My self summary...
don't IM me before reading my profile. that usually ends badly.
if you happened across my photos, thought i was "cute", "pretty", "hot", "sexy" or perhaps that i looked like i might be "fun" and so thought you'd skim my profile briefly before IMing me, please, PLEASE STOP here and realize... and so, i'd have to say... :)
and please have a gander at my okcupid journal to get an idea of how my brain works, especially as this relates to my understanding of the political or interpersonal. it might save you (and me) some upset, surprise or frustration down the road.
these are a few of my (mostly recent) favourites in no particular order of size, ferocity, importance or popularity...SHITdangMUTHA...I don't know why it won't register the coding for my links. they work in my journal post. sweet. lightbulb moment. here's a journal entry - okcupid.com/profile/darkdaughta/journal/10377974170496368165/So-many-cutie-men...so-little-space-for-play... - that contains the links i wanted to insert. heh. who's your daddy? :)
but before you read my journal, or rather before you comment about what you read there...
please realize that although i really like receiving comments, i can do without them entirely.
and...
i don't owe you a response for any comment you leave.
in truth...
i tend to prioritize the comments of people i've communicated with fairly extensively, who i like, whose politics bear at least a passing similarity to mine...or who i think are fucking hot. :) if you don't fall into any of these categories, please step with care and understand that if you come bringing me your upset, your rage, you petty pissed off'd'ness, your sarcasm, your smart assed know-it-all oh so kewl geekier than thou self...
if you come to school me or explain things as i should be understanding or seeing them rather than engaging with me as you attempt to unpack how you have been taught to see things...
if you do not come to my journal/home with intelligence (yes, if you comment on my journal, i do get to decide if your comment is intelligent enough to even give energy to)...
if you come with uncritiqued oppressive beliefs or with oppressive beliefs you choose to attempt to openly smear on me...
if you come from either end of the political spectrum and choose to not behave in a civil manner...
i will either make fun of you, tell you you're a moron, point out how lacking in a political critique you are, cuss you or ignore you completely.
my journal, my prerogative. my rules of engagement.
other than that...
shall we begin?
in some ways very much an INTJ...
i am more...
precious and rare...
i am a woman who runs with the wolves...
i am a succulent wild woman...
i am a maturing woman who connects powerfully with the child inside...
i am a darkdaughta...
wrongly labeled as curmudgeonly, unkind and arrogant by those who prefer to, in deep denial, swim peacefully with the tide not rage valiantly and vigilantly against it...
i am a...
43 year old, fiery WYSIWYG, Black conscious, caribbean (not at all the same thing as a Black amerikkkan), north amerikkkan raised, first born child of divorced parents, capricornian, anti- (capitalist/imperialist expansionist corporate) war, 9/11 truther, dark(er) skinned, matriarchal, polyamorous, class conscious, fat, tall, eclectic pagan ancestor/universe/ goddess worshiping, kinky (doesn't mean i'll be sexual with just anyone), queer'd (i lived a good portion of my life as a lesbian turned dyke before i decided queer as a way to indicate my radical sexuality-oriented political worked...that's in flux...oh, wait...identity related dimensional shift in process...in my head i've been trying on "heterosexual" for size), cisgendered, femme, polymath, (switchable) bottom (only in play not in real life where truly being submissive is just not safe or smart), far-seer, verbal, confident, introvert who presents as extrovert, RADICAL lefty, feminist, anti-authoritarian, socialist, homebirther, parent.
i am a rogue scholar happily living in exile. this means i was educated in academia but soon found that place and its denizens distasteful, realizing i could learn better and create more intelligent, less co-opted knowings away from there.
best and most memorable post educational moment? encountering a black south african feminism professor/writer/poet/psychoanalyst/rape crisis counselor with a razor blade lipsticked mouth that never failed to speak from a place of resistance and consciousness. beauty. :)
she took me (a newly out black dyke struggling with what felt like compulsory androgyny) to the mac make-up counter. she also introduced me about black consciousness, malcolm x, steven biko, frantz fanon, walter rodney and albert memmi. she taught me to gaze through the lens of a critical analysis informed by my social location(s) and to demand that those who would be close to me be able to do the same.
she taught classes that felt like combination thunder storms/hurricanes/tornadoes/tsunamis where students were profoundly changed. i learned to hold head up and maintain focus in even the most uncomfortable situations.
she offered wordings like white domination, white supremacy, the matrix of power, unearned privilege, white privilege, oppression, the dominated, the colonizer. she taught me to speak and write without fear and without hesitation especially to those who would be allies.
she encouraged me to publish and to speak and to make the links so as to better resist all forms of domination.
20 years after having met her i still honour what she gifted to me, a young, fairly lost caribbean girl who liked words and who could draw but who was lacking a lot of basic information about the world and its workings.
her words: talk about it - pak uit (tell all) remain with me always.
i speak english. but it's not my mother tongue. i don't know what that is or would have been. or to be more specific, i don't know the languages of the peoples i'm descended from.
so yeah, english is the language my ancestors were forced to speak after they were stolen from their homes, killed in the millions, raped, force worked, emotionally abused, bred like cattle and generally maltreated on an epic scale.
it was the language of their captors. it is the language the descendants of those captors speak today...with some really fascinating etymological bits and pieces thrown in from all over.
my mother tongue was taken captive and excised. my tongue is colonized.
why do i even bother to point this out?
well, as i read okcupid's profile descriptions i run across people who threaten to tantrum or disregard or socially shun those who do not utilize the colonizing imperialist queen's "good" english with deference and exacting perfection. they call themselves sticklers for good grammar, spelling and punctuation. they write posts about how important it is to write in ways that will let people know you are educated and value the written word.
i cringe when i read these profiles so full of arrogance. i am enraged and driven to tears by the ability of certain people to completely preoccupy themselves with a system of communication while manifesting such ignorance about how that system of communication, that language has virulently spread itself across the planet thereby ensuring the dominance of those who speak it. i am disgusted by the ways these sticklers for grammar, spelling and punctuation can serve as vehicles for the spread of an oppressive toxin without realizing who they are or what they do.
i realize that these sticklers will not be interested in learning how i came to be an unwilling pawn of the virulent toxic system of communication they prize so highly above all else. i realize they will not want to ground themselves politically or historically so as to emerge from their indoctrinated ignorance. i realize they will not want to hear about the contempt and bitterness i feel towards their beloved language which has infected and thereby colonized my mind and my tongue. i realize that they will not want to hear of anything that tarnishes their perception of their beloved english which locates it as part of a centuries old genocidal war machine.
nope. i'm sure they will not be glad to hear of any such cunting tripe. :)
moving on...
i like bike riding...A LOT
i appreciate facial hair...on men (though being clean shaven is perfectly fine, too...)...
i love shopping for great deals on craigslist, bringing home beautiful things people leave on the curb without realizing they're still usable, hyacinths, flames on my acrylic nails, costuming myself as drag queen on any day besides hallowe'en...
i have a hard-on for rumbling motorcycles... unh ... clarification ... riding with arms and thighs wrapped tight 'round someone riding a motorcycle...
i like words, books, cloth, knives and sharp pointy weapon things (i aspire to one day own a bat'leth), massive ancient rock formations (google "canadian shield"), experimenting, truth telling, sharing lots and lots of words as a way to establish mutual understandings, goals and boundaries...
i am committed to struggling against the "good" mother icon by acting out in thoroughly unmotherly ways, struggling against ageist, aging woman stereotypes by behaving in some thoroughly non...anti-...unh...i try not to act like a fucking stereotypical 40 something year old woman mummified while still alive when and wherever possible :) ...
there's more to me...just keep reading...
on paper i am partnered with seminalson. we're best friends, co-parents, family and business partners. we share common culture and origins. we're both trekkies. we often behave like siblings, me - bossy, overly responsible older sister, him pesky and rebellious younger brother. even the most dysfunctional of these roles works much better than trying to shoe horn ourselves or each other into any traditional, limited, oppressive, emotionally stunted monogamous, binary, government/church/family sanctioned relationship model. if you understand what i'm on about in this paragraph we might be able to get along. :)
i have one lover - bug/simian boy. He wasn't on okc for a long while. but recently he decided he would come out to play here. his profile page is still in tha works. he's MartialArborist.
he is a wild, fun/ny, spontaneous, odd...very odd, gentle, perverse, bottom/submissive, sometimes extremely effeminate, pot smoking, queer, of colour, considerably younger than me, gymnastical, tree climbing, martial artist, circus kid, photographer, boy/man who is slow to anger and quick to laughter. in many ways we're a massive odd couple. we're two odd people who have made a connection that most probably don't understand that, nonetheless, works for us.
the three of us live together with my two children in a very busy, cluttered, colourful house where there is lots of laughter, hugs, cuddles, music, dancing. horror and sci-fi movies, dreams, ideas, shared meals, drink, alt news, late nights, early mornings, tvo kids, documentaries and children's toys...but also filled with lots of challenges, reading, critical conversation, tears, rebellion, personal triggers, pint sized humaaans tantrumming, three sets of chidlhood memories, longing, lust and moments of intense annoyance and frustration, too.
seminalson and MartialArborist are working at building their own relationship independent of me. it's been rough going sometimes for me and them and for the two of them with each other. they presently define as partners who share...socks, waffles and guinness.
the three of us are all in individual counseling and are also in counseling as a triad. poly relationships are a lot of work and the friendly, insightful support from a wonderful counselor has been invaluable to our family, the whole relationship and also for our relationships with/to each other.
we define as a hinged vee since the primary connections are between me and seminalson and me and martialarborist. if you're reading this because you're interested in one of them please be someone who is relationship, family and poly friendly. we all prefer to meet and date people who know how to support our relationship and family ties who are not competitive or willing to undermine relationships in order to have relationships.
hmmm...i'm really busy with family and relationships but i'm still open to meeting potentials. this is me saying i'm still open to making different kinds of loving connections with people i have already met or who i might meet. but right now i'm trying to understand what it means to schedule time, space and energy for one new lover. hmmm...not sure what else i want to write about him/me/us right now. i guess if you read my journals some of what has happened between us will come clear.
in terms of connections to wimmin, i don't actually date wimmin right now. it doesn't make total sense for me in terms of how my identities are shifting...
having said that, if you (a woman) come and read me here and suspect that you would be capable of engaging in ways that challenge not reify wimmin's patriarchally socialized and dominated ways of speaking, engaging, interacting indirectly, passive aggressively, competitively, fake smilingly, fearfully, hesitantly, self-doubtingly, ingratiatingly, accommodatingly, hierarchically, "nicely"...
if what you just read doesn't piss you off and make you want to "teach me a lesson", doesn't make you want to show me, prove me wrong, doesn't make you want to let me know that you're not scared'a me, doesn't make you want to let me know that you're just as "angry" or "aggressive" or "mean" or "bitchy" or "diva" or "kewl", "smart" or "wordy" or as much of an "outsider" or as "crazy" as i am...
in other words, if what you read doesn't intimidate you, confuse you, enrage you, threaten you, leave you feeling completely inadequate, fill you with the need to worship, collect, absorb, eliminate, apologize to, explain your lack of substance to, or compete with me, doesn't fill you with an urge to draw closer so as to better learn from me while bringing nothing of use that will nurture, teach, fill, stimulate or embolden me as i continue to grow, mature, expand and seek...
if you feel none of this when you read me, but instead you merely find yourself nodding with understanding and perhaps at different points, in agreement, filled with a (non denial or ego based) sense of having encountered sentient kindred...
AND if you DO NOT hold to the supremely mistaken belief that ALL wimmin who have relationships with men are confused, politically suspect, weaker and more prone to giving in/to the dictates of the patriarchy because The Cock is so powerful wimmin who are in too close a proximity to it cannot but kneel and do obeisance before it...
AND IF you are able to honestly, forthrightly and voluntarily discuss the presence or lack of any degrees of separation between us two in a way that highlights your ability to deal head on with incestuous, sticky, uncomfortable, mob ruling, popularity based group dynamics in wimmin's spaces, circles, groups, collectives or communities where we could, might, would perhaps know some of the same people but might not necessarily feel exactly the same way about them...
AND if you are not merely curious about what it would be like to "be with" a woman, or if you DO NOT believe in the essential Feminine and/or are not so starved for feminine energy and female companionship that being in the company of any woman will do because you have had your fill of being around men...
AND if you are not so patriarchally dominated and (hetero)sexually colonized as to believe that any sex you might have with a woman could not possibly compare to, or would inherently need to be compared to sex with a man...
AND if you are not reactively anti- porn, sex work or bdsm, but are instead developing a nuanced and layered political understanding of these hot button topics that incorporates social, historical, personal, collective contexts that helps you name, claim and powerfully deal with the horrible reality of male domination of us wimmin, our genitals, our images, our desires, our safety, our agency, our personal and collective power and how all these are influenced by the virulent, horrifying, stunting (mis)education of generation upon generation of men via unrealistic and completely oppressive mainstream porn and a widely accepted porn culture which socializes the vast majority of wimmin (even inside mixed gendered communities and enclaves of politically radical resistance) to always be sexually at the ready, engaging, smiling, performatively pliant and completely complicit in our own domination and can simultaneously incorporate a critique of any sexual traumas in your recent or distant past without projection or transference...
AND if you have an extremely high comfort level with your sexual orientation and an equally high comfort level with your own fairly kinked out sexual desires built on a solid foundation of openness, active learning and willing exploration...
AND if you comfortably and happily bleed, juice, shit, piss, sweat...and unh...eat...? :)
AND if you have well educated yourSELF about feminism(s) and have at least a basic awareness of the existence of various branches, waves and schools of feminist thought and methods of anti-patriarchal resistance...
AND you have a broadening and ever morphing personal political (rather than a calcified and limiting one) predicated on an analysis of power, hierarchy, domination, oppression and privilege that incorporates who you have been, who you are, who you were raised to become and who you would like to be...
AND if you're a feminist academic or academic feminist or feminist queer or queer feminist or, or, or...you need to be gleefully and fiercely working on the daily to bridge the gap between theory and praxis in your own life...if you don't do this or don't know how to do this, or feel it's okay not attempt to consistently and constantly do this, you won't be of any use to me, you won't be a good ally/friend/lover/partner/teacher for me...
AND if you are a courageous Power who does not balk, run, cower, fall asleep, or play both "sides" in the face of adversity, conflict, disagreement or potential loss of status, friendship or popularity if you should speak or stand on your own (or my) behalf...you understand that, in that moment where a conflict occurs, it is always possible for a loving and brave third party, to function, to facilitate, to mediate, to set an example, to demand ethical and nonviolent engagement, to co-create rather than to just pull me aside to, when no one who might be offended by you talking to me is looking, say some tripe like: "i don't like to choose sides" or "was something happening...? i must have missed it." or "i don't do well in conflicts. they're so scary" quickly followed by something like: "but i totally support you and think you're really powerful/unique/brave/smart..."...instead you are so ballzy that you can speak/stand/resist with me on a fairly regular basis as i attempt to deal with the effects of fairly regular shit storms sent my way...in fact, you are so filled with presence of mind and critical gaze, combined with uber fearlessness that you actually put me to shame...sigh...yes, that would be so fucking sweet...
AND if you do not automatically assume that we are compatible because we are both Black, both wimmin, both queer, both feminist, both mothers, both homebirthers, both...anything...
AND if you do not believe that I will think you're cute because you're white, young/er, paler than me, skinnier than me, have a nine-to-five job in government/corporate/not-for-profit environments paying over (insert whatever amount you have been taught to believe is so very special), because you are "well educated", because you are oh so fashionable or "kewl", because you know all the "kewl" people, because you have more tattoos and piercings than me, because you are not tattooed or pierced, because you have been repeatedly told you are a "superstar" in community circles, because people clap approvingly when you get up on stage or enter a room, because your family's name is well known, because you are "clean" or because you smell "nice", because you have shaved or plucked or waxed all the hairs off your legs, pits, coochie and butt :) ...
then...
*shrug* who knows? you could give me a try. we could hit it off. stranger things of happened.
i'm enjoying meeting and dating different people...predominantly men.
if you're under thirty, please be aware that although i don't mind dating (considerably) younger men and although i am sincerely thankful when i meet new people who introduce new worlds to me, i will not be thankful for your attention simply because you are younger and want to date me or fuck me.
please don't mistakenly assume that because i'm older, female, paper married and have children, that i am looking for a floater, an emotional transient, who cannot commit with whom i can have some disconnected "fun", "hawt" times.
don't assume that i don't want to date, go on trips, meet your friends, meet your girlfriend or boyfriend, sleep over, go for breakfast, go camping, spend days in a row just...doing...nothing...but chit chatting and holding hands...
in short, don't assume that because i'm older i will settle for less engagement, less attention, less energy, less affection, less intentionality, less access.
as a matter of fact, whatever your age...if an ongoing string of disconnected fuckings or booty calls are what you're after please feel free to move to the nearest wall and repeatedly bash your head against it before you attempt to message me. that will be less painful...for me and more productive...for me. :)
i crave real time touch lovingly administered by people who meet at least a handful of my criteria who would like to do things like meet for drinks or dinners or movies or to attend events or to participate in unspecified acts of mischief and mayhem. :) ideally these would be people who actually like to have indepth conversations about things other people find difficult, semi scary, hard to understand or unpalatable. i like that. in short, i have lots of space for intelligent, grounded, respectful, sane recreation...not very much for drama.
more...
i'm mourning the death of my father. he passed over in january 2009. my grieving process has been filled with words and emotions. it continues. day or night, sun or cloud mourning booby traps me from time to time. though i'm not in as raw a place as i was a few months back. however, if you don't know how to deal intelligently, mindfully or lovingly with someone who has experienced a massive loss, who understands that loss in layered, conflicted and thoroughly complicated ways, you might not want to try to contact me...for a few decades.
sigh...
he's the parent who raised me...as best as he could. raised by him means i was raised by a man. often my ways of interacting reflect this. i'm happiest when i don't mince my words, communicate in indirect or circular ways, don't play the flirtatious, ego stroking coquette. these are self destructive, self effacing ways of being so common among wimmin and teenaged girls that i would have learned from other wimmin...from a mother. how thankful am i that i wasn't fully inculcated by a maternal woman whose job it was to teach me how to behave like a "woman"? a complicated, sadness tinged kind of insanely happy. :)
also, being raised by someone whose first love was music who resisted working in the 9-5 realm as long as he possibly could means that i was raised with famine and feast in full effect. often we did not even have basics like money to pay bills, shop for new clothes or buy food. there were certainly no expensive camps or trips away on vacation.
hmmm...
you should know that i've been strategically and purposefully middle-classing with a vengeance for the better part of the last ten years. before that none of it mattered as i mostly circulated inside cocooned spaces of resistance where i could lie to myself and pretend that money, class and access didn't matter.
i was a fool.
even inside spaces peopled by those who understand themselves as oppressed, power and dominance based on money, career, land ownership and class reigns supreme.
when i left those spaces and came out into the larger world i had a steep learning curve to climb and navigate. i had to learn how to move in a world where power plays and hierarchy was more overtly acceptable.
learn i did.
so it's like this...
i'm the mama of two black, african descended children, the descendants of people who were dragged here to work for others while being verbally, physically, emotionally and spiritually abused. obamarama or no, the places i/we/they can travel to in this world are limited by white domination and racism which, along with classism combine to reduce life journey options in a myriad of ways. i can't change the amount of melanin in our skins. but i can consciously yet mercilessly accrue and utilize class privilege in order to minimize the effects of domination in my/their/our lives.
this is what i am actively doing.
what does this mean? well, it means that if you should attempt to engage with me you should realize that you are dealing with someone who, on the surface, has middle-class affiliations and a single class identity, who actually has working-class affiliations due to having been raised working-class. this means that my perceptions, values and loyalties are mediated by a harsh and completely jaundiced critique of the middle and upper classes, their consumerist ways, their status consciousness, their obsession with owning segments of the outer crust of the planet, their obsession with who has good blood and who does not.
so...
if you believe in the viability of the free market...
we're gonna argue.
if you make cracks about working class and poor people being less than human...
i will want to harm you. :)
if you believe that people who don't have homes or jobs don't deserve to access the full and free support of the state...
i will tune you out.
if you want to make sure that any children you presently have or might have in the future don't associate with people who don't make as much money as you, or who don't rent their homes from the bank at an extremely inflated rate (called having a mortgage) as opposed to from individual independent landowners (who in turn rent the homes they rent out from the bank at an extremely inflated rate)...
i will understand you as evil and dimwitted. :)
so yah...
it's crucial that you understand who i am as not just a raced and gendered being, but also as a classed being in this world. you dig?
still more...
when being raised by a man and being raised working class converge and outwardly manifest especially through the ways i choose to communicate, i'm called names like immature, mean, harsh, evil, hurtful. when the very ways i choose to communicate ruffle the feathers of those with privilege who have been taught to present themselves in less confrontational ways because they can do so and still get where they need to be...they bring me their rage, confusion, upset and demands that i cease and desist.
if this sounds like something you might be tempted to do when witnessing me present in my full glory...it's okay to go now. be well.
other than that...
if you are someone i might be interested in engaging with it will be clear to you because you are an intelligent, intense, honest, grounded and loving wanderlust king seeking a loving, long-term, non-exclusive yet dedicated wanderlust queen/partner-in-crime who is invested in your growth, well-being, bliss, other relationships and devilish exploits.
alternately the following in some combination bear a striking resemblance to who you are...
perhaps you...
-are weird/strange/odd/deviant/marching to your own beat/eccentric, out and proud about it...very different than being an attention seeking drama machine...that's not fun
-have AT LEAST two CURRENT photos on okc...that look like you. my photos actually look like me. so no surprises, all right? :)
-are compatible with me over %75...with an enemy percentage lower than %20...of course if the percentage of compatibility is lower you can take your chances. some have. mou-ah-ah-ah-ah-aahhhhhh....
-if you live in another city, another country or another part of the world, you are willing to travel to come see me. otherwise, stop here. end story. go no further. not seeking penpals or cybersex buddies. dry, dry, dry as biscuits.
-have answered AT LEAST 1000 questions...of course if you've answered considerably less...but still more than say...500...you could attempt to hail me...who knows...? (shrug)
-are confident...not overbearing, arrogant, self-centered or aggressive...just clear about your skills and abilities...your height, your bmi and your aHEM plumbing should be things you feel comfortable with however they measure so that you don't approach me full of insecurity and needing me to be less than who i am or with you needing a lot of attention and stroking in order to engage with me...if you're so pathetically lacking in self esteem you might need to slash me down to size so you don't feel so tiny and that will leave me feeling less than interested in dating you, let alone being around you or having conversation with you
-have access to a wide range of emotions that you know how to claim, discuss and express in honest yet appropriate ways without having to fall back on sarcasm. i don't like sarcasm. it's a catty, angry, disempowered, passive aggressive, ineffective communication style that does way more harm than good. please if you are interested in approaching me, please, please, please be able to honestly admit whether you were raised by quietly angry people who took chunks out of each other in pleasant, courteous conversation utilizing full arsenals of sarcastic wit as their chosen weapons. if you come to me with dating/lovership/relationship on your mind and you were raised in such a household, you should be unpacking what this did to your abilities to humanly and humanely interact, you should be unmaking core understandings of sarcasm as an effective communication tool or...if you can't do any of this...then you should just go away now.
-this one's tricky...
part one - are not a blackophile, meaning you don't pursue Black people/wimmin almost exclusively...i am mySELF not a reasonable facsimile of your last wife/date/lover/mistress who was Black and really made you feel like the center of the universe...oh and...it should go without saying that you not believing in racist stereotypes about Black people/wimmin being more sexual, more passionate, more dominant, less needing of tenderness, affection, compliments, care, nurturing or other forms of loving interaction
part two - are able to see beauty, wonder, intelligence, lovableness in darkness without constantly referencing white skin, caucasian physical/facial attributes and/or european cultural standards as an imperial measure...extra kudos if you can understand what i mean here without asking me
-like how my pics look just fine but more interested in finding out more about how who i am as a fiercely politically left, analytical, feeling, intentional, maturing human who is socially located in a variety of ways some oppressed, some privileged.
-have the ability, interest, time, space, knowledge needed to voluntarily and ferociously process multiple layers of information in ways that cause you to think deeply about your choices, who you are, where you've been, your past/present/future relationships, the kind of future you're building and, most importantly, about what you want from me
-devour books, articles, journals, blogs, websites. you're an information and ideas whore...intelligent, delving conversations about things other than sex excite you...as much as talking about sex. ;)
-are politically a lefty...i should clarify here...when i type "political" i don't mean extremely interested in official state endorsed party politricks...i don't even mean like to organize or attend demos or marches or conferences or town halls...i mean your life choices and daily social interactions are grounded in an understanding of power and dominance, hierarchy and oppression...if you don't understand what i mean or if you have no interest in attempting to walk your theoretical, academical talk we will not get along...end of story...so! having said, that you are a lefty...more than just left of center, more than liberal or progressive...radically, critically left of center...you (and, more importantly, any lovers or partners you may want to expect me to engage with deeply and lovingly) actively question how you were raised to see self, others and the world around you...massive sigh...otherwise conversation with me is gonna give you (or, in truth, more likely me) a nosebleed of epic proportions quickly followed by a brain aneurysm leading inevitably to a cascading systems shut down...or being around you for any length of time or having extended conversation with you or chatting with you is really gonna really hurt, frustrate and just generally piss me off very, very shortly...
but...i had a lightbulb moment...
so let me put what i wrote directly up above in other terms...
-you are actively engaged in unpacking your own oppressive tendencies as related to patriarchy (defining as a feminist does not exempt you from challenging your assumptions about what/who a "good", "attractive", "smart", "kewl" woman is), racism, anti-semetism, homophobia, lesbophobia, transphobia, ageism, fat phobia, ableism, lookism, shadeism, sex conservatism, classism, elitism (especially if you're an academic, corporate type, or not-for-profit "superstar"), imperialism...and any internalized stuff you might be walking with...you see...if you're doing your work and i'm doing my work, then we can both lovingly and bravely support each other to do more of the necessary work...on ourselves. :)
-are queer or extremely queer positive...meaning that your understanding of the issues effecting queer communities moves far beyond the right to get killed in the military or the right to buy rings and play house as validated by the state :)
-are not a rescuer or knight on steed looking damsel in distress...although i can sometimes be truly in distress, i've found that my ability to play the role of trapped, uncertain, needy, hesitant, fearful princess leaves a lot to be desired and doesn't seem to impress those who need to feel extremely needed, smarter, more capable or more powerful than their mates/girlfriends/lovers/partners in order to experience what they understand as desire
-(related to above point) have an allergic reaction to wimmin who are quiet, soft voiced, uncertain, sweet, hesitant, insipid, surface, pliant, not centered, unable to do hard work (for reasons having to do with performing femininity not due to disease or disability), purposefully starved, performing fun and light, numb, perpetually in needy crisis, sexually repressed, silenced, lacking powerful opinions about anything beyond how to encourage or compel other wimmin to be more patriarchally pliant and self subjugating. oh! and...if by chance this collection of anti-traits resembles any of your long term partners or lovers or really good friends who you also like to sleep with, it may very well be that you will not be able to lovingly, deeply, intelligently, consciously, maturely, passionately understand and relate to a woman like me.
In short, if your beloved female companions, lovers and partners are not Powers to be reckoned with, they may end up feeling threatened by me, feel the need to demonize me...eventually I will grow tired of trying to engage with them as fellow feminist amazons. I will grow tired of watching (for) them (to) perform acts of indirect violence of the kind wimmin in this society have been raised to do as a way to harm without retribution when they feel threatened. You may feel trapped in the middle and probably construct me as the one with issues who has rocked the boat. Not a good scene. Don't bring it to me.
-are OUT OF THE CLOSET and/or still open to exploring your own sexuality...comfortable about what you know so far but not closed off to becoming more than you had expected
-have had AT LEAST 2 or 3 long term relationships of note (since you came out of your teens) where you can honestly say you've learned how to communicate effectively, respectfully and intentionally without being pushed, begged or offered ultimatums. life and love have taught you to embrace transparency and openness which makes you an ethical creature who is honest to a fault. you prefer the sharing of pertinent information to hoarding and/or withholding. when left to you own devices you choose to use copious analytical, descriptive and emotional words to convey how you feel, who you are and what you want
-are either single but polyamorous or you are in an open, honest, respectful, intentional married/committed relationship that welcomes new loves and, more importantly, new family members. you actually KNOW what polyamory means...if you don't please don't waste my time
-have a framework for conducting your relationships that you can easily discuss with potential lovers. this is especially important because i'm seeking open, proud, clear, verbal polyamorous men whose lovers/partners/wives make it their purpose to actively engage with potentials
-although you are poly and/or available and/or interested in me you have space. you have space in your life, space energetically, space in your heart, space in your social life, space in your mind, space close to you for another...space for me...because i have made space in my life, heart, energy, social life, mind, right up close to me in order to accommodate the person or people i encounter who i want to be close to.
-you have processed or are actively and intentionally processing difficult or challenging issues in past or present partnerships, loverships, defunct relationships. you don't have to be mess free. but you must have a grasp on what has gone on in your life in regards to life and love and are willing to apprise me of any outstanding or pertinent issues that might impact a relationship between us should one develop
-you are capable of meeting me word for word, energy for energy, thought for thought, joy for joy, spirit for spirit, love for love, lust for lust...terror, discomfort or doubt are not things you seem to feel when i meet your gaze or ask for your presence. you are brave and grounded in your own power. you are kindred
-you have different intelligences than i do. i'd like to learn and experience new things or old things with new eyes
-if you're poly you don't believe that simply reading one heinlein book or the ethical slut will teach you all you need to know about the ethics and practical aspects of doing poly
at the end of the day, after all my big lists of attributes and desires have been drafted, typed and eventually read, what i'm in effect saying is that i'd like to meet intelligent, creative, emotionally intelligent, radically politicized on the left, loving, passionate, kinked out, fat friendly, communicative, spirited, spiritual, anti-authoritarian, child friendly, multifaceted, queered or queer positive individuals, dyads, triads, quads or families who are polyamorous if not downright polyfidelitous.
this is what i envision. this is what i welcome. this is what i open myself to abundantly receiving.
i say pretty much the same thing down below in the you should message me if section of this page. but i realize that sometimes people are not getting that far. so i thought i'd bracket what lies between with pretty much the same info, just stated in more detail down below.
hmmm...
so...
if you want to make contact with me it's best to start off with an email or two rather than an IM as an IM sort of parachutes you into my sovereign space without me knowing much about you, forces me to communicate with you before i even decide whether i...want to.
i don't like that approach...not one bit.
i'm looking forward to meeting, having conversation and even potentially to getting together with at least a few of you...even if getting together involves planes, trains or automobiles. :)
hugs...
darkdaughta
I am spirited, impatient, unconventional, intentional and brave
if what you're reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again...then link me.
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