Tuesday, April 07, 2009

It's been a while...

These are my first attempts at posting after having decided to blog solo, alone, for no one else, sans readers...just for me. It's been a learning experience. Clearly there was some part of me that wanted to blog to be seen...wanted to blog to be read...was accustomed to blogging to be read. This part of me became blocked and would not write when I decided to not blog out in the open. I've had withdrawal symptoms for weeks now. I literally have not known what to do with myself. Conversations with actual flesh people have been a massive bust. So much denial, excuses, voids in communication, avoidance, dull, boring, vapid conversation. Conversations with actual flesh people have driven me mad, sent me back to my couch, to my bed, eyes tight shut, time and time again. I really can't stand talking to people. I prefer not to talk to people. It's so frustrating and disappointing in so many different ways. It doesn't serve me. It pains me. It reminds me of how much I truly hate being in community with other human beings who do not think, who do not learn, who do not grow, who do not change, who fear change and growth. I hate it.





It's been a while...

These are my first attempts at posting after having decided to blog solo, alone, for no one else, sans readers...just for me. It's been a learning experience. Clearly there was some part of me that wanted to blog to be seen...wanted to blog to be read...was accustomed to blogging to be read. This part of me became blocked and would not write when I decided to not blog out in the open. I've had withdrawal symptoms for weeks now. I literally have not known what to do with myself. Conversations with actual flesh people have been a massive bust. So much denial, excuses, voids in communication, avoidance, dull, boring, vapid conversation. Conversations with actual flesh people have driven me mad, sent me back to my couch, to my bed, eyes tight shut, time and time again. I really can't stand talking to people. I prefer not to talk to people. It's so frustrating and disappointing in so many different ways. It doesn't serve me. It pains me. It reminds me of how much I truly hate being in community with other human beings who do not think, who do not learn, who do not grow, who do not change, who fear change and growth. I hate it.





At just over 40 I have to wonder...

Is this it? That awareness...that sense of being capable of more, being worth more, being destined for more while being haunted by consciousness of the fact that more will not be offered, allowed, accepted, considered acceptable?

Is this it?

Is this life?

Is this why they died younger in the old days? Is this why people died younger in the old days? Was it some sort of internal alarm clock that ended existence before living became just plain pointless and stupid?

Is this it?





I am...

dis⋅con⋅so⋅late

[dis-kon-suh-lit]
–adjective
1. without consolation or solace; hopelessly unhappy; inconsolable: Loss of her pet dog made her disconsolate.
2. characterized by or causing dejection; cheerless; gloomy: disconsolate prospects.

Origin:
1325–75; ME < class="ital-inline">disconsōlātus, equiv. to L dis- dis- 1 + consōlātus consoled, ptp. of consōlārī to console; see -ate 1


dis⋅con⋅so⋅late⋅ly, adverb
dis⋅con⋅so⋅la⋅tion [dis-kon-suh-ley-shuhn] , dis⋅con⋅so⋅late⋅ness, noun


1. heartbroken, dejected. 1, 2. sad, melancholy, sorrowful, miserable. See desolate.