in", when they try to find ways to be allowed to become citizens, they're actually lobbying for settlership.

Settlership...
I was saying to myself that it's not like this is somewhere like ancient Athens...but then I had to stop myself - didn't they, like have a permanent slave class a person couldn't dig themselves out of? Wasn't citizenship and all its perks only accorded to adult Athenian males and through them only indirectly to the wimmin, youth and children in good standing who were parts of an adult male's patriarchal family?

Okay, so citizenship, as it is traced from those times right through to the West/North in present day has always been for a few, always about oppression, with the privileges offered to a few completely predicated on those same privileges not being offered at all, or only being offered sparingly to many, many others.

I think with kkkanada and amerikkka, states actually not being founded on ancestral lands as was the case with Athens, Sparta or even Rome...of course these people's were all imperial colonizers who also spread out in a really martial, virulent, oppressive version of present day urban sprawl, absorbing the lands and peoples around them in order to access more resources, power and land for settlement reserved for citizens...

kkkanada and amerikkka are states founded on the ancestral lands of other peoples, ancestral lands stolen in a situation quite like that up above where the colonizers came greedy with a mind to dominate, where they did not want to share, only wanting to reserve the right to take everything, every single resource and redistribute it in the form of "settlership" - automatic for those born white to the families of the original genocidal colonizing people (that would be those people/bloggers who habitually say stuff like: "I know I'm white, but what can I do?" or "I know I'm white but that doesn't make me a racist!")...

Settlership is also conferred sparingly to those born while sporting various shades of brown and black, whose labour is purchased at whatever ridiculously low rate (economic and class exploitation) in exchange for their full support of the settler state not for full settler rights, but only for whatever the state deems fit to offer to any given individual or grouping of people who might have to lobby, protest or rebel before accessing even a modicum of the unconditional settlership some are born into...(freed african slaves can have this, south asian indentured workers can have that, chinese rail workers can have this, black caribbean domestics can have that, mexican migrants can have this, filipino nannies can have that...).

Native people, obviously not settlers, cannot be anything but a serious and ever present threat to the validity and power of the racially and economically stratified, settler state...they can only be cast as trouble makers who must be maligned and undermined at every possible juncture.

Other black and brown people who crave even partial settlership will know not to ally with them, will know to stay away from them, shun them, forget them, or to only pay lip service to their causes. We (and I mean that there's a "me" in that "we") will choose not to support their land rights because supporting their land rights would be a clear subversion of the possibility of us constructing colonized crazy ass selves as having even a partial right to their lands, which in turn would undermine the power of the state to confer full or partial settlership on any/all of us who really just want a to have little settler babies, get high paying settler jobs, buy into the illusion of purchasing some real estate (un/settled land) and a build or decorate our little settler homesteads (houses) which stand directly over the bones of millions of dead people...while folks wring their hands over whose front yard has the most fucking curb appeal.

Okay, he's squirming a lot today. I'll have to come back and read this to see if it makes any sense...later.








if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thanks, Sarah...

hey tj,

this was my friend's facebook profile photo today. i thought it might make
you smile, if you hadn't seen it around the internetto (not sure where it's
from).

that's all!

sarah








if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.

My all time favourite (older) posts...

I found this in drafts. I read it and then edited/updated it slightly.

If you're new here, this post and the attached list of my older blog entries is a good place to start...

this entry was dated: 11/7/07 bottle set adrift at 11:36am



I like my blog posts best when I push the envelope hard. People who are simple can't tell the difference between me pushing their emotional buttons (so intimately attached to the oppressive shite they cart around and protect with lies and denial) and pushing their political consciousness (also attached to their emotional shite...). So sad.

Why would I want to push a feminist, a woman of color, a trans person, a queer, a working class or poor woman, an illegal immigrant, a low level settler when they already have to absorb so much systemic oppression and hatred? I push their consciousness of/denial about their shit/our shit hard cuz I just don't want to have the shite they/we might be overlooking push me/us over the edge and destroy any possibility of viable, equitable alliance.

Basically, the alliances are grounded in denial, silence and power based hierarchies, shored up by leaky sand bags and with extremely faulty seawalls. Periodically the shit hits the fan, things explode, there are furtive talks usually behind closed doors, whatever happened is buried, an opportunity for strengthening of ties is lost, people part ways and business of resistance continues mired in the aforementioned denial, silence and power based hierarchies.

So, yah...
I know that some feel what I write like a soccer kick to the head. Trust me, I deliver theoretical kicks to my own head all the time as I try to find ways to make sense of my own shite. You're just feeling the residual effects, the waves rolling over your brains and out into the blogosphere well after the fact.

Unfortunately some sad, frightened, weak brained, disempowered little people don't get what I'm after or what I'm on about. To which I say: Just because you've never encountered someone like me, just because none of the people you know or love are like me, just because none of your allies address you like me doesn't fucken make me wrong...wrong is (still) not my (fucken) name.

In any case, a link to this post is going to replace the long list of favourites I have in my sidebar. I haven't updated my sidebar in almost a year. If you'd like to exchange links with me just leave a comment here and I will add you.

"bury my heart" after breakfast

dinner conversation

pitiful, just pitiful

clustrmaps says...

marriage is not love

bloggers with faces

proud mama

echo locating my spirited poe$

awol from counselling

blood, shit and piss

mother taking a stand...a blessing and a skill

dinner conversation

visiting with navelgazer

birthphotolog completed

i am not a "mother"

managing (radical) activism

re-entry...new house, new neighbours, same life

called away from her complicated, colonized erotic

tracking the ellusive Black colonized settler homebirthing mama...

coming out as a homeschooled adult

the time of shade

this black ghost

unscripted and untelevised

cnn, fox and emotional button pushing through media - the amerikkkan way...

so much

basic geography

from the people who gave us eugenics and the flat earth

blogland is about to be under strict manners

blogland marshall law

papi's belly dance lessons

stinkapee encouraged to feel comfortable with her bodily emissions

imus was "fired"...hee, hee, hee

five hos

four niggas

sexualized alpha male mounting of detainees

no bees, no food

i am a healthy wolf woman

joan rivers or when i am oldER

patriarchal, racist relations or how i became scary and intimidating

but, the last anti-oppression workshop i attended was fun

the shmolian's trip to hospital

a few words about genitalia

the thing that pisses the academics off is...

post slavery trauma, take 2

caribbean tourist horror movie idea

the iraqi genocide

gymnastics camp on first nations' land

curious and questioning

my back memory

my path to empowerment

western civilization...a history of emotional dysfunction

requesting made to queen for money to pay my therapist

more correspondence with stinkapee's school

black colonized settler realization meltdown, take 2

stinkapee's new independent school

my daughter and evil barbie

blog for choice day kindergarten style

immediately pre birth photos

my birth story

childrearing tools morph into disciplinary relational strategy

sex positive parenting ARGH

women of color sex and sexuality

pregnancy, pap smear and me

anti-patriarchal movement yet to find its stride

creating tongues of fyah

foremother passes

i feel excited

large naked russian lady

resisting the watershed effect

this back not your bridge

talking with my partner's mother

the joys of actually processing information

there's just no way to forget

unpacking the invisible knapsack of sexual conservatism

feminist "rage"

i missed the carnival of bent attractions

coming out

revolution IS controversial

take me off

african liberation month dreamin'

my partner's mother

another long-lived widow passes over after her prominent husband

inviting feminism into bed with us

seeking...

reason not to engage

the monogamy chronicles continue

what i do when politically stunted conversations piss me off

today is blog for choice day...

wimmin's monogamy, a cultural construct not a natural way of life

my first post - back in the saddle again



if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.

I am going to be stopping with the Obamarama posts soon...

But there are a few loose ends I need to tie up. These are all Obamarama related comments that I received but really couldn't deal with because I was vomiting and processing my own powerful reactions.

I just wanted to make sure that everyone who commented knew that I actually read what they wrote and that their comments were not lost in cyber space. I wanted to give the things people wrote the attention they deserved.

Sometimes I comment. Other times I'll just put the comment out there. Thanks to everyone who witnessed and/or commented while I tantrumed. I really am feeling a whole lot better. :)



Aspasia has left a new comment on your post "He was a fighter for the people...":
Without a doubt. Che was a medical student (I don't think he finished but he got started) so he was definitely way too intelligent, in my opinion, to do that daily mundanity of governance. You're completely correct. I think if he had finished medical school, Che probably would've been a trauma surgeon. That's a very frontline, unpredictable, think-on-your-feet sort of doctor.
Hey Aspasia!
I forgot to ask if you wanted to exchange links? But I also realize I don't know anything about you. I saw a bit of who you have conversations with. I followed a link back to your blog yesterday. giggles...
But then again, having me in your sidebar might not actually be conducive to you getting hits and making friends. But have you been around long? I can never tell whether I'm meeting the same people with different blogs or new people with new blogs. giggles...


thepoetryman has left a new comment on your post "Shutting down the School of he Amerikkkas....":
America, the great training ground for water boarding, sleep deprivation, genital kicks, fingernail removal and foot crushing. Who'd 've thunk it?
Hi Poetry Man,
I think many of have thought about it quite a bit. It's just been hard to let the conversations about things like atrocities mingle with conversations about what it means to say...support the troops...who are doing water boarding, sleep deprivation, genital kicks, fingernail removal and foot crushing...and to let this conversation mingle with what it means to vote for any politician who says that he will be authorizing sending more troops overseas...and to let this conversation mingle with images of these murderous troops coming home either to police their own people or coming home in body bags or without limbs or with stress so bad there is nothing for them to do with it save beat the shit out of their girlfriends, wives and children...and to let these conversations all mingle with what we, you, I, all the north amerikkkans around us who are squatting occupiers on lands that are totally unceded mean exactly when we talk about home, peace, freedom, change.

At some point the compartments between the conversations will come down, the consciousness of what it all means will deluge us and either we will go utterly mad, or change will well and truly come.



thepoetryman has left a new comment on your post "No FUCKen WAY!...":
Obama and Che? They weren't taking mushrooms...they're likely lacking a brain altogether.
I just think people are really looking for answers and solutions . And especially in a thoroughly dehistoricized social climate where loss of memory is so fully supported and where surface seeming is of massive importance, I can see how people who weren't alive when Malcolm and Che were or who were never radicallly conscientized via their examples or their words might get a l'il bit confused and end up thinking an eagle eyed civil servant is one of them reincarnated. So sad. So very untrue. But I still understand the desperation. We're talking the fall of an empire, here.



thepoetryman has left a new comment on your post "reLOADing...Obamarama...":
I see your point(s) and find them refreshing in their frankness.

I cannot predict the future of an Obama presidency, but being a white hetero-male who has defended African Americans, Africans, Mulatto, blacks, Native Americans, Latino, gay, straight, women, etc I can say without a shadow of any doubt that the fact that more people are going to vote in this election than have in our (US) history, that the energy, the enthusiasm, the raw welcoming of such an unprecedented event has the potential to shape our country, maybe not everything will be so energized, but it has begun already to deliver a feeling, a true emotional response from the citizens of this country and the butterfly effect crosses over foreign shores. I am not sure where it began, but it certainly has a tangible air.

Taking into consideration your cautions, etc, I still see it as most positive. Yes. Simply based on the color of Obama's skin. I am certainly no easy sell and I am not "buying" the extra-hype surrounding Obamania, for he is still running for president of these United States of America, a country that has been needing a reality check on her greatness since shortly after Columbus slaughtered her natives living in peace on her shores. Yet I am still optimistic at the prospects of an Obama presidency, even if it only succeeds in proving to the world that we have taken a baby step in the direction of inclusiveness. As they say, one step at a time, right?

He, if fortunate enough to be elected, will have a daunting job ahead of him, but with continued pressure from we the people it may well prove to be an incredible "moment" in time.

Naive? No. Hopeful? Yes.

It is evident in my writings that I am not fooled by America's pretenses, or supposed "grand history", but it is difficult from my perspective to see a better, more viable alternative.

In time, perhaps, our words of freedom will not ring hollow, our beacon will indeed shine, and our shores will be inviting for something other than the oft delusional mirage of "riches", "dreams" and "freedom"...

Peace my dearest dark daughta.


Loving Pecola has left a new comment on your post "You read my blog for four hours? :) ...":
I sure did! I had no idea you and seminalson were officially, formally renegotiating your partnership, had missed all the videos and super fresh pics, had missed stinkapee's spirals :o) all kinds of stuff. Well and of course all of the election stuff, good stuff, I'm reading it all. Today I thought, wow I coulda read for 2 hours and then been considerate enough to take the next 2 hours to write something to contribute to the discussion. But real talk, I have not much to add to the "neither candidate is good, america is ruining the planet, you're all being fooled and too dumb to see it" discourse. I especially love the new middle class/pop video/bratz dolls post. I think I could contribute to that. I need to read that one again.

How about 10am? (I have no commitments that day, so actually... I'm flexible)
Oh L.P.,
I posted about goings on in my relationship with Papster for quite some time. I think that because there hasn't been a lot of drama associated with it, the shift might have been easy for most to miss. Just two people trying to maintain a particular level of respect and affection for each other tweaking how they interrelate. :)

"
But real talk, I have not much to add to the "neither candidate is good, america is ruining the planet, you're all being fooled and too dumb to see it" discourse."

I think that this may be a bit of a gross reduction. What I was actually trying to get across is that artificial binaries whether they are related to race, gender or to politics don't actually offer choice.

Being forced to choose between two candidates flattens your country's issues and destroys the possibility of adequate solutions ever being located. An election process becomes like going to the superbowl.
Are you team blue or team red?

Your governmental system, your society, not yours truly, understands your citizenry as too unaware to handle complexity and layered meaning. They dumb down what could actually be a quite complex and representational process. To make sure that voters will tolerate the insult, they make sure that citizens are mis/educated from childhood right on through to adulthood to understand issues as either/or, this or that, black or white.

It has been one of the most frustrating things about dealing with many (but not all) of the amerikkkan bloggers I've encountered. That need to flatten any given issue down to the most basic points.

I agree. I don't agree.

Furious debators, yes. But also, for the most point simple debators who have not been educated in the art of exploration and excavation where discussing multiple facets rather than two sides makes having conversation about something like the significance of Obama completely impossible.

So, I hid. I admit it. I hid from a debate that could only have two possible sides. It wasn't enough for me. I'm still hoping for something more...substantial. :)



sarah has left a new comment on your post "It's just a few hours away...for me things are as ...":
This election scares me too, no matter what. The violent machinations that go on in the USA are scary enough when they are thundering along steadily, never mind when they're pivoting. I just watched a lot of Lord of the Rings, and I've been playing Gandalf in my head today. (I'm trusting your sf/fantasy fan tendencies here), "You are soldiers of Gondor! No matter what comes through that gate, you will stand and fight!" It's the "no matter what comes through that gate part" that is working for me. (Various substitution filters on soldiers, etc.)

ANYWAY. What I really wanted to comment on was that I've noticed a lot more mainstream discussion about the brokenness of electoral systems in this last Canadian election and the US one. I suppose partly fuelled by all the data on the internet. (Seems like a lot more people have seen pie charts that show someone could win the US presidency with 17% of the popular vote, even in a straight election, etc.)

The discussion is slowwwww and small in scope, and only seems to happen during a tiny window around elections, but I still feel happy when I hear it from usually placid places (mainstream news, bland tech bloggers, etc). BC is having another proportional representation referendum in the spring, so out here the criticisms of the current ways get focussed on that, but it's been interesting to see posts from bloggers who don't have readymade minor reforms on their radar. I wish I'd been collecting bookmarks. It just seems like there is some (casual, initial) hunger for ideas about democracy and governance, among people further into the mainstream than I usually expect. I like seeing those little blips. I try to respond with links about participatory democracy and random farther-out things, food for thought. So far no takers really. (Ha.)


Sarah,
I looked up the clip from LOTR. Did you mean Aragorn's speech?



I understand that we will eventually have to resist rather than simply vote for someone who can sign some papers and give the camera his good side.

I also looked up this scene which I think is also applicable...



Scary, violent darkie racist imagery aside...as Anna Kiss would say: sue me. :) I take my inspiration from wherever I can. While we stand sentinel, they may be able to manipulate the minds of many but there will always be those who choose to stand firm and say in the clearest of voices, on pain of death: You shall not pass!


thegayte-keeper has left a new comment on your post "Definitely NOT...":
I FEEL THE EMOTIONS OF THIS POST, I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER IF OBAMA IS JUST A RUBBER STAMP FOR SOMEONE PULLING THE STRINGS BEHIND THE SCENES...NOT BE NEGATIVE, BUT I OFTEN WONDER WHO HAS A LOT TO GAIN WHEN A BLACK MAN IS GIVEN POWER, FAME & FORTUNE...

Oh Gayte-Keeper...
I know people will not be able to be anything but scandalized when I write that after he won I just kept thinking that the heterosexual, middle class, monogamous, christian Black family men who were already completely backwards, oppressive and out of order (inside our communities where no one can witness their moves), so full of themselves and convinced of their own moral authority will now be complete utter insufferable bores who I will probably have to verbally slash on a regular basis just so that I can walk the streets without too much of their already idiotic, but now fully validated, shite messing with my plans and agendas. hee, hee. :)

creatrix has left a new comment on your post "Nationalism is an old and dangerous belief system....":

i think we're all hoping for something different this time around. only time will tell...
:)
I suspect you'll all be needing a whole lot more than hope to change a whole way of relating to yourselves, to the resources of the world, to the other people's of the world, to the completely marginalized First Nations peoples of the amerikkkas. But I understand why people would think that hope will be the only thing necessary. It makes it easier for them to occupy their lives and hope for more of the same kind of denial, privilege and international power. I understand. Really...I do.


creatrix has left a new comment on your post "Definitely NOT...":

hmm...

i don't know. i'm prepared for this and for the best, as well.

obama could be the same thing in different packaging.

but something tells me he isn't.

i realize that he is still not "one of us" (he is not the descendant of slaves...or even from one of the african nations that was most deeply affected by the triangle trade. he's acceptable. when one of US makes it up there, i'll know it's REALLY different...), and that he can still be crippled by an uncooperative congress, even if he means well.

but IF the people actually hold him accountable, keep pressure on him to do what he said he'd do...the seeds of change could be planted.

they've already been planted, actually. think of the blk folks got up and DID SOMETHING because of him. my voting line was 2.5 hours long and i know a bunch of those ppl had probably never voted before.

this morning, they feel like they won.

it ain't perfect, but it's a start.

it's still fked up, and i ain't lettin nobody off the hook for racism or other assorted bullshit just 'cause obama made it through...but there's something different about this.

too early to tell what kind of different...

Hi again...
The one thing I'd take from what you wrote here that I haven't already addressed is the myth of the uncooperative congress. Have all of you forgotten how georgie railroaded over your congress? How he pulled their teeth? How they did not impeach him, could not empeach him? The precedent is already set for a president to completely ignore congress and continue along unchecked. If obamarama aka The God King utilizes an uncooperative congress as the reason why he could not do something he promised he would, please...try and remember that congress is toothless and therefore a perfect scapegoat. :)




GoddessGlory has left a new comment on your post "If you want to remain in contact with me, these ar...":
"The Pigmented One", funny. I'm here. It's sad isn't. I wonder how long the drones are going to be chanting 'YES WE CAN'
Hi Glory,
I'm thinking they may have finally stopped. I'm not getting the crazed looks on the street, anymore and some of the mothers (one white mother and one middle eastern woman) at school are openly picking fights with us. So I figure that now will be the time for those who were secretly horrified, but outwardly smiling to start reestablishing the old racist equilibrium. How sweet.


jokerine has left a new comment on your post "If you want to remain in contact with me, these ar...":
I hear you. Loud and clear.

clear.
Paula,
Thanks so much for respecting my boundary. Hugs.



Loving Pecola has left a new comment on your post "If you want to remain in contact with me, these ar...":

PEACE would probably fit well on the list, too.

I was obviously looking forward to our scheduled chat this Friday. I recall you saying that pod people were those who were willing to put their critical analysis to sleep and wave a flag... I aint wavin flags, but I was/am willing to temporarily put what little critical analysis I
am developing aside for a minute. In keeping with the honesty to self that I have always brought with me to your space, I admit it. I am taking this moment to suspend a critical analysis that, when taken seriously, does not leave space for optimism due to the magnitude of what is to be lost because of our ignorance. I am taking this moment to hear what my 88 year old madear has to say. I am going to look into the faces of my other two grandmothers and see and hear what this means to them, if anything, because they've earned my attention and respect. There are several things I am going to this moment to do, including enjoy an image of two black people embracing on national television... something I rarely get to see, no matter what combination of partnership (maybe LOVE should be added to the list, too... and I'm not being sarcastic)

Anyway, I just wanted to acknowledge that I see this post, so that our previously scheduled chat doesn't just evaporate into space like it was never planned :o)

Actually. No :o). I am not happy about this. I'm sad about it. I was looking forward to it. I was excited about it. Had told the man about it. Was fucking near teary at the chance of adding another dimension to the connection.

But I acknowledge to you, and more importantly myself, that right now, in this moment, I am one of the pod people.

I respect your right to nurture and protect yourself from the insaneness you see in continuing to converse with those who don't come with an analysis of the (insert banned word here) that isn't steeped in fear, denial, and a silent alliance with a nation hell bent on domination of all peoples.

In peace & love (cuz they aint been banned yet ;o),

LP

LP,
Thanks for the word suggestion. I thought about your grandmothers and about THE grandmothers...our foremothers. I thought about what it means for me when I say I revere the ancestors. I am thankful for them having struggled, in their own context, in their own times, in their own ways, to further causes related to us Black peoples being seen and treated as fully human. I revere the demands they made and the stands they took. I remember, as always.
sigh...
I understand why elders would be, given the time they come out of, very excited about even VOting, let alone seeing an African in the big house as boss not butler or cook.
I understand.
These times are evil times. These are manipulative times. These are dangerous times. These are times when those in power, those who have educated themselves about every single freedom struggle that has ever happened, who have again and again promised themselves to do better, develop their agendas based on how well they can utilize that information to continue to maintain their power and privilege.

They understand how stupidpodpeople happy the vast majority of Black folks would be about simply seeing a Black person in the oval office. That was an impossible dream come true for many who just wanted to feel more legitimately a part of the settler state that insisted on regulating the descendants of slaves to the lowest rungs of the hiearchical settler/occupier order.
We are low level settlers. We were low level settlers...they would have us think, until a Black man was allowed "in".

Where we threatened to contribute to the eventual overthrow of things as they were, now we collectively, happily buy in...because a Black man in the whitehouse was obviously constructed as of massive importance to us all.

Now that we're collectively engaged, of course all will be well. The elders, born in different times, no tvs, no spin doctors, internet, are all happy. And you're saying that because they're happy we should suspend disbelief?

sigh...
I haven't had a conversation with Ophelia, Papster's mama about obamarama. She knows what I think. Born seven decades ago, I'm fairly clear about what she thinks of all this. I'm sure she couldn't help but smile. I'm sure my mama wherever she is smiled and was happy. I'm sure my grandmother smiled and was happy.

I did not bother to rain on any of their parades. I did not attempt to share what I understood. I did not invite any of these elders out of their contextualized positive response.

I just don't feel I neeed to share it. Idid not share the tingle at watching obamarama stand at the podium because I know his dreamy change oriented speeches were written by literary mercernaries available to the highest dollar, and given that he made the most money for his campaign, obamarama's was definitely the highest dollar. Thank you israel and various corporate interests for the wonderful speech writers. :)

LP, I'm definitely still open to chatting real time. But given the fact that any time I speak too close to home about Blackness, sexuality, femaleness, perversion...I'm still trying to understand what you believe you will be able to get out of an interaction with me.

We won't ever be two Black wimmin giggling and talking about hair braiding, our mongamously contracted men folk and our families. I just don't roll like that. Wimmin who understand that as profound connection are people I don't connect with. I give them what they want. I smile courteously and lie to them as I witness them lying to themselves about the kind of scope a converstion would need to have in order to actually forge a deep and abiding bond.

What kind of bond are you after, LP?


GoddessGlory has left a new comment on your post "You read my blog for four hours? :) ...":

Do you have Skype Mama? If so I am goddess.glory.

Glory!
I'm all about skype. Papi and I are going to be getting it so I can talk voice to voice with the friends I've been making on the dating site. All this to say: I don't have it yet, but soon. :)


thepoetryman has left a new comment on your post "Anna, I'm so, so sorry...":

Wow! DD, The weight you lift from me every time I read your posts must certainly be minuscule compared to the weight your words of rebellion lift from yourself.

I think you are an incredible person, but then I have thought that for some time now. It is always nice, however, to be surprised by your words and, by proxy, reassured of your audacity!

Peace,
Mark


and then...

thepoetryman has left a new comment on your post "If you want to remain in contact with me, these ar...":
You may have to repeat a few of the words you are banning. I used to be able to memorize full scripts for the theatre, but my memory has, as of late, been eroding from all the constant noise in my head...

I have always been one to find an alternate path, the one less traveled is the one I prefer, but I am finding myself with fewer and fewer options in my aging. I sense that you are rather frustrated of the feckless words that people tend to use to feel something that truly isn't reflected by the catch phrase or code word that is uttered. I certainly think "love" should be added to the list, but, as with all of your words, they should be allowed some breathing room. I find that when I speak to someone, someone that doesn't have their head shoved up their tight ass, or who isn't drinking the corporate kkkool-Aid or isn't pretending that the world is made of pretty little flowers and Play Dough, that when they use any of those words that they do not elicit a feeling from me that brings visions of homicide.

When I do find such people and I attempt to carry on a conversation and they toss around the code language without actually knowing that they are asleep in the world I just walk away or return their inanity with a comment not unlike the one you offered with this post in reply to Anna Kiss.

all with a caveat... I find it easier and certainly less painful, less miserable to reply in kind, or even to spank their ass with verbiage, so to speak, than I do attempting to ban words which I cannot claim as my own.

Peace.
Thanks for offering "love" as a word to add to my list, Mark.
I think it is often utilized as a euphemism for touchy feely denial and constructed positive feeling based in ignorance of the issues. :)

I think I just avoided people for a few weeks in real time. My interactions on the dating site went through the roof, though. I remembered how I felt in the years and months immediately after 9/11. I understood that I would be needing people, more people in alliance and in family. I tried starting an intentional community. That didn't work at all. Most days since we moved out on our own I have lived with anxiety. I think that the economic crash and obamarama's rise signalling the depth of denial people were/are willing to live under, sent my anxiety right through the roof. I went into networking overdrive and have not moved from that place. I seek in earnest every day now. sigh...it will not be enough for me and my family to exist in some sort of nuclear, monogamous incarnation. We won't survive. Our children will not have a quality of life. So, as you may have noticed, I've become even more audacious about the kinds of interactions and engagements I am inviting. I can't put any faith in him, Mark. I can only put faith in the connections I forge with the people I've met. I can only hope to build extended family even with people who I might have considered perfect strangers before all the shite started hitting the fan. Building community is exactly what I'm going to do. So watch out cuz silly flirtation and hot cheeks aside, I really am about making real time friends with you.



thepoetryman has left a new comment on your post "Oh, look out, one of them is gonna try to talk to ...":

You know, dearest dark daughta, you are not alone in your thinking. I choose to participate because the alternatives for me seem to be much of the same, only shaded through some different form or slight nuance or packaged more prettily or wrapped in ugliness or made to feel more palpable or seemingly more powerful than the others. I see some anarchists out there that tend to distance themselves so far from the status quo that they have not one single effect on it, save for their own selfish prattle about the establishment while doing nothing to change it other than taking a verbal stand on issues that they themselves are in no position to affect, either locally or worldly, or even spiritually, because they are too busy distancing themselves from any real and lasting contact with what seems to them to be dragging them backward... The reality, in many cases of those that I have seen and interacted with, is that they are merely a more (or often less) energetic form of those that they blame for the world's woes.

I do not know what is the correct path to follow, save for the one I have chosen, and I do not pretend to think my path is any better than Joe Blow or Sally Sell, or Tom, Dick or Mary, all I can say is that I have traveled on many sides of the aisle and found that I am no more near to enlightenment than anyone else.

I know that I have learned from all of them and will continue to forge my path while listening to each and every one that is willing to speak. Call me a glutton for punishment if you will but I cannot approach my path any other way but head on and with open arms and with the intent of relative peace as a destination. The alternative is too heavy and feels worthless upon my back.

Peace...
Mark,
I understand. I don't have any answers. I only have lots of questions and the admonition that people watch and pay close attention to what is said, done, offered, promised, modeled, demonstrated. I don't have answers. Mostly, I have anxiety.



CJ has left a new comment on your post "If you want to remain in contact with me, these ar...":

Coming in loud and fucking clear, T.J. As always.

I am happy that the people got what they wanted, even if in the end (as I think we both know) that the promises they so desperately want to be honored cannot possibly be honored.

This is more of the same with a tan. Absolutely. That's why I didn't vote for him.

I don't ignore or dismiss the happiness I see around me, though. I can't. I am happy for those who are happy, however misguided their happiness may be. I know that disappoints you and maddens you. It actually disappoints and maddens me. But that is honestly how I feel.

Peace at any price, *expletive deleted* at any price, I guess.

The only things I really gave a fuck about were the props in Cali this time around. We defeated 4. We lost to 8. It's been a rough day.

I thought about not voting...I truly believed the whole fucking thing was rigged and that Obama, flawed and a pawn though he may be, could never win. I thought what does it matter, it's all a show, why bother?

But I couldn't sit by and watch 8 and 4 pass without having my say. And then...

Then he won. I realize he is another side of the same insane coin. But HE IS THE PERSON THE PEOPLE WANTED TO ELECT, and the fact that they were able to elect him, that the election was not stolen from them is very important to me.

The election is a big fat mess and lie, no matter who is 'chosen'...the only people available to 'choose' from are wholly aligned with the status quo. The have to be, otherwise they'd never be an option!

The old quote says it best -

"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal."

I think anna kiss may be a veteran of a site we both frequent...and if so, I am sorry on her behalf. She had no right at all to come in here with guns blazing, and majorly overstepped her bounds. I am so sorry, T.J. You have enough to deal with, a universe of hell that does not need to be added to.

As a white mama, raised a racist and living in a racist and classist and horrible country, founded upon bloodshed and theft and bigotry, I apologize.

I apologize for the glassy-eyed-ness, on my part as well. We are all so desperate. We are all so confused. We are all so fucking fucked up. I think most of us know that.

Fuck. This really is a complete disaster, isn't it?

I admit it...I screamed with joy when I heard state after state go to Obama. I screamed with joy that the PEOPLE were electing this president, and not the right wing. I can't stand Obama, and I mean that. I don't agree with him on a single fucking thing. I do not think he will bring about any real change.

I mean, how can he? He is aligned, intimately and completely, with the very forces he professes to be in opposition to. He has no other choice but to be. He has pandered, catered, capitulated, and given whatever integrity he may have ever had over to the rich, white, hetero and powerful so that he could have a slice.

Change my ass. It's all a lie.

I feel completely stupid for getting sucked in, as of right this minute. I mean there was a REASON I voted for myself. It was symbolic. It was a symbolic gesture to the 'government' that I, at least, was somewhat awake, that I saw what was and wasn't going on, and that I wasn't playing the game.

And that went right. fucking. out. the. door. when Obama won. I got completely caught up in the circus. I tuned in and dropped out.

It was like a massive drug overdose. It *is* like a massive drug overdose.

*Expletive deleted* my ass. My fucking ass.

Thank you, once more and always, for speaking clearly, honestly, openly, thoughtfully, with an absolutely ferocious and unrepentant sense of who you are.

Fuck America. Fuck whitey (myself included). Fuck all of us masturbating, line-sniffing, brain melting fools. We have been duped AGAIN.

Will we ever break the spell?

I love you, T.J. I'm here, in all of my screwy, strange, unhealthy American gore. I'm not much use to you or anyone.

But I am still here, and I am fighting to keep my eyelids OPEN.

Love, sanity, purpose, perspective.

CJ.

CJ,
You know you complete rawk, right? I know you were/are torn with multiple reactions and perspectives. I appreciate that. I think that one of the things that stands out for me in what you said was about the renewed faith people had in the electoral process this time 'round. :) That's the point of this particular charade. Getting people to buy back in. If enough of you had remained alienated, they would have had a civil war on their hands. Now, even though the economy is completely bottoming out, they have a public that has once more been rendered fairly docile. As long as you see the eager beaver president elect scurrying around garnering keener points for getting to work before he's even on the payroll, civil war will be averted. They are so good. Sometimes I think about just giving up poking holes in what they do and just sending them my resume. I figure, since I can perfectly see every move they make, they might want to hire a spin doctor agenda hacker chick like me to help them tighten their shite up. :) Could you see me in a condi-esque skirt suit as a strategic planner/white house aide? yoo-HOOOO! Is anyone on obamarama's staff listening?
giggles...of the damned. But hugs, too. Let me know when you're up for another chat. I promise I won't spend the whole time writing about the men I want to fuck. :)


thepoetryman has left a new comment on your post "No matter how hard middle classing members have tr...":

I think it is a grand idea and should become a reality... I do not know Papi, haven't spoken on line to him, but what I have gathered from your writings and the pictures I have been privileged to see, I believe it to be a choice that stems from two solid minds and good people.

I would love to attend, virtually speaking, that is. :>)

Oh Mark,
Papster and I won't be having a wedding ceremony...unless we both meet people who are compatible with both of us. Then I'd propose a group marriage and I would invite everybody and expect them to attend...fer real.


betmo has left a new comment on your post "Fucking blank eyed settlers...this is not y/our FU...":

are you going to be ok?

being one of the 'pod people' because i go along with society at large- i don't know how you intend to get through the next few months. i know you are railing against the system- and there are those of us who are working hard at changing things also- but you cannot change it overnight. it took milennia to make things this bad- and human beings may not survive long enough to effect meaningful change. it doesn't mean that we aren't giving it a go.

i haven't been commenting lately because i don't know precisely what to say. i have always tried to be honest and forthright- and it is tough to gauge exactly where folks are at through the words on a computer screen. buddhists say that you need to be in a place of understanding in order to effect change- and i hope that you understand that the 'pod people' don't have the understanding of what it is that they should be doing- at this point, they know that they need to do something. this is a first step for them. changing a white male dominated world quickly just isn't going to happen overnight. i understand the need and the frustration- i feel it too- but one person isn't going to take on 6 billion people and win.

all you can do- is just be. be who you are and what you are and that's that. you can only change yourself and be the change you seek. and i am not angry- just tired. :)
betmo,
I'm not going to be okay. But I am learning how to network across surface differences more effectively. I am reaching out learning/seeking/socializing energetic tentacles in every single possible direction I can in the hopes that this will be enough to build alliances for my family with others. I worry that I may even be slightly turning my own ass out in the process...s'aright. That's been fun. :) But seriously, I am in a state of profound anxiety. I am living there these days. I am taking steps to deal with it.


CJ has left a new comment on your post "Yes, I understand that invitations to line up with...":

T.J. -

I don't have to obey. And I refuse to obey...

Thanks for the reminder. :)

Much love,

CJ.

CJ,
You're very welcome.


CJ has left a new comment on your post "I woke up this morning and felt better...":

T.J. -

Wishing you much artful sanity in the days to come. :)

Love always,

CJ.


Thanks, CJ.

thepoetryman has left a new comment on your post "ohhhhhBAAAAAMMMaaaaaaaa...he's already eaten their...":
Ha! I voted for Barack and I must say I feel a bit zombified! It has nothing to do with my vote, it does, however, have much to do with the idea that the moment is lost on those that would use the historical time to at the least capture some good from it. Kind of makes one feel "dead". I mean there are those that burn predominantly African American churches to "celebrate" the moment while others simply fart... And yet others begin to disintegrate into blathering wind-bags of hypocritical praise of an historical moment for political gain after having, the prior week, burned a cross in their yard! Others simply have no dream of hope, they do not yearn for something to spring from the butterfly effect that moves over the globe (in the unlikely event that things do begin to change no matter how slight).

I hope I am right about the possibilities of a Barack Obama presidency...I mean the alternative is just too goddamned bleak to fathom.

The hope for change; one small step for many, one giant leap for hordes of others...

Mark,
You're right about the possibility being too bleak to fathom. Yet, fathom it I must because no one actually knows his true mandate. I understand that whatever it is, it has very little to do with offering succor to every day people or even to the amerikkkan middle class.


thepoetryman has left a new comment on your post "It's really fucked up my dating possibilities...":
I suppose it could be much worse... They could want to talk about George W. Bush.
Oh never fear!
I've been invited via facebook to a bye bye georgie party and I'm like: georgie ain't goin' noWHERE. He had his turn as figure head. Now his peeps will continue to move things behind the scenes. If this were really a regime change he would be in handcuffs on his way to being prosecuted. Instead his family and the families allied with them will be laughing all the way to the bank.


Loving Pecola has left a new comment on your post "I asked this question a while back but Cornel is m...":

Yes, you have, and so have people on the street. And I've had a very similar conversation with the man, my mama and my daddy in the last two weeks at different times. I really don't think people are completely clueless about the fact he isn't going to be able to "fix" this country and that he's still a politician and that we all, him and his wife included, have motives for whatever we do, whether they be financial or otherwise. I find it possible to be hopeful and critical at the same time. I'm glad people are talking publicly. Hopefully it's the first of many discussions. At home they're now dealing with the banning of affirmative action which is one of those things that quietly passed through during the hoopla of last week.

LP,
And I maintain that hope without an openly expressed, fully explored critique is really nothing but denial under another name. And the irony of affirmative action being banned. giggles. Mass outcry anywhere? I don't seem to remember anything mentioned in the news. He certainly diddn't mention it in any of his speeches, though I'm sure that the banning will soothe those who freaked out over a darkie in the whitehouse. 'Sides the God King's victorious existence now proves for everyone to see, how unnecessary affirmative action really is, no?

thepoetryman has left a new comment on your post "You do realize that by defending him or any single...":
Damn, my dearest dark sistah! You should continue with these ideas, I mean push them out with all of your might! Flesh them out for all to hear! Your ideas are very noble and deserve to be heard...

They have been heard before and they will continue to be heard by future generations. Many have died espousing the very same ideals, they did not die in vain. They did not die in vain. They did not die in vain. What's the adage? Repeat the truth often enough and it becomes reality...?

Some would say you're too idealistic, but I say you are speaking what should have already, long ago, centuries ago, been the planet's reality.

You did say, however, that there are now over 6 billion people on the planet, so the odds of everyone hearing it or seeing the "butterfly effect" of your particular plea is not very high even with the advent of the internet, but given time, years and years, they may well get wind of it. I mean I hear you, so that is a start, right? Perhaps we're going to need bigger ears and bigger butterflies...?

Peace...

Poetry Man...
Dude :) I said that there are over 6 billion people on the planet and that this fact in and of itself means that governmental systems that evolved when our numbers were far fewer canNOT possibly even remotely represent the needs of this ever increasing planetary population. I'm not worried about everyone hearing what I think. I'm concerned about not having planetary governments that more adequately represent the layered needs of human beings as a planetary collective.


thepoetryman has left a new comment on your post "I wonder if she paid him and his "new beginning" a...":
DD,
You should understand that some of my best writing is done without any defined purpose.

It is done spontaneously.

Sometimes it works out better than I could have ever imagined.

I'm breathless and often speechless after a long round with my muse throwing my fingers to the wind...if she ever said "it's not worth it"... I'd die. Literally.

Sometimes things come to me, to us, to the world, and we need grab them in our moment. You, I am quite sure, know what I mean...

Your writing is heavy on experience like mine, it is laden with your truth. It just comes out like multiple orgasms spewing from the tip of the pen (keyboard). It doesn't wait for our minds to come around to its meaning it sprints and pants ahead like a rabid stampede. Sometimes life's motions, events come in much the same way, right? We as a people, as humanity just grab what we can as it screeches by...

I am glad I had the wherewithal to have grabbed a hold of a part of you as you sped by into your next phase of development...
Mark,
I fully understand the creative process you describe. When I let the voices drive my fingers there's always a difference in quality, creativity, urgency to what I write. Usually when I'm done being ridden by the voices I am in love with whatever they gave me. Papi sees me sitting there reading and re-reading, tweaking and smiling, muttering under my breath. The experience is completely orgiastic. I live for it. I understand that we can't possibly control or define what will come of our words, ideas, ejaculations, vomitations once we let them loose into the world. I do think that there is still something about you and your process that screams KINDRED to me. I am not disturbed by this. And I, too was glad to have encountered you at a particular point. You stirred something in me that I had been content to let remain dormant, submerged. It's here now with me eyes wide open. I am glad to have made your acquaintance, as well.

thepoetryman has left a new comment on your post "KKKanucks are really fascinated with amerikkkan po...":
Dearest Dark Daughta,
You have been an inspiration to me and a lightening rod. Your words do not meander, they strike at the head, the heart, the soul, the truth.

This night is a defining moment, or should I say that this night we must assure is a defining moment in US history and that its light settles around the globe in a way that brings about real and significant change in the US and abroad. We must begin by changing ourselves, our foreign policy, our regard for other countries, peoples, races, colors, creeds, genders, identities, sexual nature, choices and we must begin to take this opportunity, and if it isn't a real chance then we must make it one!

I am so glad to have had the chance to speak to you and work with you in the endeavors of peace, acceptance and truth.

Peace and love my dearest dark sista,
Mark
thepoetryman has left a new comment on your post "My name is darkdaughta...I am broadcasting on all ...":
You are not alone, DD. You may feel alone, or interpret others writings as testament that you are alone in your thinking, but you most certainly are not. (I'm not going anywhere.)

I understand that Mark.
But, since you've already pointed out that I'm a devil's advocate...
And since you most certainly have not gone away completely, are you willing to come any closer? giggles...no, actually I'm not giggling. I'm dead serious, Kindred. Are you good hovering around my periphery? Does it satisfy?

Boldly Audacious Beauty aka Kindred,
signing off. :)


gwytherinn has left a new comment on your post "My name is darkdaughta...I am broadcasting on all ...":
"I've watched more than a few potential allies jump out of windows right in front of me."

I've been feeling something akin to this "watching people jump out windows" as I read my blogroll. People who I would generally expect to be critiquing events are joining in with the chorus, leaving me blinking and giving a great big "huh?"
gwytherinn,
Have your peeps calmed down and put their thinking caps back on, yet?


CJ has left a new comment on your post "My name is darkdaughta...I am broadcasting on all ...":

T.J. -

I'M STILL HERE, and I'm not munching anyone's brains. Promise.

No window jumping. I'M HERE! :)

Love,

CJ.

Thanks CJ,
Even when we haven't chatted recently, just seeing you pop up in my yahoo sidebar makes me happy. :)

CJ has left a new comment on your post "I asked this question a while back but Cornel is m...":
T.J.

It's always more credible when someone with power and clout and a penis says it, eh?

I give credit where credit's due...and it's due you. :)

Love,

CJ.

Isn't that so true?
Which is part of my difficulty with obamarama. People still bow to the power of the penis. My people still bow to the power of the penis. giggles...this bit of wisdom from a lover and dedicated fucker of the penis. :)


CJ has left a new comment on your post "You do realize that by defending him or any single...":

T.J. -

I've been saying the same shit for years, too...everyone thinks it's 'unrealistic' and 'naive' and, of course, good ole' 'unrealistic'.

Just another way of dozing off to sleep the sleep of the walking dead...all too married to our ways of being to even consider alternatives.

Things may be bad, but at least they're familiar!

Much love,


CJ.

I think that this is one of the collective failings of humanity at this juncture in our existence. We're too fucking obsessed with the "easy" paths offered via things that we construct as familiar. We're a fucking lazy species who refuse to collectively grow up and out of hiearchical systems of population organization. Pa...thetic.



CJ has left a new comment on your post "I wonder if she paid him and his "new beginning" a...":

T.J. -

Seriously, what poetryman just said. :)

You are a deeply subversive, deeply powerful, deeply purposeful force of nature, of yourself, for yourself and your children.

And you are not alone!!!

Much love,

CJ.
Oh thanks, CJ. I'm breathing more easily, these days. :)

CJ has left a new comment on your post "Where are You...most of the people you know...wher...":

T.J. -

I think the graph can prove useful in a general sense. I'm all over the map, too...and everywhere off-site, as well. :)

The US is so far below the baseline of this that it's truly, staggeringly, punch-drunk stupidly terrifying.

Love,

CJ.

CJ,
What you said about the US, my point exactly. It is clearly terrifying for amerikkkans, which is what makes them manipulable. Staring into the face of utter chaos, complete destruction will make people do stupid things. I'm not clear yet what your population will be forced to do collectively, this time 'round. I'm just making my moves and continuing to network.

sokari has left a new comment on your post "You do realize that by defending him or any single...":

DD once again you are one of the few voices of sense - "Walking dead" indeed. This has been such a depressing period to discover that even those you thought could see beyond the mania and hype of both the candidate and the system, have now joined the programme of the dead.
Sokari,
Your words were much appreciated. Thanks.


Oh, yeah!
I just have one thing to say about the hope, change and new administration. To the people of amerikkka, from the lips of a long dead Black girl who, like obamarama, was also overhyped in her day...just pay attention to the chorus. :)










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