Friday, February 12, 2010

A lot of things have been happening with me...

I'm not writing about any of it in any of my favourite places.
There isn't any need.

I'm mostly just experiencing what comes and thinking about it.

I realized last year when my father died that I actually didn't have any (close) flesh friends. Sure I know people but I didn't have any friends who I could see my way clear to asking to drop everything and come see me (in a mess).

I realize that part of the difficulty is that I don't actually share values or compatible ways of being with most of the people I encounter. Values and compatible ways of being are so often used by most people to form the foundation for things like friendship.

I have to admit that I don't try to toe the line or come more into line with popular perspectives and ways of engaging. I'm much more interested in feeling around inside of me and deciding what works best based on what I internally locate. This is a fancy shmancy way of saying that by all accounts I actually don't play well with other "kids".

If I was living in a an actual real time village rather than in a city where people group together in what they call communities and behave like terrified, narrow villagers...
If I was truly living in a village I probably would be the shunned or scorned woman living a ways off, just out of sight. Close but not so close that the villagers would catch her scent and go into anxiety and gather together screaming "witch, bitch, witch" and come burn my house down.

I don't have close friends...especially not close friends who are wimmin of any particular political identification or social location. I don't trust most of them and they, from the looks of it, when I take time to examine their choices and movements, most of them don't trust me, either, don't view me as ally or friend or loved one.

It makes perfect sense. They're right to not trust me. I don't share their values, their ways of moving through the world. their ways of hiding themselves and their agendas in plain sight, their ways of avoiding and denying and pretending and accommodating. I'm not like them. And if I'm not like them it only makes sense that they would utilize various coping mechanisms they were taught by their mothers, their families, their communities and the society as a whole to keep a certain amount of space between me and them. Wouldn't want to be driven over the edge by whatever demons have got me in their grip. Nope. That just wouldn't do.

It's for the best really. No complicated melodramas. No lies. No bits of pertinent information withheld. No simpering smiles covering over the self serving choices they made. No inviting me to help them maintain systems of internalized domination. No socially sanctioned denial.

Just me.
In my head.
In my body.
In my soul.

Which leads me back to where I started.

I've been going through some changes and moves. I think that at the end of the day what's happening for me will serve me well and contribute to my maturation process.

Picture this:
Right now I'm in a cave, there's a fire and some aromatic herbs burning over the fire creating a slightly hallucinogenic effect which allows me to dream and wander as I dream and cavort as I wander and gather information as I...breathe...exhale...inhale...exhale...

I am questing, asking questions and trying to make peace with the fact that answers seem to be in short supply.

No matter. It's all good. Chit chat soon, okay? Kiss, kiss.



I would LOVE to meet you one day...

Dark Daughta said...

Never know what the future holds, do we? :)

secondwaver said...

What a neat post--though all yours are that--this is extra-compelling. I do hope you'll blog about this part of your journey, later.

Much love as you work through it, expand through it.

If I were your crone-neighbor in a village, I'd bring comfort, company, whatever support you needed during this hard time. I see you're ok, girded as you are with bravery-heart-brains-creativity.

GoddessGlory said...

That lil bit bout the scorned woman outside the village made me think of human evolution, the ones who left for reasons other than following water and food. The same force that burned and hung bodies, poisons water and food. Makes me questions wassup with that not playing so well, needing to get away and searching inside. Can't we all do that together? It's all good like you said, we all figuring it out.

And shit, that cave is sounds sweet. Got me breathing over here.