Monday, November 30, 2009

New Relationship Energy...

New relationship energy (often abbreviated as NRE) is a neologism used within polyamorous communities referring to a state of mind experienced at the beginning of most significant sexual and romantic relationships, typically involving heightened emotional and sexual receptivity and excitement. It is described as beginning with the earliest attractions, growing into full force when mutuality is established, and slowly fading over months to years. It carries an explicit implication of contrast with the feelings involved with "old" or ongoing relationships.[1][unreliable source?]

more...







I went to an event on Saturday Night...

Papi moderated a tiny step in the right direction orchestrated by some folks in Black caribbean community.

"Monogamy, is it still relevant" heh. Rhetorical question, jackasses. :)

Maybe a better title would have been "Monogamy, why is it imposed?" or "Monogamy, why are wimmin's genitals still owned?" or "Monogamy, why do the descendants of stolen Africans cling to an outmoded relationship model forced on them by their captors?" or "Monogamy, why is one relationship model so centralized in the title of a discussion that is supposed to be about Black folks exploring options?", or, or, or...

Papi and I carefully planned out what we would do, how we would represent beforehand. Of course we invited bug/simian boy to come be there so we would be three. Seven year old was out of town with a good friend of the family. But toddler boy arrived and stayed with papi.

There was a christian minister on the panel who kept talking about depravity, wimmin as institutions made by gawd from the body of man. I appreciated the way Papi kept taking the microphone away from him and basically redirecting him back to the topic at hand every time his mouth would start to work up a rabid, zealous lather. :)

I snuggled with bug/simian boy for the whole discussion and did not plan on saying anything. But a few times the conversation got off track and was headed into the land of STOOpid. One time was a young woman, sweet child, she said she discovered her father was "polygamous" when it came to light that he had been sleeping with another woman and she had a sibling she had never met.

sigh...
I told a story about coming out to my (mostly absentee) mother as poly to which she replied that I was promiscuous like my father. I said no. He had affairs. I have open honest loving conversations with my lovers and partners. We do activities together and communicate about our plans, needs and desires.

I said to the girl/woman who was clearly struggling with loads of pain and betrayal, that her father wasn't polygamous, he cheated.

I said that having affairs is very different from polygamy, is very different from polyamory.

Another time I spoke was to contextualize a lot of stuff the christians in the audience were speaking about as if it was fact. I spoke about them making assumptions about what rules we are governed by, about what beliefs we share in common, about the veracity of their mythological book. I said that just because our parents and grandparents believed in the monotheistic desert gawd, did not mean that we had to, as well. I said that I'm caribbean, but I don't hold to any of their beliefs and that they might want to stop assuming that everyone in the audience is following the same rule book.

The last time (I had to because Papi couldn't actually put his opinion in the room as moderator and bug/simian boy doesn't have the same comfort level with words as either of us does) was when the dyam minister was talking about children in families that aren't monogamously married living in broken homes.

heh.

I said that his comments showed a distinct lack of creativity and imagination. I said that I have a partner (good enough for this purpose) and a lover. I said that I also have two children and indicated that one of them was actually there with Papi, sitting not very far away from the minister, in his stroller playing choo-choo while we all had conversation. I said that my children are well educated, learning about their bodies and their feelings, learning about the middle passage, safe and well cared for. I said that his thinking was binary and that I actually was actively, creatively and intentionally creating a home and a family for my children that was not broken. It was just not like anything the pastor could have ever envisioned.

unh...he had nothing to say. giggles :)

There were two Black gay men on the panel. I've seen so many Black gay men working in community, working to save the lives of people who hate them, fear them and would kill them if given half a chance.

Pain.

I remember being a younger dyke and being given severe attitude by the Black queers I knew whose caregiver wanna be seen as useful and therefore good and allowed to huddle at the foot of tables where relatives and community sit and eat and take up way too much space stuff perpetually positioned them as at the beck and call of people who did not care about who they were as queer caribbean folks...
where these dark queers craved coming home, being allowed to stay home, being recognized as an integral part of home, so much, needed to walk and live and draw breath and be embraced by those they understood as their people, so much...
that they would repeatedly risk being harmed in order to be near, to be loved and appreciated.
The queers I knew gave me massive attitude for not wanting to come do AIDS education close to home, for not wanting to be in spaces where homophobia and lesbophobia and christian conservatism mingled to create environments where we literally could not fucking breathe, could not sing, could not flame, could not open our mouths and sing and rage and make necessary demands.
I refused. I would not attempt to save those who love to say stupid things like "I'm alright with what they do as long as they don't flaunt it or push it in my face"
Suck my fucking pussy, assholes. I'll shove your face in it. Slick your face with it and you'll see it, alright.
heh.
I didn't get along very well in Black community spaces. Even the Black gays and lesbians thought I was much too out of hand and needed to be reacquainted with "my place".

So we have parted ways. Me and the dark queers. And definitely me and the kewl downtowny children of bible thumping, sexually conservative shame filled diasporic Africans.

sigh...I leave those who are interested and so inclined to their masochistic caregiving.

When I saw the two Black gay men up on the stage, I thought they were brave. But I also understood from their words, that not much had changed in community in the almost ten years since I, tired of living on the ship of fools, jumped overboard and swam away.

One of the men came out and spoke about the closet and almost getting married before he realized who he was. I was touched and told him so afterwards, kissing his hand and letting him know that I saw what he had done. But I also felt so sad. Not much has moved for these people. My people? Coming out in a community space is still a big fucking deal. It still has the power to silence a room.

I'm glad I also came out and talked about having been all kinds of queer since my twenties. Stating who I am in spaces such as this is something I do with ease. I do not sweat. Actually, I sweat more when I don't come out. That takes a whole lot more work than speaking clearly to who I am.

Oh! And I'm in love. There was a woman there, on the panel. She owns the natural Black hair salon where the conversation took place. In fact, I'd have to say that given how well embedded she is in the community as someone who cares for the locks and naps of so many, as she is so clearly a daughta of the diaspora, the conversation happened under her aegis. It unfolded and survived because of her personal power made manifest.

You see, she is non-monogamous and openly so. She is an elder. She is in her sixties. She is an amazonian, confident, power resonating off of her like fire heat. Dark, clearly African features, none can naysay her right to speak clear and to take up space there. None would have dared. They need her. They need her salon. They need what she offers. She has power and privilege and uses it intelligently, bravely, with purpose.

When the panel was over she approached me. We looked at each other, arms immediately open and held each other for a long time murmuring words of mutual admiration and appreciation. I felt...I don't know...sad...like I wish I had known her ten years ago when I actually cared about what happened in these spaces...I felt...love...admiration..
.not so horribly alone...tears...not so horrified and abandoned...not so disgusted and alienated...kindred...more tears...

I'm remembering her talking about us as a peopling clinging to systems of value that are easily two thousand years old. She spoke about monogamy as being unnatural. About marriage where you swear to be faithful and to love one person for the rest of your life as just not making any sense since we change and grow. She had always been single and had no children and liked it that way. She talked about the dishonesty needed for a monogamous relationship to survive, about the many places where lies and half truths can flourish and about the possibility of people just being forthright with each other and clearly stating their needs.

Beauty.

I'm glad bug/simian boy and I came out to support Papi. I think that going to spaces like this offers bug/simian boy, who has been stridently non-monogamous but who isn't experienced with poly, spaces where he can see people having conversations and get a sense of what the issues are.

But I also realize that as a man who is biracial - afrocuban and finnish - coming into spaces of Blackness are a crucible of sorts for him. Spaces where Blackness can potentially be very narrowly defined, I'm realizing, can be stressful for him. I've pointed out in the past that, regardless of how I present physically, there are so many ways I don't belong in those spaces, either. I've explained that I am as much observant outsider, having not been raised in community, as he is...just for different reasons. Both having stress in the space for different reasons, we just decided to stick close to each other and snuggle. It worked well.

I was glad we came. But the conversation still felt stagnant. It felt stale. It felt old to me. I'm not there. I'm not interested in being stuck where most of the people in the audience and on the panel were stuck.

I've got things I need to figure out that don't have to do with shaking off christian conservatism, shame, sex negativity and homophobia. I'm trying to figure out how to make intentional poly community with men, thinking about fluid bonding, birth control, what it could be like waaay down the road to have a child with a lover who is not Papi, integrating a new lover, trying to figure out how best to deal with wimmin in a patriarchally oppressed world that pits us against each other for the love and attentions and resources of men.

Nothing about that panel helped me figure out the stuff I'm struggling with. I didn't expect it to. But there's only so much time and energy I'm willing to spend in spaces where people need to struggle, learn and grow, where our paths so radically diverge. It just doesn't serve me. And yes, I'm self serving. I have to think about my own needs, especially in spaces where uncritiqued privilege and power do not allow others to see that I need support, attention, care and that this can only happen if those who would ally with me are conscientized to a certain extent.

I told Papi that these are his people not mine. These are conservatives raised by "nice" parents struggling to stay together because that's just what you do. Their families are religious. They hide things and avoid dealing with issues. They value propriety and silence. They avoid discussions about fucking and sexual health. They have nice homes and participate in Black community functions.

They're Papi's people. And I'm glad, that as his brother said repeatedly years back, foaming at the mouth, trying to warn people about what I would do to Papi if I got my "claws" into him, that I have fully "ruined" Papi. :)

Although he is from these people and although he still smells right to them, his vision and consciousness are massively removed in some ways from where they stubbornly sit.

He is an ally. In that space, Papi, educated among privileged children, took up massive space that night. He took up space consciously as moderator with an agenda. :)

Privileged, male, middle class, educated and one of their own, he was able to take the space he was offered, that he could feel entitled to and shift it, work it, transform it so that a christian minister sat huddled, quiet, silenced. So that people in the audience who would take this kind of environment and poison it, poison conversation, poison possibility, poison our collective future with their stunted ways had such very little space to toxify and destroy possibility.

Sweet, Papi. You done good.

Now I have to track down the lovely, powerFULL proprietress of the salon. I...am not sure what I want to say to her...but I know I need to say something more than I could after the event was over. I was too overwhelmed in that moment. I wasn't grounded. I'm better now. I've had time to think.

I want to give her something. Part of it will most likely include this...


I wrote this as part of a visual art exhibition I did in 2000...

Wade in the water
Wade in the water, children
Wade in the water
[I’m] gon’ trouble the water
Mangled excerpt from an old spiritual

“An orifice, an opening through which I will ENTER. One of MANY such daughters. A Black and truly precious thang...”
(Excerpt from It Takes Ballz – Reflections Of A Black Femme Vixen In Tha Makin’, T.J. Bryan © 1999)

Bearing images of community and family, images of SELF, a renaissance, queer femme cums with her thoughts, her intensity, her knowledge, her words, her views.

Vulnerable yet powerFULL, this daughta of the Diaspora cums not to be tolerated or given permission by those with heterosexual and class privilege, but to take up the space that is her right by BIRTH.

Wrapped in her Blackness, the presence of ALL colours, an ebony dark beauty, your mirrored reflection cums laughing, marching, cussing, questioning, dancing.

Seas and lands you recognize flow rhythmic ‘round her hips even as she moves to her own beat.

An Ashanti Amazonian whose weapons of choice are images and words, I cum OUT in/to spaces of potential, yet, sadly unrealized resistance. Spaces of Diasporic African(ness) where same-sex lovin’ and sexin’ have always BEEN present.

Cumin’ OUT...
My face, my body defiantly visible queer injections...
A wombed rainbow ejaculating creativity and self-knowledge in/to shadowy places previously (mis)construed as hegemonically male, middle class and straight.

Cumin’ OUT...
Without compromise or shame, having traveled/immigrated/wandered too far to evah turn back...I still got many rivers to cross. Wanna take my hand and walk on water?

Cumin’ OUT demanding change...
I speak with the power of one bolstered by the sacrifice of many. My stance is not about courage or controversy. This is about necessity and survival.

Know this:
My allies are NOT my allies ‘less they can deal with ALL of who I am. ‘Less they can witness ALL of me and survive to tell the tale.

Fearlessly walking. A nomad. Clanless yet connected by histories with links stronger than the chains that bound middle passage ancestors but never their souls or their dreams.

Fearlessly facing retribution and attempted domination this Black conscious, pro sex HOO/chee is playful, in-your-face and resistant as she visually and verbally explores what it means to make love to other wimmin and through them to herself.

My work, my art, my revolutionary mode of expression is often deemed unpalatable or pornographic by those who choose NOT to include critiques of sexuality and sexual practice as part of a viable Black, African politic.

For me speaking of my OWN sexuality and incorporating it into my visual and written work IS political. It IS about the decolonization of my Black female body.

Remember...the colonizer took the fruits of Black wimmin’s labour. YES. But they also colonized our foremothers by attacking the very source of their most intimate pleasure. By raping, brutalizing, utilizing their genitals.

But, you say: We got free. They let us go.

As far as I can see, many Black wimmin, the descendants of these violated and disrespected slave wimmin are writhing in the grip of some serious erotophobia (scared of tha nasty). Struggling with an unwanted inheritance – the aftermath of our foremother’s historically used, bruised and damaged erotic. Struggling to reconnect with our sexualities. Struggling with ourselves and our desires. Struggling with our lovers. Struggling with artificial community standards applied to Black wimmin but never to Black men. Struggling to keep our heads above water. Struggling hard just so we can figure out what to do with the padlocks the massa put on our bizness.

This is especially true in a world where we are sexualized everyday. Where so many of us react to the lies told about us by distancing ourselves from the healing power of our erotic.

Very often in community Black wimmin’s disassociation from our sexual selves is not identified as a mark of our continued oppression or as something that needs to be named, examined and made whole. It is instead worn like a badge of pride, perceived as evidence of supreme consciousness and purity.

Caught up in the grip of masculinist, classist, sexually oppressive value systems that run like the threads of a malignant tapestry through the hearts of our Black communities, so many sistas leave it up to others, often men, to decide when, why, how, sometimes even IF we will be sexual or show evidence of any sexuality at all.
And so...
Black wimmin’s possession, the ownership of our flesh by others, the determination of the limits of our very psyches by others continues...

“If you are worried ‘bout where...I been or who I saw or...what club I went to with my homies...baby don’t worry, you know that you GOT me...”
The Roots with Erykah Badu

Poor ting.
Or should I be sayin’: F**k DAT!

I need to ask:
Does the brotha referred to in this song have this woman because she gives herself to him and only him of her own free will? Or has she been coerced? Cleaving to him monogamously, heterosexually because she fears the ramifications of possible alternatives? Fears the power of sexual agency in her life? Cuz she knows that men, who (rightly) view wild wimmin’s/queer wimmin’s connection to their own desires as a threat to continued male dominance, will seek to regain power (over her) by repudiating and undermining her strength? Should she be worried that they will try to shun her or call her out of her name by labeling her dangerous, evil, promiscuous, slut, phreak, hoo/chee, skettle, a bitch to be destroyed?

And what about her sistren?
If this woman sets out on her own path toward recovery/discovery, will patriarchally identified wimmin, sensing the implicit critique of their own stagnant sexualities and oppressed realities, withdraw their support, their love, their presence? Will they instead opt to ally themselves with the sources of male dominance in their lives by questioning her politic, her truth, her integrity, her sanity, her spirituality, her consciousness, her right to exist?

Baby, don’t worry. He knows that he’s got you.

Anywayz...
A sexually self-actualized woman who takes and gives pleasure without being owned is a revolutionary, a weapon. SHE is dangerous to the powers that be. Even as she cums loudly, proudly, screaming with orgiastic and orgasmic release she inherently rocks the roots of white/male/heterosexual/class domination and power.

This flesh is possessed by NO colonizer, by NO man...or woman.

This body, this ‘nani is MINE to envision, to draw, to describe, to give or to take b(l)ack. Not to be defined or commoditized by the rules and regs of well-mannered, middle-class (identified) Black community or by society at large.

My queer flesh struggles to be free of limited sexual identities. My Black spirit longs to be done with false consciousness and oppressive, white, western, conservative, nuclear family values. My woman-centric desires will eventually be let loose on Black community, for that matter, on the whole dyam world.

I fight to remain unconstrained by the discomfort of others. By those who have not done their work. By those who have not assimilated the full significance of the readings they claim to have done. By those who choose to not make the links. By those who make the conscious choice not to seek TRUE revolution in ALL its many forms.

This darkly, queer gyal wants NO part of any one dimensional, (a)political, urban, surface glitter, fifteen minutes of fame seeking, trendy, empty word playin’, (counter)revolution.

This daughta of the African Diaspora will continue to be a Black, queer, female, common-class force of devastating change in and of her/SELF.

What about you?

Wade in the water
Wade in the water, children
Wade in the water
[Let’s go] trouble the water.

excerpted from "Troublin’ Tha Waters - One Black Queer Woman’s Thoughts on Black Womanhood and Sexuality"
By T.J. Bryan © June 2000






Yup, shiny new relationship...stuff...

I'm so fucking distracted right now.

I'm drunk with it.

I'm overexcited.

I'm filled with joy.

I'm giddy.

I'm not really being super present online right now.

I'm living in real time.

I'm loving in real time.

I'm hardcore lusting in real time.

What I'm feeling and experiencing with bug/simian boy feels so unfamiliar. I was saying to seminalson that I don't think I remember ever feeling this way. I don't ever remember being with someone who I didn't have to persuade to see me, to feel for me, to love me. I've never been with someone who seems to be as much of a giver as I am if not more.

So much affection, hugs, stroking, butterfly kisses, pecks on the cheeks, playing in each other's hair, hand holding, tickling...affection in overdrive...tenderness.

We've had some truly amazing times with each other and it has only been just under three months since we finally agreed to be with each other.

I trust him. He trusts me.

I love him. He loves me.

I am his. He is mine.

Nothing exclusive or monogamous or closed about any of what we feel. Just intensity, passion, presence, vulnerability, intentionality. So much conversation and sharing, too.

This past weekend...absolute beauty. We played together as always. I haven't had this much sex with the same person in years. I'm still trying to realize that there is no need to feel any sense of urgency. He isn't leaving. I'm not leaving.

Naked, we touched and kissed and cavorted and shared.

He gave me something. He offered me something, a treasure, a gift, a wonder.

Face down, slicked, open, trusting, moaning, crying out, asking me to wait, just wait a sec...let him acclimatize to the sensation, the fullness, the shift in role top to bottom. Just...let...him...process
the sensations.

And then...

When I heard the change in his moans...

When I sense the change in his limbs, tense to relaxed...

When I instinctively knew he was okay, that he would be okay...

Beginning to ever so gently...

Move inside him...

Whispering endearments...

"beauty, sweet, sweet beauty...you're so beautiful"

showering his sweat dampened back with kisses...

Loving him...

Loving him all the more for risking as I always risk...

For opening as I always open...

For moaning and crying out as I always moan and cry...

And ask for more...

I think it was his second time. The first, also with a woman, sounded brutal, merciless, uncaring, as if he was meant to experience stiff, erect, phallic trauma, violence. As if he was supposed to cry and writhe and hurt because maybe this is what she had experienced at the hands of men...impaled, stabbed to her core.

This was his second time and I tried to make it gentle and loving. I tried to let him know how much I appreciated him and what he was doing. I don't think I was worried about making it hot. Instead I tried to make it humane. I tried to make it sweet.

My cock was smaller than the one he showed me that had been used on him before.

Mine was smaller and blue. Not a big inflexible hard thick black dick. Not an iconic theoretical dominance/submission resistance, decolonizing dick wielded by an angry little girl/woman.

No. My dick was just a little curved blue flexible phallic facsimile made to bend and give slightly, conforming to the curves of a well lubed rectum. Meant to do as little damage as possible administering instead maximum pleasure.

But still...

I don't think he enjoyed the whole thing. In fact, he didn't even seem particular impressed when I, the one with the experience of having been penetrated in all easily penetrated orifices, began to penetrate him. :)

I tried to be wise.

I tried go easy.

I started with him on his back legs up high, my heavily lubed gloved fingers, real...real...real slow entering, exploring.

I remembered that my first anal sex was with a woman lover. She used a fair sized dildo on me. It was excruciating. But I survived to open another day. :) In that moment, though, the moment when she took me and opened me, it felt like fire. Too much...sensation...pain.

I wanted to spare him any more of that kind of fucking. Truly, I did. But I think he got bored and wasn't very turned on. Eventually he seemed to want to stop and not try at all.

Then I got annoyed with him and his lack of patience and ordered him to turn over face down, ass presented to me.

I lubed the smaller of my two dils, then lubed his hairy ass and began to carefully, gently, inexorably work my way into him. He squirmed, I think not sure whether he wanted to keep going or stop.

I wouldn't stop.

He has a safe word. He's also stronger than I am and is more than capable of either pulling away or of letting me know if/when he's done.

In that moment he did nothing to disturb what was unfolding. He stayed put.

So I, trying to hold fast to the bravery of a Top, quite the feat since I'm a Bottom and much prefer him to do awful things to me, to take full responsibility for the doing of awfully fun things to me :) , held fast and just kept working my way in, thrusting, back...and forth...back...and forth...in...and out...in...and out...

While he moved his hips, grinding himself back onto my cock until...

I was in. :) Then he did reconsider it seemed. :) giggles. His body tensed and his haunches tightened as if he would pull away and end it. But I, knowing that moment, that watershed, crisis point, knew what to do.

I praised him and kissed his back and caressed him and cajoled him and asked him to just...wait...

He did...wait and eventually we continued, me behind and on top expecting entry...repeatedly gently, intuitively opening him. and bug/simian under me and in front on his arms and knees softly moaning, bravely inviting me in...

I don't think he fully enjoyed it, though. The sensation is pretty extreme, even for someone like me who really likes anal a lot. His beautiful hard delicious cock is much, much, much bigger than mine. Some might find receiving him anally a challenge. But for me it's a treat. And I'm so very dedicated when it comes to being penetrated. :)

Now I've realized that so is he. :)

He mentioned something, I think it was afterward...or was it before (?) about being beyond fingers. He's been fucking himself with fingers and letting others fuck him with fingers for a while now, it seems. He's been coquettishly offering his ass up to me for as long as we've been playing. So I knew that eventually he would want to not just be "he who penetrates" but also "he who is penetrated".

I really appreciate him being queer'd enough that the idea of opening to me wasn't terrifying or theoretical or something he'd just do with another man.

Later, when we were both in the bathroom, me on the toilet, him washing at the sink, something clicked for him and he referenced the times where I had asked him to wait...just wait...he said he understood why, now because he'd had his own moment where he knew he couldn't proceed...yet. I agreed saying that there is something to be said about having the experience of being penetraTED when you've been only accustomed to penetraTING.

At some point when we were done maybe before we got dressed again he said that I was probably going to write about me fucking/penetrating him instead of him fucking/penetrating me. I said that I'd like to given that he was my first man with anything more than a finger or two. I said I wouldn't, though. Not unless he said that it was okay.

He smiled and explained that he wasn't disturbed about me sharing what had happened.

And so, I have. :)






And I will be the one to hold you down...Kiss you so hard...

I'll take your breath away...







Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Backing my shit up...

One of my acquaintances on okc had his whole profile deleted. Time to make another copy of my profile. I've worked too hard on it to lose even the most current version. For those of you who've been reading me for a while, there's probably only one major insertion. It's in blue. For those who are new, you may not have seen the earlier versions. Please feel free to read at will. :)


I am spirited, impatient, unconventional, and intentional...brave.

My Self-Summary



don't IM me before reading my profile. that usually ends badly.

if you happened across my photos, thought i was "cute", "pretty", "hot", "sexy" or perhaps that i looked like i might be "fun" and so thought you'd skim my profile briefly before IMing me, please, PLEASE STOP here and realize... and so, i'd have to say... :)

and please have a gander at my okcupid journal to get an idea of how my brain works, especially as this relates to my understanding of the political or interpersonal. it might save you (and me) some upset, surprise or frustration down the road.

these are a few of my (mostly recent) favourites in no particular order of size, ferocity, importance or popularity...SHITdangMUTHA...I don't know why it won't register the coding for my links. they work in my journal post. sweet. lightbulb moment. here's a journal entry - okcupid.com/profile/darkdaughta/journal/10377974170496368165/So-many-cutie-men...so-little-space-for-play... - that contains the links i wanted to insert. heh. who's your daddy? :)

but before you read my journal, or rather before you comment about what you read there...
please realize that although i really like receiving comments, i can do without them entirely.
and...
i don't owe you a response for any comment you leave.
in truth...
i tend to prioritize the comments of people i've communicated with fairly extensively, who i like, whose politics bear at least a passing similarity to mine...or who i think are fucking hot. :) if you don't fall into any of these categories, please step with care and understand that if you come bringing me your upset, your rage, you petty pissed off'd'ness, your sarcasm, your smart assed know-it-all oh so kewl geeker than thou self...
if you come to school me or explain things as i should be understanding or seeing them rather than engaging with me as you attempt to unpack how you have been taught to see things...
if you do not come to my journal/home with intelligence (yes, if you comment on my journal, i do get to decide if your comment is intelligent enough to even give energy to)...
if you come with uncritiqued oppressive beliefs or with oppressive beliefs you choose to attempt to openly smear on me...
if you come from either end of the political spectrum and choose to not behave in a civil manner...
i will either make fun of you, tell you you're a moron, point out how lacking in a political critique you are, cuss you or ignore you completely.
my journal, my prerogative. my rules of engagement.

other than that...
shall we begin?

in some ways very much an INTJ...

i am more...

precious and rare...
i am a woman who runs with the wolves...
i am a succulent wild woman...
i am a maturing woman who connects powerfully with the child inside...
i am a darkdaughta...

wrongly labeled as curmudgeonly, unkind and arrogant by those who prefer to, in deep denial, swim peacefully with the tide not rage valiantly and vigilantly against it...
i am a...
41 year old, fiery WYSIWYG, Black conscious, caribbean (not at all the same thing as a Black amerikkkan), north amerikkkan raised, first born child of divorced parents, capricornian, anti- (capitalist/imperialist expansionist corporate) war, dark(er) skinned, matriarchal, polyamorous, class conscious, fat, tall, rogue scholar happily living in exile, eclectic pagan ancestor/universe/ goddess worshiping, kinky (doesn't mean i'll be sexual with just anyone), queer'd (i lived a good portion of my life as a lesbian turned dyke before i decided queer as a way to indicate my radical sexuality-oriented political worked...that's in flux...oh, wait...identity related dimensional shift in process...in my head i've been trying on "heterosexual" for size), cisgendered, femme, polymath, bottom (who can but doesn't really prefer to switch), far-seer, verbal, confident, introvert who presents as extrovert, RADICAL lefty, feminist, anti-authoritarian, socialist, homebirther, parent.

i speak english. but it's not my mother tongue. i don't know what that is or would have been. or to be more specific, i don't know the languages of the peoples i'm descended from.

so yeah, english is the language my ancestors were forced to speak after they were stolen from their homes, killed in the millions, raped, force worked, emotionally abused, bred like cattle and generally maltreated on an epic scale.

it was the language of their captors. it is the language the descendants of those captors speak today...with some really fascinating etymological bits and pieces thrown in from all over.

my mother tongue was taken captive and excised. my tongue is colonized.

why do i even bother to point this out?

well, as i read okcupid's profile descriptions i run across people who threaten to tantrum or disregard or socially shun those who do not utilize the colonizing imperialist queen's "good" english with deference and exacting perfection. they call themselves sticklers for good grammar, spelling and punctuation. they write posts about how important it is to write in ways that will let people know you are educated and value the written word.

i cringe when i read these profiles so full of arrogance. i am enraged and driven to tears by the ability of certain people to completely preoccupy themselves with a system of communication while manifesting such ignorance about how that system of communication, that language has virulently spread itself across the planet thereby ensuring the dominance of those who speak it. i am disgusted by the ways these sticklers for grammar, spelling and punctuation can serve as vehicles for the spread of an oppressive toxin without realizing who they are or what they do.

i realize that these sticklers will not be interested in learning how i came to be an unwilling pawn of the virulent toxic system of communication they prize so highly above all else. i realize they will not want to ground themselves politically or historically so as to emerge from their indoctrinated ignorance. i realize they will not want to hear about the contempt and bitterness i feel towards their beloved language which has infected and thereby colonized my mind and my tongue. i realize that they will not want to hear of anything that tarnishes their perception of their beloved english which locates it as part of a centuries old genocidal war machine.

nope. i'm sure they will not be glad to hear of any such cunting tripe. :)

moving on...
i like bike riding...A LOT
i appreciate facial hair...on men (though being clean shaven is perfectly fine, too...)...
i love shopping for great deals on craigslist, bringing home beautiful things people leave on the curb without realizing they're still usable, hyacinths, flames on my acrylic nails, costuming myself as drag queen on any day besides hallowe'en...
i have a hard-on for rumbling motorcycles... unh ... clarification ... riding with arms and thighs wrapped tight 'round someone riding a motorcycle...
i like words, books, cloth, knives and sharp pointy weapon things (i aspire to one day own a bat'leth), massive ancient rock formations (google "canadian shield"), experimenting, truth telling, sharing lots and lots of words as a way to establish mutual understandings, goals and boundaries...
i am committed to struggling against the "good" mother icon by acting out in thoroughly unmotherly ways, struggling against ageist, aging woman stereotypes by behaving in some thoroughly non...anti-...unh...i try not to act like a fucking stereotypical 40 something year old woman mummified while still alive when and wherever possible :) ...

there's more to me...just keep reading...

on paper i am partnered with seminalson. we're best friends, co-parents, family and business partners. these roles work much better than trying to shoe horn ourselves or each other into any traditional, limited, oppressive, emotionally stunted monogamous, binary, government/church/family sanctioned relationship model. if you understand what i'm on about in this paragraph we might be able to get along. :)

i have one lover - bug/simian boy (not a denizen of okc). he is a wild, fun/ny, spontaneous, odd, gentle, perverse, queer, of colour, considerably younger than me, gymnastical, tree climbing, martial artist, circus kid, photographer. what has happened between us was unexpected but welcomed. it is very intense, very new...though it was months in the makin'. seminalson and bug/simian boy get along and enjoy spending time with each other, with the children and with me. i'm poly and therefore still open to making other kinds of loving connections with people i have already met or who i might meet. but right now i'm trying to understand what it means to schedule time, space and energy for this new lover. hmmm...not sure what else i want to write about him/me/us right now. i guess if you read my journals some of what has happened between us will come clear.

in terms of connections to wimmin, i don't actually date wimmin right now. it doesn't make total sense for me in terms of how my identities are shifting...

having said that, if you (a woman) come and read me here and suspect that you would be capable of engaging in ways that challenge not reify wimmin's patriarchally socialized and dominated ways of speaking, engaging, interacting indirectly, passive aggressively, competitively, fake smilingly, fearfully, hesitantly, self-doubtingly, ingratiatingly, accommodatingly, hierarchically, "nicely"...

if what you just read doesn't piss you off and make you want to "teach me a lesson", doesn't make you want to show me, prove me wrong, doesn't make you want to let me know that you're not scared'a me, doesn't make you want to let me know that you're just as "angry" or "aggressive" or "mean" or "bitchy" or "diva" or "kewl", "smart" or "wordy" or as much of an "outsider" or as "crazy" as i am...

in other words, if what you read doesn't intimidate you, confuse you, enrage you, threaten you, leave you feeling completely inadequate, fill you with the need to worship, collect, absorb, eliminate, apologize to, explain your lack of substance to, or compete with me, doesn't fill you with an urge to draw closer so as to better learn from me while bringing nothing of use that will nurture, teach, fill, stimulate or embolden me as i continue to grow, mature, expand and seek...

if you feel none of this when you read me, but instead you merely find yourself nodding with understanding and perhaps at different points, in agreement, filled with a (non denial or ego based) sense of having encountered sentient kindred...

AND if you DO NOT hold to the supremely mistaken belief that ALL wimmin who have relationships with men are confused, politically suspect, weaker and more prone to giving in/to the dictates of the patriarchy because The Cock is so powerful wimmin who are in too close a proximity to it cannot but kneel and do obeisance before it...

AND IF you are able to honestly, forthrightly and voluntarily discuss the presence or lack of any degrees of separation between us two in a way that highlights your ability to deal head on with incestuous, sticky, uncomfortable, mob ruling, popularity based group dynamics in wimmin's spaces, circles, groups, collectives or communities where we could, might, would perhaps know some of the same people but might not necessarily feel exactly the same way about them...

AND if you are not merely curious about what it would be like to "be with" a woman, or if you DO NOT believe in the essential Feminine and/or are not so starved for feminine energy and female companionship that being in the company of any woman will do because you have had your fill of being around men...

AND if you are not so patriarchally dominated and (hetero)sexually colonized as to believe that any sex you might have with a woman could not possibly compare to, or would inherently need to be compared to sex with a man...

AND if you are not a disciple of Andrea Dworkin and are not reactively anti- porn, sex work or bdsm, but are instead developing a nuanced and layered political understanding of these hot button topics that incorporates social, historical, personal, collective contexts that helps you name, claim and powerfully deal with any sexual traumas in your recent or distant past without projection or transference...

AND if you have an extremely high comfort level with your sexual orientation and an equally high comfort level with your own fairly kinked out sexual desires built on a solid foundation of openness, active learning and willing exploration...

AND if you comfortably and happily bleed, juice, shit, piss, sweat...and unh...eat...? :)

AND if you have well educated yourSELF about feminism(s) and have at least a basic awareness of the existence of various branches, waves and schools of feminist thought and methods of anti-patriarchal resistance...

AND you have a broadening and ever morphing personal political (rather than a calcified and limiting one) predicated on an analysis of power, hierarchy, domination, oppression and privilege that incorporates who you have been, who you are, who you were raised to become and who you would like to be...

AND if you're a feminist academic or academic feminist or feminist queer or queer feminist or, or, or...you need to be gleefully and fiercely working on the daily to bridge the gap between theory and praxis in your own life...if you don't do this or don't know how to do this, or feel it's okay not attempt to consistently and constantly do this, you won't be of any use to me, you won't be a good ally/friend/lover/partner/teacher for me...

AND if you are a courageous Power who does not balk, run, cower, fall asleep, or play both "sides" in the face of adversity, conflict, disagreement or potential loss of status, friendship or popularity if you should speak or stand on your own (or my) behalf...you understand that, in that moment where a conflict occurs, it is always possible for a loving and brave third party, to function, to facilitate, to mediate, to set an example, to demand ethical and nonviolent engagement, to co-create rather than to just pull me aside to, when no one who might be offended by you talking to me is looking, say some tripe like: "i don't like to choose sides" or "was something happening...? i must have missed it." or "i don't do well in conflicts. they're so scary" quickly followed by something like: "but i totally support you and think you're really powerful/unique/brave/smart..."...instead you are so ballzy that you can speak/stand/resist with me on a fairly regular basis as i attempt to deal with the effects of fairly regular shit storms sent my way...in fact, you are so filled with presence of mind and critical gaze, combined with uber fearlessness that you actually put me to shame...sigh...yes, that would be so fucking sweet...

AND if you do not automatically assume that we are compatible because we are both Black, both wimmin, both queer, both feminist, both mothers, both homebirthers, both...anything...

AND if you do not believe that I will think you're cute because you're white, young/er, paler than me, skinnier than me, have a nine-to-five job in government/corporate/not-for-profit environments paying over (insert whatever amount you have been taught to believe is so very special), because you are "well educated", because you are oh so fashionable or "kewl", because you know all the "kewl" people, because you have more tattoos and piercings than me, because you are not tattooed or pierced, because you have been repeatedly told you are a "superstar" in community circles, because people clap approvingly when you get up on stage or enter a room, because your family's name is well known, because you are "clean" or because you smell "nice", because you have shaved or plucked or waxed all the hairs off your legs, pits, coochie and butt :) ...
then...
*shrug* who knows? you could give me a try. we could hit it off. stranger things of happened.

i'm enjoying meeting and dating different people...predominantly men.

if you're under thirty, please be aware that although i don't mind dating (considerably) younger men and although i am sincerely thankful when i meet new people who introduce new worlds to me, i will not be thankful for your attention simply because you are younger and want to date me or fuck me.

please don't mistakenly assume that because i'm older, female, paper married and have children, that i am looking for a floater, an emotional transient, who cannot commit with whom i can have some disconnected "fun", "hawt" times.

don't assume that i don't want to date, go on trips, meet your friends, meet your girlfriend or boyfriend, sleep over, go for breakfast, go camping, spend days in a row just...doing...nothing...but chit chatting and holding hands...

in short, don't assume that because i'm older i will settle for less engagement, less attention, less energy, less affection, less intentionality, less access.

as a matter of fact, whatever your age...if an ongoing string of disconnected fuckings or booty calls are what you're after please feel free to move to the nearest wall and repeatedly bash your head against it before you attempt to message me. that will be less painful...for me and more productive...for me. :)

i crave real time touch lovingly administered by people who meet at least a handful of my criteria who would like to do things like meet for drinks or dinners or movies or to attend events or to participate in unspecified acts of mischief and mayhem. :) ideally these would be people who actually like to have indepth conversations about things other people find difficult, semi scary, hard to understand or unpalatable. i like that. in short, i have lots of space for intelligent, grounded, respectful, sane recreation...not very much for drama.

more...
i'm mourning the death of my father. he passed over in january 2009. my grieving process has been filled with words and emotions. it continues. day or night, sun or cloud mourning booby traps me from time to time. though i'm not in as raw a place as i was a few months back. however, if you don't know how to deal intelligently, mindfully or lovingly with someone who has experienced a massive loss, who understands that loss in layered, conflicted and thoroughly complicated ways, you might not want to try to contact me...for a few decades.
sigh...

he's the parent who raised me...as best as he could. raised by him means i was raised by a man. often my ways of interacting reflect this. i'm happiest when i don't mince my words, communicate in indirect or circular ways, don't play the flirtatious, ego stroking coquette. these are self destructive, self effacing ways of being so common among wimmin and teenaged girls that i would have learned from other wimmin...from a mother. how thankful am i that i wasn't fully inculcated by a maternal woman whose job it was to teach me how to behave like a "woman"? a complicated, sadness tinged kind of insanely happy. :)

also, being raised by someone whose first love was music who resisted working in the 9-5 realm as long as he possibly could means that i was raised with famine and feast in full effect. often we did not even have basics like money to pay bills, shop for new clothes or buy food. there were certainly no expensive camps or trips away on vacation.
hmmm...
you should know that i've been strategically and purposefully middle-classing with a vengeance for the better part of the last ten years. before that none of it mattered as i mostly circulated inside cocooned spaces of resistance where i could lie to myself and pretend that money, class and access didn't matter.
i was a fool.
even inside spaces peopled by those who understand themselves as oppressed, power and dominance based on money, career, land ownership and class reigns supreme.
when i left those spaces and came out into the larger world i had a steep learning curve to climb and navigate. i had to learn how to move in a world where power plays and hierarchy was more overtly acceptable.
learn i did.
so it's like this...
i'm the mama of two black, african descended children, the descendants of people who were dragged here to work for others while being verbally, physically, emotionally and spiritually abused. obamarama or no, the places i/we/they can travel to in this world are limited by white domination and racism which, along with classism combine to reduce life journey options in a myriad of ways. i can't change the amount of melanin in our skins. but i can consciously yet mercilessly accrue and utilize class privilege in order to minimize the effects of domination in my/their/our lives.
this is what i am doing.

what does this mean? well, it means that if you should attempt to engage with me you should realize that you are dealing with someone who, on the surface, has middle-class affiliations and a single class identity, who actually has working-class affiliations due to having been raised working-class. this means that my perceptions, values and loyalties are mediated by a harsh and completely jaundiced critique of the middle and upper classes, their consumerist ways, their status consciousness, their obsession with owning segments of the outer crust of the planet, their obsession with who has good blood and who does not.

so...
if you believe in the viability of the free market...
we're gonna argue.
if you make cracks about working class and poor people being less than human...
i will want to harm you. :)
if you believe that people who don't have homes or jobs don't deserve to access the full and free support of the state...
i will tune you out.
if you want to make sure that any children you presently have or might have in the future don't associate with people who don't make as much money as you, or who don't rent their homes from the bank at an extremely inflated rate (called having a mortgage) as opposed to from individual independent landowners (who in turn rent the homes they rent out from the bank at an extremely inflated rate)...
i will understand you as evil and dimwitted. :)

so yah...
it's crucial that you understand who i am as not just a raced and gendered being, but also as a classed being in this world. you dig?

still more...
when being raised by a man and being raised working class converge and outwardly manifest especially through the ways i choose to communicate, i'm called names like immature, mean, harsh, evil, hurtful. when the very ways i choose to communicate ruffle the feathers of those with privilege who have been taught to present themselves in less confrontational ways because they can do so and still get where they need to be...they bring me their rage, confusion, upset and demands that i cease and desist.

if this sounds like something you might be tempted to do when witnessing me present in my full glory...it's okay to go now. be well.

other than that...
if you are someone i might be interested in engaging with it will be clear to you because you are an intelligent, intense, honest, grounded and loving wanderlust king seeking a loving, long-term, non-exclusive yet dedicated wanderlust queen/partner-in-crime who is invested in your growth, well-being, bliss, other relationships and devilish exploits.

alternately the following in some combination bear a striking resemblance to who you are...
perhaps you...
-are weird/strange/odd/deviant/marching to your own beat/eccentric, out and proud about it...very different than being an attention seeking drama machine...that's not fun

-have AT LEAST two CURRENT photos on okc...that look like you. my photos actually look like me. so no surprises, all right? :)

-are compatible with me over %75...with an enemy percentage lower than %20...of course if the percentage of compatibility is lower you can take your chances. some have. mou-ah-ah-ah-ah-aahhhhhh....

-if you live in another city, another country or another part of the world, you are willing to travel to come see me. otherwise, stop here. end story. go no further. not seeking penpals or cybersex buddies. dry, dry, dry as biscuits.

-have answered AT LEAST 1000 questions...of course if you've answered considerably less...but still more than say...500...you could attempt to hail me...who knows...? (shrug)

-are confident...not overbearing, arrogant, self-centered or aggressive...just clear about your skills and abilities...your height, your bmi and your aHEM plumbing should be things you feel comfortable with however they measure so that you don't approach me full of insecurity and needing me to be less than who i am or with you needing a lot of attention and stroking in order to engage with me...if you're so pathetically lacking in self esteem you might need to slash me down to size so you don't feel so tiny and that will leave me feeling less than interested in dating you, let alone being around you or having conversation with you

-have access to a wide range of emotions that you know how to claim, discuss and express in honest yet appropriate ways without having to fall back on sarcasm. i don't like sarcasm. it's a catty, angry, disempowered, passive aggressive, ineffective communication style that does way more harm than good. please if you are interested in approaching me, please,
please, please be able to honestly admit whether you were raised by quietly angry people who took chunks out of each other in pleasant, courteous conversation utilizing full arsenals of sarcastic wit as their chosen weapons. if you come to me with dating/lovership/relationship on your mind and you were raised in such a household, you should be unpacking what this did to your abilities to humanly and humanely interact, you should be unmaking core understandings of sarcasm as an effective communication tool or...if you can't do any of this...then you should just go away now.

-this one's tricky...
part one - are not a blackophile, meaning you don't pursue Black people/wimmin almost exclusively...i am mySELF not a reasonable facsimile of your last wife/date/lover/mistress who was Black and really made you feel like the center of the universe...oh and...it should go without saying that you not believing in racist stereotypes about Black people/wimmin being more sexual, more passionate, more dominant, less needing of tenderness, affection, compliments, care, nurturing or other forms of loving interaction

part two - are able to see beauty, wonder, intelligence, lovableness in darkness without constantly referencing white skin, caucasian physical/facial attributes and/or european cultural standards as an imperial measure...extra kudos if you can understand what i mean here without asking me

-like how my pics look just fine but more interested in finding out more about how who i am as a politically left, analytical, feeling, intentional, maturing human who is socially located in a variety of ways some oppressed, some privileged.

-have the ability, interest, time, space, knowledge needed to voluntarily and ferociously process multiple layers of information in ways that cause you to think deeply about your choices, who you are, where you've been, your past/present/future relationships, the kind of future you're building and, most importantly, about what you want from me

-devour books, articles, journals, blogs, websites. you're an information and ideas whore...intelligent, delving conversations about things other than sex excite you...as much as talking about sex. ;)

-are politically a lefty...i should clarify here...when i type "political" i don't mean extremely interested in official state endorsed party politricks...i don't even mean like to organize or attend demos or marches or conferences or town halls...i mean your life choices and daily social interactions are grounded in an understanding of power and dominance, hierarchy and oppression...if you don't understand what i mean or if you have no interest in attempting to walk your theoretical, academical talk we will not get along...end of story...so! having said, that you are a lefty...more than just left of center, more than liberal or progressive...radically, critically left of center...you (and, more importantly, any lovers or partners you may want to expect me to engage with deeply and lovingly) actively question how you were raised to see self, others and the world around you...massive sigh...otherwise conversation with me is gonna give you (or, in truth, more likely me) a nosebleed of epic proportions quickly followed by a brain aneurysm leading inevitably to a cascading systems shut down...or being around you for any length of time or having extended conversation with you or chatting with you is really gonna really hurt, frustrate and just generally piss me off very, very shortly...

but...i had a lightbulb moment...
so let me put what i wrote directly up above in other terms...
-you are actively engaged in unpacking your own oppressive tendencies as related to patriarchy (defining as a feminist does not exempt you from challenging your assumptions about what/who a "good", "attractive", "smart", "kewl" woman is), racism, anti-semetism, homophobia, lesbophobia, transphobia, ageism, fat phobia, ableism, lookism, shadeism, sex conservatism, classism, elitism (especially if you're an academic, corporate type, or not-for-profit "superstar"), imperialism...and any internalized stuff you might be walking with...you see...if you're doing your work and i'm doing my work, then we can both lovingly and bravely support each other to do more of the necessary work...on ourselves. :)

-are queer or extremely queer positive...meaning that your understanding of the issues effecting queer communities moves far beyond the right to get killed in the military or the right to buy rings and play house as validated by the state :)

-are not a rescuer or knight on steed looking damsel in distress...although i can sometimes be truly in distress, i've found that my ability to play the role of trapped, uncertain, needy, hesitant, fearful princess leaves a lot to be desired and doesn't seem to impress those who need to feel extremely needed, smarter, more capable or more powerful than their mates/girlfriends/lovers/partners in order to experience what they understand as desire

-(related to above point) have an allergic reaction to wimmin who are quiet, soft voiced, uncertain, sweet, hesitant, insipid, surface, pliant, not centered, unable to do hard work (for reasons having to do with performing femininity not due to disease or disability), purposefully starved, performing fun and light, numb, perpetually in needy crisis, sexually repressed, silenced, lacking powerful opinions about anything beyond how to encourage or compel other wimmin to be more patriarchally pliant and self subjugating. oh! and...if by chance this collection of anti-traits resembles any of your long term partners or lovers or really good friends who you also like to sleep with, it may very well be that you will not be able to lovingly, deeply, intelligently, consciously, maturely, passionately understand and relate to a woman like me. In short, if your beloved female companions, lovers and partners are not Powers to be reckoned with, they may end up feeling threatened by me, feel the need to demonize me...eventually I will grow tired of trying to engage with them as fellow feminist amazons. I will grow tired of watching (for) them (to) perform acts of indirect violence of the kind wimmin in this society have been raised to do as a way to harm without retribution when they feel threatened. You may feel trapped in the middle and probably construct me as the one with issues who has rocked the boat. Not a good scene. Don't bring it to me.

-are OUT OF THE CLOSET and/or still open to exploring your own sexuality...comfortable about what you know so far but not closed off to becoming more than you had expected

-have had AT LEAST 2 or 3 long term relationships of note (since you came out of your teens) where you can honestly say you've learned how to communicate effectively, respectfully and intentionally without being pushed, begged or offered ultimatums. life and love have taught you to embrace transparency and openness which makes you an ethical creature who is honest to a fault. you prefer the sharing of pertinent information to hoarding and/or withholding. when left to you own devices you choose to use copious analytical, descriptive and emotional words to convey how you feel, who you are and what you want

-are either single but polyamorous or you are in an open, honest, respectful, intentional married/committed relationship that welcomes new loves and, more importantly, new family members. you actually KNOW what polyamory means...if you don't please don't waste my time

-have a framework for conducting your relationships that you can easily discuss with potential lovers. this is especially important because i'm seeking open, proud, clear, verbal polyamorous men whose lovers/partners/wives make it their purpose to actively engage with potentials

-although you are poly and/or available and/or interested in me you have space. you have space in your life, space energetically, space in your heart, space in your social life, space in your mind, space close to you for another...space for me...because i have made space in my life, heart, energy, social life, mind, right up close to me in order to accommodate the person or people i encounter who i want to be close to.

-you have processed or are actively and intentionally processing difficult or challenging issues in past or present partnerships, loverships, defunct relationships. you don't have to be mess free. but you must have a grasp on what has gone on in your life in regards to life and love and are willing to apprise me of any outstanding or pertinent issues that might impact a relationship between us should one develop

-you are capable of meeting me word for word, energy for energy, thought for thought, joy for joy, spirit for spirit, love for love, lust for lust...terror, discomfort or doubt are not things you seem to feel when i meet your gaze or ask for your presence. you are brave and grounded in your own power. you are kindred

-you have different intelligences than i do. i'd like to learn and experience new things or old things with new eyes

-if you're poly you don't believe that simply reading one heinlein book or the ethical slut will teach you all you need to know about the ethics and practical aspects of doing poly

at the end of the day, after all my big lists of attributes and desires have been drafted, typed and eventually read, what i'm in effect saying is that i'd like to meet intelligent, creative, emotionally intelligent, radically politicized on the left, loving, passionate, kinked out, fat friendly, communicative, spirited, spiritual, anti-authoritarian, child friendly, multifaceted, queered or queer positive individuals, dyads, triads, quads or families who are polyamorous if not downright polyfidelitous.

this is what i envision. this is what i welcome. this is what i open myself to abundantly receiving.

i say pretty much the same thing down below in the you should message me if section of this page. but i realize that sometimes people are not getting that far. so i thought i'd bracket what lies between with pretty much the same info, just stated in more detail down below.
hmmm...
so...
if you want to make contact with me it's best to start off with an email or two rather than an IM as an IM sort of parachutes you into my sovereign space without me knowing much about you, forces me to communicate with you before i even decide whether i...want to.

i don't like that approach...not one bit.

i'm looking forward to meeting, having conversation and even potentially to getting together with at least a few of you...even if getting together involves planes, trains or automobiles. :)

hugs...
darkdaughta



What I’m doing with my life

"i would like to believe that people have an instinct for freedom, that they really want to control their own affairs. they don?t want to be pushed around, ordered, oppressed, etc., and they want a chance to do things that make sense, like constructive work in a way they control, or maybe control together with others. i don't know any way to prove this. it's really a hope about what human beings are like, a hope that if social structures change sufficiently, those aspects of human nature will be realized."
- noam chomsky


seeking powerFULL kindred. attempting to maintain my own brilliant, inquisitive, passionate, fiery sense of self. continuing to regularly revision my life. intentionally craft a life, making this existence a beautiful and fascinating place to be. always trying to listen to what the universe is telling me and embracing who i was meant to be.



I’m really good at

"i have often wondered why the farthest-out position always feels so right to me; why extremes, although difficult and sometimes painful to maintain, are always more comfortable than one plan running straight down a line in the unruffled middle. what i really understand is a particular kind of determination. it is stubborn, it is painful, it is infuriating, but it often works."
- audre lorde


-asking difficult questions
-truth telling
-being brave
-being irreverent
-being a disturbing combination of cocky to the point of being (seen as arrogant) and nurturing to the point of people wanting to sit in my lap and cry...but don't do that cuz i ain't ur mama
-sharing
-slaughtering sacred cows
-remembering who i am
-unschooling myself
-trusting my instincts and inner voices
-finding bargains
-taking my life in my own hands while biking
-starting fires...literally (I was a non-destructive child pyromaniac who eventually got a job as a camp counselor which involved carefully constructing and lighting fires) and metaphorically
-really annoying people...if they're simple...
-killing house plants
-typing fast
-translating thoughts, reactions, emotions into written or spoken language...(though, if i had to choose, i'd say i'm much more articulate a writer as my spoken communications at this particular point in my life are completely influenced by nervousness stemming from consciousness of how much this world is built on a firm foundation of circular communication, deceit, denial and domination. as a result, i have profound discomfort when it comes to dealing with other humaaans and a complete and utter lack of faith in what it means when two or more human beings speak to each other as a way to achieve mutual understanding and connection.))
-giggling :)
-appreciating people's natural body smells...yum

ummm...the list of things i suck at is way, way longer. in some ways these offer their own snapshot of who i am...
-holding my tongue
-being quiet
-smiling when i'm upset or angry
-dealing with wimmin who smile or who try to smooth things over when they or people they know are upset or angry or threatened...gives me the fucking creeps...weirdo stepford wives
-subtlety
-pretending to be someone other than who i am
-clearly...keeping friends
-clearly...keeping lovers
-functioning as part of a mob, herd or other mindless grouping
-doing as i'm told
-conceding to power and/or hierarchies
-telling nice jokes that make people titter perfunctorily
-thinking asexual thoughts
-being a desperate housewife
-being a "mother"
-just signing on the dotted line without reading
-simpering
-playing ego and cock stroking coquette
-being goth pale
-flicking my hair
-living in clutter and mess
-letting the cards fall where they may
-lying
-not thinking too hard about things
-being trendy
-being business-like
unh...i'm sure there are more. just let me think about it.
-weaning




The first things people usually notice about me

hmmm...
when they first meet me, i might be nervous and maybe a little racing in terms of conversation. don't worry, eventually i calm down :)

i can be very intensely analytical and serious...quickly shifting to very silly and giggly...and back again. if you don't assume the presence of one way of being means the utter absence of the other...or vice versa...and if you don't assume that the two sets of behaviours are mutually exclusive as in - they cannot possibly co-mingle nicely...and if you treat me with respect regardless of what facet i choose to show, we'll get along just fine.

i'm...handsome. i won't say pretty or beautiful or cute. those adjectives i'll leave for others whose main directive is to present in a surface pleasing manner. papi...seminalson says i'm striking. that works for me, as well.

i like to play with clothes and with make-up. this is also one of the ways i work to smooth my way through a really diseased, looks obsessed world. i'm well versed in the colourful art of mac make-up related facial camoflauge. i paint up really well, but i don't present unnaturally everyday. so if you meet me and i am dressed to tha nines, eyelids and lips alive with colour and my skin's natural oils blotted out by a light layer of (my) flesh coloured loose powder, realize that the next time you see me i may be very very plain faced and more casually dressed.

also, i'm tall, very shapely (i have the body of a fully grown adult woman...who has carried and given birth to two children...complete with belly, bum and thighs that jiggle). my hair is yellow (usetabe...now it's red...nope, now it's yellow again....red...yellow...). i have piercings and a tattoo on my right breast and another on my right bicep. probably as a person draws closer they'll see that i have clipped not shaven underarms. i tend to squint...degenerative eye disorder that prescription glasses can't fully address...oh, i've got super uncomfortable hard contacts...which i'll probably be wearing...while blinking furiously...which is so much better than squinting. ;)

oh, and...my energy can be fairly intense



My favorite books, movies, music, and food

my favorite books:
in my tweens and teens my reading tastes were heavily influenced by my father who raised me. he was a sci-fi and fantasy reader. i became one as well. as a teen, when i needed to escape to other worlds i read asimov, heinlein, clarke, tolkien, le guin, herbert, bradbury, mccaffrey, moorcock, tanith lee, poul anderson, samuel delany, andre norton, c.j. cherryh, clifford simak, roger zelazny.

i remain such a huge fan of sci-fi/fantasy that one of my children is named after one of guy gavriel kay's books and the other is named after the main character in one of octavia butler's books.

ummm...
i was also raised around a lot of horror themed books, too. i used to read a lot of steven king and peter straub...even done some edgar allan poe.

many years earlier, in public school i read a lot of egyptian, greek, roman and norse mythology.

i also loved arthurian legends.

fast forward to adulthood...
these days with so much going on in the world, i'm forced to read about life on terra mostly non-fictionally if i'm gong to survive...still a little bit of fiction, but it's dystopic...octavia butler comes to mind. today (april 1st) i finished reading her last book fledgeling. it's the story of a young black girl who is a vampire human hybrid whose father's and mother's families have all been massacred leaving her with amnesia. i learned while reading it and made new connections as i continued to vision what living an ethical and true polyfidelitous life might eventually look like for me and mine.

as far as non-fiction goes...my grounding is in black consciousness, black feminism, black lesbian feminism...feminism generally, queer studies, sexual radicality...with a smattering of gender studies thrown in the shake up my cisgendered world...with a heaping does of class analysis which develops day by day.

bury my heart at wounded knee is a book that is also staying with me right now as i continue to deal with the emotional, social and political effects of locating myself as low level colonized settler occupier squatting on stolen land.

so is the slave ship which completely triggers collective middle passage memories related to travel, trauma, abuse and family. if you really want to understand what drives me, this book is a good place to start.

so is audre zorde's zami which in a lot of ways has formed the foundation for my black queer feminist politics.

anything by patrick califia-rice written probably before his change...i haven't bought anything new by him in a while but all his old stuff rocked my world.

i like to read about people of colour, race, feminism, class, hierarchy, gender roles, gender binaries, queerness, radical sexualities, homebirth, midwifery, defiance and rebellion.

i was reading heinlein's stranger in a strange land. but i decided to take a break and put it down for a bit...newsflash: heinlein has no emotional range whatsoever. reading this book was like reading an account of a passably successful suburban dinner party hosted by a distant, emotionally shut down family friend. there was no texture, no resonance, no depth. and on top of that...any present day man who understands himself as evolved who is utilizing this book as a template for how to do polyamory with present day wimmin who understand themselves as evolved...well let's just say that would be a reeeally bad idea.

right now i'm finishing off anne rice's mayfair witches trilogy...i'm on taltos...finished it. passable, light fun. next.

i'm about to start doris lessing's the cleft. i was actually looking for her book the fifth child and came across this book, instead.

favourite books include:
the book of negroes
talk about it!
the shock doctrine
beloved
love
jazz
making face, making soul - haciendo caras
the ethical slut
homegirls
leatherfolk
lesbian polyfidelity
screw the roses, send me the thorns: the romance and sexual sorcery of sadomasochism
our bodies ourselves
killing rage
sisters of the yam
feminist theory: from margin to center
talking back: thinking feminist, thinking black
the courage to heal
the mists of avalon
midnight's children
the telling
the edible woman
a handmaid's tale
oryx and crake
women who run with the wolves
this bridge called my back
public sex
sex changes: the politics of transgenderism
bitch goddess
poor bashing
spiritual midwifery
heart and hands
transgender warriors
transforming families
another mother tongue
the black atlantic: modernity and double consciousness
black women, writing, and identity: migrations of the subject
sex work
the black holocaust for beginners
the fifth sacred thing
lilith's brood
wildseed
kindred
parable of the talents
parable of the sower
the black unicorn: poems
sister outsider
macho sluts
coming to power
the second coming
ann rice writing as a. n. roquelaure's beauty books
the curse: a cultural history of menstruation
b boy blues and the second book - 2nd time around

children's books include:
i love my hair
nappy hair
the rough face girl
the nutmeg princess
mala
kirikou
tes chausettes sentent la moufette
remi roulant

i like horror and sci-fi movies...just not zombie movies. i like period movies, biblical epics (no, i'm not christian...it's like watching fantasy movies...with a cast of thousands...) i like documentaries about pretty much anything at all...

all time favourites include (i'll divide these into docs and fictional films when i have more time):

zero patience
12 monkeys
the johnsons
jack be nimble
a boy and his dog
sankofa
30 days of night
the cook, the thief, his wife and her lover
the draughtsman's contract
children of men
the mist
angels and insects
elizabeth
the haunting of julia
harold and maude
deliverance
omega man
i am legend
planet of the apes series (the original movie series)
soylent green
rosemary's baby
white oleander
aimee and jaguar
the fluffer
witches of eastwick
boys don't cry
practical magic
the divine secrets of the yaya sisterhood
the omen
little darlings
blade runner
minority report
i, robot
westworld
the stepford wives (1975 version)
chuck and buck
jaws
invasion of the body snatchers (1956, 1978)
hellraiser
the shining
daughters of the dust
quills
beloved
do the right thing
my summer of love
audition
aurore
the joy luck club
antonia's line
bound
gattaca
the celebration
the skeleton key unh...i dunno why us black chicks sitting near the front would be the only ones who found the end of this movie hysterically funny :)
cronos
the devil's backbone
paper house
stigmata
heathers
dark water (japanese version and amerikkkan version)
prey for rock and roll
the matrix
aliens
road warrior
blade (i&II)
terminator II
ararat
the gift
the ten commandments
the robe
ben hur
lord of the rings (whole series)
harry potter (whole series)
dune (mini series...but the costumes were better done in the movie...which was too confusing and ambitious...should have been done in segments rather than all crammed together)
eve's bayou
fallen
declin de l'empire americain
desert hearts
el crimen del padre amaro
the king
se7en
fargo
the silence of the lambs
dead ringers
less than zero
the hunger
chicken run
highlander (okay, all of the movies with the frenchman...there can only be One...)
spider
darkness
the dark
the ugly
delicatessen
fierce people
trouble every day
everything is illuminated
the hours
kirikou
a handmaid's tale
hedwig and the angry inch
event horizon
the unbearable lightness of being
the abandoned
the navigator: a medieval odyssey
let the right one in
dog soldiers
set it off
code 46
the broken
la hora fria
antichrist
dogville
the last winter

docs:
this film is not yet rated
i am an animal
paris is burning
afropunk
tongues untied
kanehsatake 270 years of resistance
dying at grace
still doing it
a litany for survival
white light, dark rain
coffee coloured children
some kind of monster

favourite directors: julie dash, lars von trier, peter greenaway, alanis obamsawin, david cronenberg, guillermo del toro.

you should know i watch television. like many north amerikkkan children i was raised on sesame street, star trek, little house on the prairie, the brady bunch, gilligan's island, the carol burnette show, the twilight zone, the outer limits...later on i tuned into city tv's new music in time to see boy george come on the scene...everybody at my school were carrying on about him...wondering whether he was a man or a woman the next day at school.

by the early to mid nineties i was a fairly cocooned lesbian separatist feminist who owned a tv...without cable. i did not pay much attention to most of what was on the idiot box, i didn't even really listen to the radio...only university radio...until i ended up in a relationship with someone who had children who were being raised in contact with the mainstream. they watched television and paid attention to pop culture and craved branded shoes and clothing. it was such a culture shock for me on so many levels. i needed to find words to describe what i encountered via this family's connection to the popular, brand obsessed world. people i was encountering were giggling about martha stewart and talking about xena and buffy the vampire slayer and i didn't know who these people were. they were talking about something called pop culture and i didn't know what it was.

it was also becoming clear to me that staying in a small, familial, incestuous community/grouping wasn't going to work for me. i was coming out...of dyke community. if i was going to survive, i was going to have to understand the outside world and since television is such a massively important vehicle for the conveyance of mainstream culture and values, i decided i would watch it...critically...and treat it as a guilty little pleasure. :)

the shows i presently watch or used to watch until they were canceled or finished their last season or was raised watching or watch because i watch them with my children include:

star trek (all versions except the idiotic enterprise)
dr. who (the old british version)
regenesis
dexter
supernatural
csi (original version)
x-files
medium
big love
simpsons (first few seasons)
kids in the hall
this hour has 22 minutes
the colbert report
criminal minds
house
the burning zone
the 4400
torchwood
the sarah connor chronicles
true blood
buffy
angel
xena
six feet under
in treatment
almost anything on the food channel

kid stuff i watch with my children includes:

miss spider's friends
nanalan'...unh...sorry, i couldn't choose so here's some more and more
the backyardigans
the save-ums
the mole sisters
peep and the big wide world
tutenstein
peppa pig

favourite actors and actresses:
christopher walken, gael garcía bernal, gabriel byrne, daniel day-lewis, sigourney weaver, juliette binoche, lena olin, kevin spacey, djimon hounsou, tilda swinton, willem defoe, clive owen, judyi dench, meryl streep, angela basset, jack nicholson, bill paxton, liam neeson, blair underwood (but mostly because of the character he played in "in treatment" which was fucking kick ass and completely relevant to issues faced by black men...who should really watch him in that show because seeing his character would surely add a new dimension to their understanding of what constitutes issues faced by black men...sweet...), lawrence fishburne, cillian murphy, barbara o, jennifer tilly, viggo mortensen, anthony hopkins, jet li (okay, mostly cuz he is eye candy), sharon stone (not so much for her stellar oeuvre, but more for aging in hollywood with so much sex related attitude), lena olin, jack black, adam sandler, sacha baron cohen...giggles...jock strap, indeed.

as far as music goes...first off, you should know that i like to sing at home...in the kitchen while cooking, in the shower...in my bedroom...i'll sing along to carly simon, to smashing pumpkins, to billie holiday, to neil diamond, to metallica, to rupaul, to bon jovi...no musical act i've ever heard enough times to be able to memorize the words and melodies for their songs are sacred. can the daughter of a musician hold a note to save her own life? well you'll have to be the judge of that. :)

and then...
to those people who some would call music snobs...those who pride themselves on always knowing and appreciating the newest or most obscure bands, the indie acts...who, as teenagers, had disposable income or access to their parents' disposable income in order to procure as much new music as they wanted...who didn't have to choose between new tapes or vinyl and buying food...who, as a result of this experience, choose people, potential friends and lovers and partners based on their obscure or indie or kewl taste in music...chances are you're not going to like me or my list. :)
you see...
in terms of music genres although my tastes range far and wide...even traipsing over into the land of country...just near one or two songs by the dixie chicks and shania...ugh, i know...pure cheese, my faves have been completely informed by radio. other than that i like pop music...sort of like white noise that i don't have to think too deeply about while i think deeply about other more important things.

i like rock music ranging from cock rock to grunge to pop rock to metal to the old huge bands...i like new wave (which i guess is now old wave)...i like r&b and soul and disco...hip-hop (please circle back up to what i wrote about pop music...it's pretty much the same deal here except the beats are more complexly danceable than with pop...but i really like eighties and early nineties hip-hop and understand it as more intelligent and less commercial...more full of meaning)...i like jazz, but i wouldn't call myself a connoisseur by any means...i like classical...same deal as with jazz.

i'm interested in learning about bands and kinds of music i haven't encountered before. so if you like any kind of music not mentioned on this list, i hope you don't mind if i ask you to provide examples for me to listen to as a way to get to know you better.

people i mostly encountered on the radio or while out dancing over the years...(oh, and if i repeat any acts on this list please let me know, okay?):
led zep
fleetwood mac
the stones
boston
the eagles
pink floyd
springsteen
stevie nicks
third world
lionel ritchie
eddie grant
billy ocean
duran duran
psychedelic furs
tears for fears
gary numan
the cure
earth wind and fire
olivia newton-john
sisters of mercy
chaka khan
roberta flack
patti labelle
tina turner
shannon
jermaine stewart
the sos band
depeche mode
old u2 (definitely a high school thing)
bob seger
joe cocker
bonnie raitt
eurythmics
annie lennox
kate bush
nina hagen
some sarah mcclachlan especially older stuff
rough trade
old police
mariah carey :)
jodeci
old public enemy
old krs-1
afrika bambaataa
heart
prince
donna summer
the bee gees (their voices make me giggle)
black sabbath
judas priest
old ozzy
genesis (with peter gabriel as lead singer)
old whitney houston
tom petty and the heartbreakers
lenny kravitz
old elton john...this one is "hilarious"...i know all the words :)
d’angelo
queen latifah (when she was butch)
monie love
tlc (when they looked like pretty little bois)
ya kid k
old salt n pepa
foxy brown (more for her absolute brazenness)
living color
old/er madonna...what can i say? i grew up with the wretched, culturally appropriating, poptart from hell :) ...but this is my favourite by her (visually and musically...beautiful for dancing, too)
old joe jackson
old elvis costello
ac/dc
the clash
billy idol
dire straits
the english beat
tracy chapman (when I need to cry, cuz she’s so depressing)
rough trade (I was singing along before I was savvy enough to realize what she was on about)
david bowie :)
simple minds
missy (fatty girl version)
simon and garfunkel
the pretenders
seal
prodigy (really, just “firestarter”)
michael jackson (before the face and complexion thing)
the doors
rush
red rider
robbie robertson
foreigner
journey
the who
pat benetar
cyndi lauper
neil young
billie holiday
george benson hottie man
carlos santana
old queen
the kinks
old aerosmith
pet shop boys

aretha franklin
mary j. blige
joan jett and the blackhearts
talking heads
ten city
inner city
jungle brothers
masters at work
the klf
grand master flash and the furious five
the sugar hill gang
alanis morrisette (only her first album after leaving canuck pop stardom behind...which i, coincidentally, am old enough to have witnessed)
molly johnson
janis joplin
erasure
rupaul
new edition
old janet jackson (mostly before she got the stoopid abs and the butt done...and yes, dry up, refried, farty beans britney stole all janet's old moves...)

some of these acts i've developed a liking for very, very recently...like in the past ten or so years...since i've been online and blogging and encountered youtube...some of these i'd encountered earlier but only found out the names of recently...some i encountered via reading profiles/journals/comments/forums on okc...some of whom i was even introduced to by Potentials i met here on okc:
massive attack
nina simone
rob zombie
india.arie
outkast
apocalyptica
rammstein
death cab for cutie
smashing pumpkins
our lady peace
the cranberries
billy talent
nine inch nails
three days grace
white stripes
bjork
radiohead
finger eleven
disturbed
spinnerette
the distillers
tool
the mars volta
gogol bordello
metallica
sepultura
nirvana
red hot chilli peppers
audioslave
sound garden
stone temple pilots
skunk anansie
peter tosh
moby
arcade fire

favourite movie musicals:
purple rain
grease

in terms of food likes...i favour spicy sushi, ethiopian...pretty much any dish that let's me eat lots of injera with my fingers, italian, especially any pasta done up all putanesca style :) , south asian especially mutter paneer, tandoori chicken, butter chicken, ras mulai, mango lassi and gulab jamun... thai, especially pad thai and red curry....anything with glass noodles, i like vietnamese soups and any kind of meat done vietnamese style...authentic chinese, especially dim sum...olives, pesto, spanokopita, prosciutto, paella, carnivore pizza, garlic, mascarpone cheese, bocconcini cheese, dubliner cheese, tea biscuits, cocount bread, coo-coo (not couscous), souse, black pudding, avocado, caribbean style curry, roti, jerk chicken, oxtail...peanut butter...pirukad, tea.earl grey.hot...jasmine tea, strong coffee, ginger beer (the fizzy kind)...vanilla ice cream...pralines and cream ice cream...tiramisu gelato...butter...olive oil...sesame seed oil... honey... brown sugar... molasses... maple syrup... spinach...cauliflower, mushrooms, watermelon, mango, paw paw (most people call it it papaya)...i'm beginning to appreciate vegan foods, mock curry chicken is tha best and i've always really like tofu, but I'm a carnivore...who prefers well seasoned seafood...fish...raw salmon...smoked salmon, shrimp, squid, medium rare new york steaks...to drink? pink wine...fruity alcoholic beverages like bellevue kriek, fruli and mort subite framboise

i've noticed that some people have also included a list of their favourite visual artists...mine is short, much shorter than the lists i made up above:
belasco (if you think men loving, kissing and fucking other men is su-WEET,then you'll love his drawings), frida kahlo, judy chicago, faith ringgold, artemesia gentilleschi, robert mapplethorpe, jean-michel basquiat, tom finland, eli langer, h.r. giger, jana sterbak, guerilla girls, betty laduke, carl beam, brassai, dürer, hieronymus bosch, the paleolithic artist who carved the venus of willendorf, cindy sherman, ron martin...if there are artists who are truly cutting edge who you think i should be seeing, please let me know cuz i am so not in tha loop where contemporary art is concerned...bad, bad former visual arts student...bad, bad former visual artist on indefinite extended leave...

and i guess while i'm at it i can also make a list of my absolute favourite plays of all time...it's extremely short:
the scrubbing project
the yoko ono project
ana mae's movement
and i also heard that there was a version of my absolute favourite movie of all time - festen - made for the stage...if i'd seen that play i'm sure it would have been one of my favourite plays, too.

i don't play video games anymore. but back in the stone ages, when i played at the mall after homework was done and before i was forced to trudge home, my favourite video game was galaga.

oh, and flowers...i like flowers:
hyacinths, especially
lavender
jasmine
gladioli
ginger flowers
cherry blossoms
tiger lilies
orchids (different varieties)
white trillium



The six things I could never do without

"We have come such a distance together," it said, its voice mellifluous. "What will you do now?"

"I want to go a little further," Will replied, glancing back over his shoulder.

"I'm sure you do," the Nilotic said. But believe me when I tell you it wouldn't be wise. Every step we take we go deeper into the living heart of the world. It will take you from yourself, and at last, you will be lost.

"I don't care."

"But those who love you will care. They'll mourn you, more than you know. I would not wish to be responsible for another moment's suffering."

"I just want to see a little more," Will said.

"How much is a little?"

"I'll let you be the judge of that," Will said. "I'll walk with you for a while, and we'll turn back when you tell me it's time."

"I won't be coming back," the Nilotic said. "I intend to unmake the House, and must unmake it from its heart."

"Then where will you go?"

"Away. From men and women."

"Is there anywhere like that left?"

- Clive Barker, Sacrament



in no particular order:
-creative, conscious and courageous exploration
-clear, honest and copious communication
-my radical lefty politics
-affection
-a stable, drama-free home life
-courage
and...
since i love to break even the most benign rules...i'll just have to slip in a seventh...
-a challenge with really bad odds not in my favour :)...but i should be clear here...i like to works against the odds to exceed my own personal bests...i hate competing with others...i love motivating myself to do more/better/faster



I spend a lot of time thinking about

-who i have been, who i am and who i want to become -blogging, writing
-things I've read
-irreverence and transgression
-emotion
-how to not offer my children the exact same set of matching baggage i'm walking with
-radical historically grounded politically infused nurturing parenting
-nationalism as a social, systemic and planetary anachronism
-blatant cliquishness and exclusionary tendencies among those who say they are against group/hive/mob mentality and nationalism
-being a misfit who passes in order to survive
-learning to live in a world of people who live in denial...emotionally numb
-compulsory, constructed gender roles and how fucking annoying it is to be coded, constructed and treated as "woman"
-learning to recognize those who will make good lovers, partners, allies, friends, family
-whether i will find my way back to some sort of sustained/sustainable creative process or just call that time in my life a phase and let it be
-aging while being grounded in my own perceptions of my beauty
-power and dominance (the unconsensual kind)
-power and dominance...the consensual kind
-the amount of sexual energy i've stored up in my body
-poly relationship building and negotiation
-intentional community, chosen family and mutual aid
-human interrelationship dynamics....i don't get much of anything having to do with how we interrelate, which makes dating a bit of a bizarre minefield.
-my next tattoo
-my next piercing
-fucking...and i can't even hide behind being a man
-class privilege



On a typical Friday night I am

updating...
I don't have a typical friday night anymore. i go on dates with bug/simian, have family nights with him and seminalson and my children or we spend the evening with the children so that seminalson can go out or vice versa. friday nights for the first time in a very long time are unpredictably fun and full of activity.




The most private thing I’m willing to admit here

pretty much whatever thing about me pops into my head that i find useful to share with someone i'm interested in deeply engaging with.

i have a blog...i'm a blogger...externalized thought process rendered via the word...
my blog has gone through multiple changes. it started off as a mama blog when i was pregnant with my second child. i had prenatal depression. the blog was what i used to save my own life and remind me of who i was/am/wanted to be.
then it became a probe i used to help me seek allies and new friends.
then seeking without truly finding became tiresome.
so my blog became closed to a handful.
then that ended up not being what i was seeking, either.
then my blog became a place for just me.
now it's open. but the 2,600 plus (mostly extremely personal, oftimes completely boombastical and inflammatory) posts i published since 2006 have been archived elsewhere.
i'm not sure what my blog is gonna be next. but it's open for perusal.

i'm also on deviant art. but i've temporarily taken most of what's there down.

i'm on facebook, too. i'd have to know you, like you and trust you enough or know that you live pretty damn far way for me to want to face/"friend" you.

don't bother trying to follow me on twitter. i tried being a tweet twit for about two seconds. i didn't really get it. so although twitter keeps telling me that people i don't know are following me on twitter i'm not there. so they're basically following a smoke trail.

and yeah...
last summer i was almost run over by a car that was being chased by police. i came pretty close to being killed. yup. i said it. some days...on bad days i wish i was. you see...living with this spirit, with this emotional range, with this amount of consciousness, with these values, in this body, on this planet, inhabiting this continent, at this point in history is beautiful but also, because most people (even the ones i like, admire, desire or could see myself being with for a very long time) don't easily understand most of me, makes simple existence...crazy making and definite a challenge.

oh! a few last tidbits. i've been watching vampire diaries (hangs head in shame) and i have a pair of pink snoopy underwear. wha-? :)




You should message me if

"intelligence...a mind that burns like a fire." it would be great if this was you.

first, please take my match me test. if according to your own answers your probability of being a really good match for me is high (way over 75%...over 80% would be truly sweet), then we should talk...or at least chat. :) if you have to take the test more than once to get a score that demonstrates high compatibility, please take that as a sign from the universe and move one. :)

if you're not interested in getting on a subway train, local bus, streetcar, grey hound bus, train or play to facilitate us getting together over coffee or drinks or over some really good food either made by our hands or by another's and/or would ONLY prefer to play word-based sexual games, thanks for popping by but you should leave away now. :)

if you're attracted to what you see/read of me but aren't interested in traveling to come see me, it's best that you stop reading now...and don't message me because if you're equal parts fascinating, smart, perverse, politically, critically and radically located on the left, brave, fierce and gentle, tend to live with flair and creativity and if you are a verbose, honest and passionate communicator i will go against my better judgment and attempt to find a way to make it work...only good in the short term. so if you can't/won't travel to see me and aren't interested in me coming to see you (offer only valid if you live north of tha 49th parallel), it's okay to finally stop reading. :)

if you're one to obsess verbally in conversation away from work about for hourly or salaried pay work and about your minionized relationship to workers who are hiearchically placed above you who have been granted power and dominion over you, we're not gonna click.
but...
having said that...
if you don't have a viable way of supporting yourself whether with some kind of paid work, freelance contract/piece work, grant writing, art/cultural production, sex work/hustling, internet spam/porn scams or whatever works for you, we won't be able to go on dates and do fun things together. although it would be lovely to stay in a place of viewing everything romantically through rosy coloured glasses, the reality is that i really don't want to spend all our time together with your roommate(s) or fellow community members or your girlfriend/ primary because you wanted to date me but couldn't afford to go anywhere dutch with me. :) i don't want to spend all our time together naked at your place or at my place because this is our only recreational option. i don't want to be the one to always cover date associated expenses. so if this is what you can offer, radical poor bashing/class analysis or no, i'm sorry but that's not the kind of engagement i can economically sustain.

if you can't or don't want to travel, but are interested in being long distance, platonic pen pals (shrug) it's okay to keep reading, but realize that for i'm on okc primarily to meet people (euphemism for men...just say what you mean, darkdaughta...just say what you mean...) i can click with romantically, intellectually and sexually who are interested in exploring relationship with me.

if you understand yourself as politically left and generally an open person but still find yourself struggling with the impulse to conversationally compel me to come more into line with your political rather than respecting my lefty politic, engaging is gonna be like pulling teeth.
or...
if you usually enjoy having deep conversations with folks whose politic differs from yours who are still on the left, but somehow you end up assuming that my having a radical politic that differs radically from your understanding of the political means that my ability to function as intelligent, ethical, loving, caring friend/lover/partner/date is automatically suspect, i'll be sad to see you self eliminate through no fault or action on my part, the possibility of getting close to one of the most uniquely fascinating creatures ever to cruise a man on okc. :) unh...i do struggle with hubris...sometimes. help! :)

for everyone else who is still t/here, read on...

realize that i am mind, spirit, heart and flesh combined. i both feel and think my way through any given situation.

i fall in love easily as i understand love as a choice, not as something that happens after cupid fires his bow. :) i feel passion with comfort and ease. this sometimes means that i fall for people before checking to see if they're even capable of falling for me back with an equal amount of gusto and abandon. :)

i'm enjoying okc because i can be a little more specific about what turns my crank and about the kinds of people i tend to love, admire and get really passionately turned on by.

bear in mind i don't have a type. what this means is that if you spend time speaking with me, getting to know me and sharing insights with me about who you are and what you believe and how you understand the world and if i feel a connection with what you're saying, chances are i'll develop an attraction for you if not then, then very shortly thereafter. :)

i don't primarily develop attractions based on a person's looks usually. i can appreciate a pretty face/picture and will say so, but I realize that in this world, people who are pretty are often encouraged to rest on some fairly limited laurels and to not develop aspects of themselves that i usually find much more appealing.

i think words, lots of them, insightful ones, conscious ones, radically politicized lefty ones, original ones, emotional ones are hot. i wish okc had a star system for grading the intelligence or sapience of people's wordings in their profile descriptions. ten to one i fall for people's word choices, their insightful, poetic, passionate, crystal clear words first and foremost. pictures are of secondary importance...or no importance at all.

and so...
having said that...
definitely message me if you are male and have at least one (or even better) many of these qualities:

*you are positively excited and sexually aroused at the thought of intelligently and passionately engaging with a loyal, forthright, intelligent, nurturing, inquisitive, fiery, creative, powerful, emotional, passionate, radically politicized, anti-authoritarian woman who speaks her mind.

*you are loyal, forthright, intelligent, nurturing, inquisitive, fiery, creative, powerful, creative, emotional, passionate and/or anti-authoritarian Power.

*you are worldly enough to know that whatever culture you were born into informs how you speak, how you filter or process information, how you understand beauty, how you deal with emotions and that wimmin you meet may very well come from other cultures that do the same for them but in markedly different ways. you appreciate this fact and don't seek to judge potential dates/lover/partners based on how well they can behave or pretend to be just like the wimmin of your culture or community.

*you find wimmin's full, real, natural bodies attractive.

*you are capable of loving and actually prefer to love...rather than just kick it or hang out or hook up...i don't know how to do any of those things.

*you are a sexually perverse lefty who is developing an understanding and critique of racism and white domination and/or patriarchy and masculinity and/or class and hierarchy and/or native autonomy and resistance and/or sex and sexuality and/or sexual conservatism and/or gender oppression...and of any/all of the other kinds of oppression in this world.

*if you actually have the time, space, energy, focus needed to pursue a relationship with me.

*you are an inquisitive, articulate, intelligent sharer, feeler...a willing communicator.

*you are an original, an oddity, a misfit, a weird and wonderful creature who crash landed here on this planet by accident...if you are strange.

*you are exceedingly comfortable with your own body regardless of size, dimension, weight, height or you're actively working on staying happy with what you've got so that i don't have to lie to myself or to you or pretend that you're less than or different or other than who you are so as to not upset or disturb any deep seated denial. :)

*you are also an ethical, truthful and brave person who understands your own thought process and feelings and uses this understanding to make decisions that affects your relationships and loverships in positive ways.

*the idea of traveling north/south/east/west to meet a woman you've only emailed, chatted with and spoken to on the phone is something you're open to.


please do message me if you have any of the qualities up above and also have any of these in your repertoire, as well:

*if you are interested in creating long term, powerful, emotional, changing, courageous connections.

*if you are polyamorous or polyfidelitous.

*if you are in a loving, committed open marriage.

*if you are an out, proud and intelligent bisexual male who is comfortable with who you are.

*if you are extremely sexual and don't understand sexualness as separate from love, respect, intelligence, clarity and honesty.

*if you appreciate safe, sane and consensual dominance and submission role play.


and the trump card?
1. if you understand what i mean when i say "beauty is about more than oppressive links to white skinned privilege, a pervasive, ageist youth culture, woman hating fat phobia and the performed, constructed patriarchal feminine," i will definitely want to at least exchange a few emails with you.